I’ve got a long memory. Not for everything, of course, and it’s misled me a few times, but I do have an ability to recall, if not entire conversations, at least the key facts. This, of course, is quite useful when one of your main activities involves soft porn, and (of course) the majority of entries to this here meme come from that memory.

This, of course, works the other way: there are things which I think I know, but can’t quite recall enough to actually find them. I remember a sex comedy, possibly in a foreign language, set in a country house with a major-general and a butler named Albert… clips from it were used on L!VE’s Exotica Erotica wraparound… but as for quite what it’s called…!

And then there’s the third option. Something I remember which seemingly can’t be found. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never quite find Blonde, Busty, & Keane. This one, however, was findable. It took me hours to do so, and there’s been no commercial release, but find it I did. For that reason, and that reason alone…

Appearance: Love Street, Series 2: “Grading on a Curve” (1995)
Characters: Lloyd & Amelia

Title card reading "Grading on a Curve" in strange bendy alignment.
The text is curvy! Um… get it?

I have vague memories of Cinema Products Video’s short-form erotic series Love Street, although I had no memories whatsoever of the incredibly slutty opening theme played over a montage of whatever they had to hand (having just watched it for the first time since I was a teenager, now I can’t get it out of my head!). Nor do I remember any of the other episodes. This one, however, both had an indelible effect on me and formed the basis for many of my masturbatory fantasies through the years.

Zounds, I’m a pervert.

A thirty-something actor trying to pass as an eighteen-year-old.
This is our hero, the absolute twonk.

The main character in this one is tennis pro Lloyd Lupton, played by Timothy Di Pri, who you may remember from playing the professor in Justine and both Theo-204 and Theo-205 in Emmanuelle. The episode itself, however, makes a huge deal out of the deuteragonist, Amelia Stratford (to the point of having her naked in a bath under the opening credits). Lloyd is taking his wife Elizabeth (Elis Imboden) to one of those student reunion things Americans do, unaware of the fact that he’s about to bump into Amelia, the maths teacher he used to sleep with.

Two young people having sex looking very smooth.
Lloyd’s arse and one of his conquests. Teenagers don’t grow hair in America.

We then get a flashback in which Lloyd (Di Pri again, playing one of those thirty-something teens you get in US high school programmes) is a student who is incredibly gifted at tennis, flirting and sex. There is (and this is the bit I remember) a montage near the start of Lloyd laying a number of women (including, but not limited to, Dee Steele, Shawnana and Russel St. Clair), mostly on a sofa in his living room. He is, however, disliked by all his teachers, especially Mrs Stratford, whom he charitably describes as “tight-ass”.

How charming. I can see why he gets all the girls.

There follows a questionable set-up with questionable acting, in which Lloyd offers Amelia some tennis lessons in exchange for a bit of private maths tuition. You can probably tell where this is going, but she actually does tutor him maths, and they don’t start having sex until they both foolishly play tennis in the rain for some reason, and then take off their clothes.

Because of course.

Two people having sex in a shower. The woman has her mouth wide open.
What she’s shouting here is “DEUCE!”, despite the fact that she clearly has the Advantage.

The scene that follows is, effectively, another montage of Lloyd and Millie getting to know each other sexually in a number of improbable places: on the tennis court in the rain; in the shower immediately afterwards; on Millie’s bed during which they have some awful teacher/student banter – you know the type, grades are mentioned and such; on a dinner table Lloyd has been setting; by a fireside… somewhere; in class because of course; on Lloyd’s sex sofa. As he puts it himself in voiceover:

It was crazy. We started making love every chance we got. And every place we could think of. Yup, even on the ol’ couch. What?

Lloyd
A maths teenager and student having sex in her classroom. Yes, really.
At the very least close the blinds!

Why, when there are more complete sex scenes later in the very same episode, did I pick this one, of all things? The dialogue isn’t great (even if Lloyd’s improvised “oh shit!” makes me laugh), the main actor isn’t particularly attractive – and his character is a dick – and there are some glaring continuity errors. Where are Lloyd’s parents? Where is Millie’s husband? Wouldn’t somebody notice they were spending 100% of their time together? Isn’t having sex in a classroom in the daytime risky?

Why sleep with Lloyd, when Millie is both ten times sexier and not a philandering dickbag?

All the important questions.

Well, I like this scene because of the piecemeal nature of it. I’m not always a fan of this, as it can break a sex scene, but there’s enough waiting before a setting transition to give you enough sex to get a sense of and the scale of their affair. Bits where Millie (who appears to be in control most of the time) rips her shirt open and the animalistic, messy nature of their shags point to the fact that there is a lot of desperacy in their liaisons.

An actress playing a teacher learning tennis, in a very short white dress.
A rare shot of Kendra Tucker wearing clothes. Although she’s not wearing too much in this scene, either.

Kendra Tucker is a delight, too. As Millie, she cheerily laughs, smiles and moans her way through this, clearly enjoying herself both as a bored teacher getting some loving and an actress getting a paycheque. She’s almost believable, too, as a character: implausible though this whole thing is, her acting is sound and she’s very much trying. She’s pretty too, of course.

The entire montage is overlaid with a strange, but unobtrusive, music track consisting mostly of a drum loop with occasional synths and bass guitar. I can’t quite get over the fact that the “James Bond chord” is used fairly early on, but I suppose I can overlook that. They use grand piano music in a later scene, so maybe they spent all their budget on that.

End credits for a TV episode with a glaring spelling error.
FIRE YOUR END CREDITS WRITER!

I’m aware that this all sounds very silly. It also seems that there is something about to go wrong – and there is, of course there is. It continues to be silly for the rest of the episode, and the whole thing ending with a wet tennis ball falling on the ground really sums up the lengths to which they will go to stretch a theme. Whereas teacher/student liaison tends to be a staple of porn, and it’s an easy enough thing to set up too, this handles it in a bizarre way.

It’s sexy in its own way, and I suppose I did go to immense lengths to find and review it, but I wouldn’t call it brilliant. Just passable, fun, completely unbelievable and good for an orgasm.

That’s all I want, really.