Love, sex and interminable pop-culture references

Category: Soft Porn (Page 1 of 5)

ILB’s posts about softcore, his favourite porn subgenre

Soft Porn Sunday: Monique DeMoan & Eddie Jay

You want a swingers’ party
We’ll all chuck in our car keys
Maybe try bukkake
Now it’s always you, and me, and Dave…

You’ve never heard of Monique DeMoan, have you? Maybe you know her by her birth name, Cheyenne August Camarillo? No? How about Cheyenne, the name she’s credited by in Love Exchange?

I’m slightly more familiar with Eddie Jay, although mostly from things like cultural event of the century Hotel Erotica and that absolute cinematic masterpiece Personals 2: CasualSex.com. I couldn’t pick him out of a line-up, though. He’s skilfully also used a pseudonym here: the unidentifiable “Eddy Jay”. Wonderful.

Monique DeMoan and Eddie Jay in "Love Exchange" (2001)
Happy Pride Month, say the drapes on the wall!

What’s my point in life here? Well, said Claire, if you’ve been following this meme since I started it (or if you’re into soft porn yourself), you may well recognise some of the other names. Holly Sampson is a former Emmanuelle. Shannan Leigh is in a fair few things, including Virgins of Sherwood Forest, with David Usher, who’s also in The Exotic Time Machine 2, with Holly Sampson, who’s in Platinum Blonde, with Stella Porter and Tre Temptor, and Shannan Leigh.

Holly Sampson also once had sex with Tiger Woods. Just throwing that out there.

Appearance: Love Exchange, aka Romance Roulette (2001)
Characters: Lizelle & Ben

Judging by the above and how incestuous this all sounds, it makes complete sense that Love Exchange is all about swapping partners. Jackie (Sampson) and Ben (Jay) are a married couple who move into a new neighbourhood, where they are almost immediately propositioned by the very creepy Lorenzo (Ben Brown, aka Anthony Skordi, who’s now voicing Star Wars video games), who runs a regular “sexual card game” which inevitably results in everyone shagging everyone else.

Except for Helen (Leigh), who doesn’t get to do much, or Bill (Richard Neale), who also doesn’t do anything, or Josh (Usher), who gets about two seconds of sex at one point. Holly Sampson gets her kit off, but even then, most of her sex scenes are with Gloria (Taylor Moore, from pieces of high art like I Love Lesbians 11). In fact, Gloria may as well not wear any clothes, judging by the amount of time she spends enjoying half the cast.

Into this domestic order we throw a new variant: on the first night, Ben draws Lizelle, Lorenzo’s wife, who is more than happy to go into a darkened room with him and yes I can also see where this is going let’s just get on with it shall we

Grab your partner, now let’s swing

Lizelle (who’s very game, it seems) leads Ben to a room which she describes as

It’s so sensuous… so surreal, don’tcha think?

but evidently not sensuous enough, as she proceeds to light nine soft porn candles and a joss stick to add to the ambience. Then, of course, she starts disrobing. Ben, naturally, doesn’t say a word; he just sits there with an inane grin, then starts kissing her while the camera pans around to reveal another twelve candles (do they have shares?), then after a couple of mix shots, we end up with one of those hairy softcore blowjobs.

Candles in "Love Exchange" (2001)
This is a genuine shot. How’s that sponsorship deal working out?

Moving fast, then. Surrender doesn’t usually do this; their sex scenes usually involve quite a lot of disrobing before getting down to the action. Mind you, this scene is exactly halfway through the film (it’s a genuine mid-point); we’ve seen a lot of sex already, so maybe they’re expecting us to be desensitised by this juncture. I’m not complaining.

The music ratchets up a notch at this point. I think I ought to mention this, as it’s very curious – with various zither-like string arrangements it has an Eastern flavour, but it’s underscored by conga drums and features an electric guitar. It’s hardly the new In The Steppes of Central Asia by Borodin, but it suits the slightly new-agey setting and is sexy enough.

