Let’s address the issue without flinching. Plenty of people have had a terrible 2020. A mismanaged global pandemic and xenophobic union severance don’t make for a good combination in an uncertain world. There have been deaths, job losses and mass cancellation of things all and sundry.

I, myself, haven’t suffered too much. I had a difficult time earlier in the year when Eroticon was cancelled at the eleventh hour; the annual musical event I attend was also then shelved, and this included the only chance I’d get to play an instrument live in the whole year, so I had problems dealing with that, as well. In the summer, my girlfriend lost their job; in the autumn, I did. My last day at work was on the 17th.

And, before you ask, this is a bad thing. Practically every dream I’ve had since has been set at work, thus roundly mocking me for something I enjoyed, but ultimately had no control over.

But overall, my year wasn’t too bad (apart from losing my job, which I may need therapy about). My friends and family are all safe. The only death in my family has been of a very distant relative who I’ve only met once or twice. I was, at the very least, employed for the entire year and didn’t need to work from home for more than a couple of months. I even managed to arrange a relatively satisfying Christmas, albeit stuck in a tiny flat with one other person.

And then there are orgasms.

Last year I had 134 orgasms. I was curious, when the COVID-19 outbreak took hold, how that would affect sexual activity globally – realistically, if more people are staying at home, how much more wanking is there? I can’t speak for anyone else, not even my girlfriend who bought themselves a porn subscription recently… but I can, at least, give a fair approximation of what I’ve been up to.

113 – the number of orgasms I’ve had this year (as denoted by a ★ in my WHSmith mid-year diary)

Less than last year. That’s a surprise.

30.9% – the number of orgasms in a year, compared to the number of days in a year, expressed as a percentage

I mean, that’s almost a third. Is that good? That’s good, right…? Right?

22/6 to 03/07 – a period of time in which I didn’t have any orgasms at all (as denoted by “NJO” in my diary – you can work out what that stands for by yourself)

I wrote about this, although I’m still not quite sure exactly I did so. I just didn’t feel particularly sexy during that period. Interestingly enough, I didn’t mark the orgasm I had on the fourth of July as particularly potent, so whatever I did on that day, it must have been fairly average… insofar as an orgasm can, of course, be average.

25/05, 14/10 and 18/12 – dates on which I had notably powerful, effective or satisfying orgasms (as denoted by ! or even ☺ (once) in my diary)

Nothing to say here, really, except… DAMN IT, JANET! WHY AREN’T THEY ALL LIKE THIS?!

18/12 (again) – the one date on which I had more than one orgasm (as denoted by “x2”) in my diary

I apparently did this three times last year, as opposed to in my late teens or early twenties when I’d do that several times a day… nevertheless, this was a day when I was particularly horny and… [rustle of paper as ILB checks his notes] …was over a week since I’d last had one.

And I’d just lost my job, so, y’know.

04/06, 09/07, and 18/10difficult, disappointing or frustrating orgasms (as denoted by ? in my diary, or occasionally a comment)

Le sigh.

04/06 – I wrote “Too much effort, too little result!” about this. It’s the worst kind of orgasm, isn’t it – when you’re very horny and up for it, but then it doesn’t happen for far too long?
09/07 – I wrote the single word “watery” afterwards. Eww.
18/10 – there’s a single ? here. I actually remember this one – I wasn’t sure whether it warranted a ★ as, although I ejaculated, I barely felt a thing. But I put one down anyway. Because I’m a rascal.

This is, of course, my last post in 2020. I fully intend to continue in 2021, at least in some form. Probably exactly the same form, to be honest.

Because otherwise… well, you wouldn’t be reading, would you?