Soft Porn Sunday: Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro

As a meme writer, I will admit to being lazy. Long posts are one thing, but in choosing scenes for this here porn meme I have developed a tendency towards gravitating towards scenes I know, or at least scenes I think I do from my youth but have since rediscovered. I am aware that there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of sex scenes I haven’t (yet) seen… but I am more comfortable, if not secure, talking about something I know.

I mean, that was the initial aim of the meme when I started it, right? Do only scenes I like to prove the worth of softcore because I like it so much? (I will admit that only lasted a couple of weeks, of course; I had to give a negative review at some point…!)

But then, as I said, there are scenes I have yet to see. One of these, sent to me by reader and correspondent S.A., was nothing if not completely unfamiliar.

Appearance: Hot Line, Series 2: “Where Were We?” (1996)
Characters: Stefanie & Allen

There’s probably a reason for this. I have, in fact, mentioned Hot Line once before, but only once. It’s a series that kind of slipped under my radar, having been broadcast on UK TV (I suspect Living, or maybe ITV?) sporadically, but not really having the staying power of Compromising Situations or Passion Cove, which were shown in full on L!VE and Living respectively.

It is, effectively, nothing I haven’t seen before – another American drama series with sex scenes – but, as I genuinely haven’t seen a lot of it, I have very little idea. What I do know is the set-up: callers to a titular “Hot Line” tell the host Rebecca (initially erotic thriller queen Shannon Tweed; later former Bond girl Tanya Roberts) about their sexual escapades. Rebecca broadcasts them.

This “one person lynchpin” thing appear to happen a lot. The main character in Red Shoe Diaries gets letters. The lady in Passion Cove owns a resort. The slightly older woman in Bedtime Stories has a… brothel, maybe? Something to do with sex, anyway. Hot Line is a phone-in show. Go figure.

Anyway, right, the scene I was meant to be talking about…

This is a second-series episode written by a curious team of someone who worked on Supernatural and somebody who worked on Biker Mice from Mars. The story itself is fairly threadbare but sustainable enough for a thirty-minute episode. Married couple Stefanie (Bari Buckner, who hasn’t done much but went on to play the imaginatively-named “Screaming Woman” in the second Jurassic Park movie) and Allen (Mark Porro, who has had a more varied career including Love Street, Babylon 5 and Days Of Our Lives, which made my wife giggle!) are trying for a baby, but end up continuously getting…

…interrupted? I suppose that’s the most accurate word? They’re not going to have a baby like this, anyway.

By which I mean Stefanie says “hmm” a couple of times. Not the sexy moan hmm, but more like she is having a try at a tricky Sudoku and isn’t quite sure about it. We also get some bog-standard softcore between-the-breasts kissing and a highly staged tumble onto some bedsheets that may or may not have been there until this point. I’m not entirely sure it matters.

For all the posturing there has been so far, you can kind of stretch to believing these two are genuinely into each other. Fair enough, it’s just kisses and clothes for the first 45 seconds, but it’s done with enough enthusiasm to point towards them being keen to DO IT, as well as familiarity to indicate the fact that they are a couple. It’s also relatively immediate, indicating some degree of spontaneity.

Stefanie flashes a cute little smile a fair few times while Allen does… something to her, I don’t know, it’s kind of ambiguous… and then at about 01:03 we get some actual sex, first with Allen on top and that very familiar “bum between legs – zOMG SeXuaL iNTeRCouRSe!” shot. A few mixes later and it’s Stefanie in the driving seat, riding Allen with a new more overlaid “hmm”s and a very well-decorated flat in the background.

It kind of continues in that vein for a while, except for Stefanie saying “oh!” in a voice reminiscent of a dowager duchess in a British historical drama series, which made me laugh. What is, I’m supposing, the orgasm scene comes immediately after this, but considering just how it’s more Sounds™, it’s hardly the most explosive.

And then there’s a fade to black because of course there is.

So what do I think of this new-to-me scene? Well, it’s nothing special, and it also have a brief runtime of 02:31. I don’t think it will be making The General Rotation. However, having said that, it’s not bad. I can’t get past Allen’s hair, but Bari Buckner has a nice, natural-looking body and the motions between them – during the buildup and the sex – are both natural and energetic enough to cement the fact that they are a couple who still have the spark.

Why they want to bring a baby into this domestic order, I’ve no idea.

The music even matches the thing. It doesn’t quite sync, but it’s inoffensive instrumental rock with what I’m assuming is meant to be a saxophone at points. It works with the energy of the scene, and it’s not too drippy or soft like other short-form series often have in their scenes. Whether this is a Hot Line thing or not I have no idea. It’s good, anyway.

There are a few unanswered questions, of course. Why are they having sex on the floor since there’s a sofa right there? Where did they find lightbulbs that give very bright white illumination? How is there a matchstick model of the London Eye on the table behind them when it hadn’t even been built yet? What’s in the lone coffee cup? Is Stefanie actually part of the landed gentry? Who did that to Mark Porro’s hair and how much would it cost to hire the hitman?

Why are neither of them wearing a wedding ring when they are married? Are they very up-to-date and advanced people?

All the important questions. But then I’m sure radio host Rebecca covered them. I haven’t seen the episode, but that’s totally my headcanon.