Monique DeMoan and Eddie Jay in "Love Exchange" (2001)
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

Talking of sexy enough, look at Lizelle. She’s absolutely stunning. There’s a kind of sensuality to her in the way she moves her body and uses her facial expressions which plays off Ben’s generic “hooray, I’m getting laid!” look. She manages to carry herself through the inevitable brief-sucking-nipples bit, end even a slightly overlong rubbing-her-body sequence is sexy.

Sing, sing, sing (with a swing)

Monique DeMoan and Eddie Jay in "Love Exchange" (2001)
LOOK AT HER!!!

The actual sex starts with Lizelle on top, with her riding Ben, her hands on his knees for support (a nice touch) and the cameraman briefly passing out because the shot suddenly angles strangely before righting itself. It’s not hard sex, but there’s a certain type of energy to it, and certainly a rhythm. It isn’t slow, and then neither is the following scene, a mix to doggy style, again with a fair clip of speed, but not too much.

Lizelle even looks over her shoulder to hold Ben’s gaze while he’s at work with the backshots, also a nice touch, and at what is (presumably) the point of orgasm she even bites her lip, not something I’d imagine most softcore actresses would think of (although maybe this was the director’s choice? I don’t know.). It’s all very pacey, very sensual, and nice to look at.

Monique DeMoan and Eddie Jay in "Love Exchange" (2001)
Lin-Manuel Miranda found wanting.

For a movie with so many scenes, why did I pick this one? Because it’s the one I keep coming back to. Love Exchange is a relatively new discovery for me and it’s practically packed with sex – there was plenty for me in the pic’n’mix. This one stands out because:

  • the setting is pretty
  • the music is pretty
  • the cinematography is pretty
  • Monique DeMoan is incredibly pretty
  • Eddie Jay is… all right, actually

Swing and a miss

Monique DeMoan and Eddie Jay in "Love Exchange" (2001)
I think Ben’s noticed us watching…

That isn’t to say that all the other scenes in Love Exchange are lacklustre. Most of them are good for a wank, or at least worth a watch. In fact, if you’re going to seek this out I would recommend you watch the entire thing from beginning to end, as it all makes a lot more sense that way. It gives the Surrender cast a chance to act, a rare occurrence. There’s clearly been a lot of thought put into the plot. Even some of the characters are fairly rounded, which adds a bit of weight to the “who are these people and why are they having sex?” background, which I need.

And, of course, now I’m going to go and seek out more things with Monique DeMoan in.

You know, for research.

Erika? Lucie? I’m So Confused!

JS: How did the flat viewing go?
ILB: Oh, yeah, good. Lucie (our agent, who looks like Chelsea Clinton) is going to send me a form to fill in. I think we can get it. I hope we can get it.
JS: All right. Tell me more when I get home.

There wasn’t anything more to tell when they got home. Lucie had clearly clocked off for the day and, since we’d been ghosted by one agency already after a viewing, this didn’t bode too well. (I actually got the form from her this morning, so maybe there’s a chance here.)

“Why did you think to say she looked like Chelsea Clinton?”
“That’s more of a guess. I mean, she does look a bit like Chelsea; she’s tall, blonde and pretty. But she’s got the wrong shaped head. It’s more like an oval. She reminds me more of…”

There was a pause.

“…of… well…”
“It’s a porn star, isn’t it?”

It took my brain a while to parse that. I’d just done the first active thing in the whole week since becoming laid up with a massive cold on Monday. I wasn’t really fully awake yet.

“Yes?” I decided upon.

In all fairness, when I recognise people it’s usually because I’m recalling someone from porn. Some of them, like Krista Allen and Lisa Boyle, are both incredibly hot and totally unique in looks, and although I’ve met a fair few people who remind me of Amber Newman, this one escaped me. Who, exactly, did this Lucie remind me of?

Softcore actress Erika Jordan looking creepy.
ARGH! SHE’S COMING TO GET ME!

Erika Jordan leapt out of my head the instant I sat down this afternoon, followed almost immediately by a crunchy reel in my head of basically everything I’ve ever seen her in, although I’d temporarily forgotten, it seems, that this is also her. That’s certainly somebody I’ve had a fair number of orgasms too.

Poor Lucie. She has no idea what she’s managed to awaken within me, although realistically, I’m not entirely sure she noticed me much, on account of the fact that my parents wouldn’t leave her alone. And I’m sure that she isn’t that similar to Erika. I mean, I thought of Chelsea Clinton at first.

Until my mother said, “what is she doing?”

And now I’m never going to not be able to see it. Cheers, mum.

Soft Porn Sunday: Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro

As a meme writer, I will admit to being lazy. Long posts are one thing, but in choosing scenes for this here porn meme I have developed a tendency towards gravitating towards scenes I know, or at least scenes I think I do from my youth but have since rediscovered. I am aware that there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of sex scenes I haven’t (yet) seen… but I am more comfortable, if not secure, talking about something I know.

I mean, that was the initial aim of the meme when I started it, right? Do only scenes I like to prove the worth of softcore because I like it so much? (I will admit that only lasted a couple of weeks, of course; I had to give a negative review at some point…!)

But then, as I said, there are scenes I have yet to see. One of these, sent to me by reader and correspondent S.A., was nothing if not completely unfamiliar.

Appearance: Hot Line, Series 2: “Where Were We?” (1996)
Characters: Stefanie & Allen

Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro in Hot Line (1996)
That’s not really how you kiss, is it?

There’s probably a reason for this. I have, in fact, mentioned Hot Line once before, but only once. It’s a series that kind of slipped under my radar, having been broadcast on UK TV (I suspect Living, or maybe ITV?) sporadically, but not really having the staying power of Compromising Situations or Passion Cove, which were shown in full on L!VE and Living respectively.

It is, effectively, nothing I haven’t seen before – another American drama series with sex scenes – but, as I genuinely haven’t seen a lot of it, I have very little idea. What I do know is the set-up: callers to a titular “Hot Line” tell the host Rebecca (initially erotic thriller queen Shannon Tweed; later former Bond girl Tanya Roberts) about their sexual escapades. Rebecca broadcasts them.

This “one person lynchpin” thing appear to happen a lot. The main character in Red Shoe Diaries gets letters. The lady in Passion Cove owns a resort. The slightly older woman in Bedtime Stories has a… brothel, maybe? Something to do with sex, anyway. Hot Line is a phone-in show. Go figure.

Anyway, right, the scene I was meant to be talking about…

Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro in Hot Line (1996)
You can’t see their faces here because that’s Artistic Directing. It’s deliberate, see.

This is a second-series episode written by a curious team of someone who worked on Supernatural and somebody who worked on Biker Mice from Mars. The story itself is fairly threadbare but sustainable enough for a thirty-minute episode. Married couple Stefanie (Bari Buckner, who hasn’t done much but went on to play the imaginatively-named “Screaming Woman” in the second Jurassic Park movie) and Allen (Mark Porro, who has had a more varied career including Love Street, Babylon 5 and Days Of Our Lives, which made my wife giggle!) are trying for a baby, but end up continuously getting…

…interrupted? I suppose that’s the most accurate word? They’re not going to have a baby like this, anyway.

Take this scene, which starts with Stefanie and Allen i’m sorry that’s a really stupid haircut i’m never going to be able to unsee that and seriously what was the hair and makeup department thinking mark porro deserves better kissing, disrobing amid giggles and letting out curious noises.

Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro in Hot Line (1996)
IKEA: the wonderful everyday.

By which I mean Stefanie says “hmm” a couple of times. Not the sexy moan hmm, but more like she is having a try at a tricky Sudoku and isn’t quite sure about it. We also get some bog-standard softcore between-the-breasts kissing and a highly staged tumble onto some bedsheets that may or may not have been there until this point. I’m not entirely sure it matters.

For all the posturing there has been so far, you can kind of stretch to believing these two are genuinely into each other. Fair enough, it’s just kisses and clothes for the first 45 seconds, but it’s done with enough enthusiasm to point towards them being keen to DO IT, as well as familiarity to indicate the fact that they are a couple. It’s also relatively immediate, indicating some degree of spontaneity.

Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro in Hot Line (1996)
Of course, that cup behind them contains Water of Life.

Stefanie flashes a cute little smile a fair few times while Allen does… something to her, I don’t know, it’s kind of ambiguous… and then at about 01:03 we get some actual sex, first with Allen on top and that very familiar “bum between legs – zOMG SeXuaL iNTeRCouRSe!” shot. A few mixes later and it’s Stefanie in the driving seat, riding Allen with a new more overlaid “hmm”s and a very well-decorated flat in the background.

It kind of continues in that vein for a while, except for Stefanie saying “oh!” in a voice reminiscent of a dowager duchess in a British historical drama series, which made me laugh. What is, I’m supposing, the orgasm scene comes immediately after this, but considering just how it’s more Sounds™, it’s hardly the most explosive.

And then there’s a fade to black because of course there is.

Bari Buckner & Mark S. Porro in Hot Line (1996)
I think I went on that and had a lovely panoramic view…

So what do I think of this new-to-me scene? Well, it’s nothing special, and it also have a brief runtime of 02:31. I don’t think it will be making The General Rotation. However, having said that, it’s not bad. I can’t get past Allen’s hair, but Bari Buckner has a nice, natural-looking body and the motions between them – during the buildup and the sex – are both natural and energetic enough to cement the fact that they are a couple who still have the spark.

Why they want to bring a baby into this domestic order, I’ve no idea.

The music even matches the thing. It doesn’t quite sync, but it’s inoffensive instrumental rock with what I’m assuming is meant to be a saxophone at points. It works with the energy of the scene, and it’s not too drippy or soft like other short-form series often have in their scenes. Whether this is a Hot Line thing or not I have no idea. It’s good, anyway.

There are a few unanswered questions, of course. Why are they having sex on the floor since there’s a sofa right there? Where did they find lightbulbs that give very bright white illumination? How is there a matchstick model of the London Eye on the table behind them when it hadn’t even been built yet? What’s in the lone coffee cup? Is Stefanie actually part of the landed gentry? Who did that to Mark Porro’s hair and how much would it cost to hire the hitman?

Why are neither of them wearing a wedding ring when they are married? Are they very up-to-date and advanced people?

All the important questions. But then I’m sure radio host Rebecca covered them. I haven’t seen the episode, but that’s totally my headcanon.

Soft Porn Sunday: Susan Hale & John St. James

Sometimes something just… appears to me. Usually in a moment of quiet. I’ll be happily doing nothing, but then I’m blindsided by a thought that gets pulled out of my mental Rolodex seemingly at random. Sometimes it’s pleasant; often it’s not. And occasionally it has special deep significance.

Which makes it curious, then, that I don’t think more about Platinum Blonde. I’ve certainly mentioned it a couple of times before. Look at the cast list and you’ll get a veritable Who’s Who of early-noughties softcore: Holly Sampson, Shannan Leigh, Micah Bradshaw, Susan Hale, Timothy Stempien, Mia Zottoli, Shauna O’Brien, Stella Porter, Tre Temptor… and it’s even directed by Cybil Richards, who did most of them. You’d think I’d love it.

And then there’s Susan Hale, whose real name is Darby Daniels (except I’ve never actually heard her being called that). I certainly like her. I even recognise John St. James from Emmanuelle 2000. All that. and I like softcore and I like sex and I like plot, and it’s a wonder that I haven’t even thought of doing this one for this here meme.

And yet I haven’t. Until now, I suppose. Why is this? Well…

Appearance: Platinum Blonde (2001)
Characters: Janice & Hank

In case you’re not familiar with the plot of Platinum Blonde, don’t worry: it’s not too difficult to grasp. Angela (Sampson) is an angel – the titular platinum blonde -whose task is to watch people having difficulties with their love lives, get them to have sex and then watch that… or, in other words, she’s a professional voyeur. Her charges are all unlucky in love, and/or sexually starved, and she intervenes, does something very simple and watches the resulting shag, then leaves.

Susan Hale and John St. James in "Platinum Blonde" (2001)
Not pictured: an angel of the Lord, appearing to Hank at this moment.

That’s it; that’s the entire plot. The piecemeal nature of the flick – since it contains multiple different vignettes, each one a different story – makes it perfect bite-sized viewing. You could come in at any point and it would still make sense. It could be a loop. In fact, given the nature of the setup, it could have been a series.

Anyway, Hank is having an affair.

I’ve never really seen the appeal of St. James. I mean, yes, he has a lot of sex in Emmanuelle 2000 including some with Emmanuelle herself, but why? His characters never really seem to have any redeeming qualities whatsoever and he’s not even conventionally attractive. Here he is playing an especially unfavourable character – a serial cheater on his other half, who somehow manages to have sex with the genuinely attractive Janice (Hale) and she… enjoys it? What is this, Bizarro World?

Andi Peters and Edd the Duck

I suppose what’s really different about this is that it takes place in a broom cupboard (or possibly a walk-in wardrobe). I do suppose that’s easy to film, given that you can put a couple of clothes racks in front of a sheet of white MDF and, bang, it’s a set. We also sort of start in medias res, as well, by which I mean they haven’t taken any clothes off yet, but they’re certainly about to.

Susan Hale and John St. James in "Platinum Blonde" (2001)
Fun fact: Susan Hale always wears the same nipple hoops. They show up in every film she’s in.

Except they kind of don’t. They dance around the issue a few times before actually doing anything. Janice is more interested in kissing Hank’s stomach and he’s more interested in making weird faces. About a minute in and we finally do get to see a bit of skin.

Susan Hale and John St. James in "Platinum Blonde" (2001)
Softcore cunnilingus is never realistic. But it’s usually more than this.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if it wasn’t at odds with the storyline. They are having an affair. They are meeting in a broom cupboard. You would think this would be quick and dirty sex, like, drop trousers, hitch up skirt and go at it. That would be more realistic, and more urgent making it maybe a little hotter. Here, they’re just pissing about before actually having any sex. What, do they want to get caught or something?

In any case, Janice is naked first before Hank gives her some incredibly unbelievable oral sex, before she magically grows her top back, pulls his baggy Y-fronts down and gives him some more unbelievable oral sex during which he makes a face which makes him look like Ernie from Sesame Street. They then go back to kissing and…oh, is this sex? I’m not sure.

is it can be seks time nau plz?

So, at this point – two minutes into the scene and less than one before it finishes – they finally get around to having sex…

Susan Hale and John St. James in "Platinum Blonde" (2001)
Of course the real star is the baseball cap (middle top). What an absolute G’.

…or, at least, that what I think they’re meant to be doing. The entire thing is standing up (incidentally, Susan Hale’s character in Virgins of Sherwood Forest also has sex standing up, so maybe it’s a thing). Some of it is standing scissors, some standing doggie (or maybe it’s rear entry. No, that’d be too hardcore-y). It is fairly standard (or it would be were they not standing in Harry Potter’s childhood home), but they’re actually doing the seks and Susan Hale is pretty and she has great hair and it is overall fairly entertaining.

I could get used to this.

Except it then sort of finishes. It peters out a bit – they break apart, have another kiss, and then there’s a fade to black (a real one, not a scene transition). It just seems like it’s… well, it’s time to finish, I suppose. There’s no particularly discernible point of orgasm or interruption by anything or anyone. It just ends.

Because of course it does.

This is the voice of the Mysterons

Susan Hale and John St. James in "Platinum Blonde" (2001)
I can’t quite get past the fact that Hank is looking at something he found on the shelf… a rare collectable, perhaps?

I could look at this scene for what it is and enjoy it. It doesn’t quite deliver on every level, but it’s quick and there’s sex and it has Susan Hale in it and at least it’s original in its own way. You know, I could get behind that. Put this in the general rotation and I’m sure I could come to it. I’ve probably done so at least once.

However, what I’m not okay with – and this is a big thing – is whatever the fuck is going on in the background. The scene is overlaid by a loud, intrusive synthesized piece of electro-rock, which would also be okay were it not for the fact they appear to have decided to add vocals.

And so, during the sexiest bits of the scene, we get thrown back to reality unexpectedly by a very deep voice making noises through a vocoder. There don’t even appear to be any actual words. It’s just random utterances with the distortion jacked up to “fuckin’ intense”.

She’s probably a bottle blonde, actually

Which is maybe the reason that I’m not always raving about Platinum Blonde. It has a tendency to promise more than it delivers, although maybe that’s not fair. There are some great sex scenes in it. There are offerings with Mia Zottoli and Shannan Leigh which genuinely work. This one doesn’t, because of the confused setting, the puppetry on St. James’ face and the genuinely threatening alien transmission.

And the worst thing is that there is absolutely no chemistry between those two characters. They’re meant to be lovers, but they appear to be in no way interested in each other. Hank could just as well be having sex with a hatstand.

Do yourself a favour, if you will, and don’t go looking for this scene. See the whole thing instead. This one isn’t really representative of the movie in general – as you may recall, with the number of names in this ensemble cast. It offers more and delivers, just not here.

That, and Susan Hale deserves better. If only to see those nipple hoops again.

Soft Porn Sunday: Kendra Tucker & Timothy Di Pri

I’ve got a long memory. Not for everything, of course, and it’s misled me a few times, but I do have an ability to recall, if not entire conversations, at least the key facts. This, of course, is quite useful when one of your main activities involves soft porn, and (of course) the majority of entries to this here meme come from that memory.

This, of course, works the other way: there are things which I think I know, but can’t quite recall enough to actually find them. I remember a sex comedy, possibly in a foreign language, set in a country house with a major-general and a butler named Albert… clips from it were used on L!VE’s Exotica Erotica wraparound… but as for quite what it’s called…!

And then there’s the third option. Something I remember which seemingly can’t be found. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never quite find Blonde, Busty, & Keane. This one, however, was findable. It took me hours to do so, and there’s been no commercial release, but find it I did. For that reason, and that reason alone…

Appearance: Love Street, Series 2: “Grading on a Curve” (1995)
Characters: Lloyd & Amelia

Title card reading "Grading on a Curve" in strange bendy alignment.
The text is curvy! Um… get it?

I have vague memories of Cinema Products Video’s short-form erotic series Love Street, although I had no memories whatsoever of the incredibly slutty opening theme played over a montage of whatever they had to hand (having just watched it for the first time since I was a teenager, now I can’t get it out of my head!). Nor do I remember any of the other episodes. This one, however, both had an indelible effect on me and formed the basis for many of my masturbatory fantasies through the years.

Zounds, I’m a pervert.

A thirty-something actor trying to pass as an eighteen-year-old.
This is our hero, the absolute twonk.

The main character in this one is tennis pro Lloyd Lupton, played by Timothy Di Pri, who you may remember from playing the professor in Justine and both Theo-204 and Theo-205 in Emmanuelle. The episode itself, however, makes a huge deal out of the deuteragonist, Amelia Stratford (to the point of having her naked in a bath under the opening credits). Lloyd is taking his wife Elizabeth (Elis Imboden) to one of those student reunion things Americans do, unaware of the fact that he’s about to bump into Amelia, the maths teacher he used to sleep with.

Two young people having sex looking very smooth.
Lloyd’s arse and one of his conquests. Teenagers don’t grow hair in America.

We then get a flashback in which Lloyd (Di Pri again, playing one of those thirty-something teens you get in US high school programmes) is a student who is incredibly gifted at tennis, flirting and sex. There is (and this is the bit I remember) a montage near the start of Lloyd laying a number of women (including, but not limited to, Dee Steele, Shawnana and Russel St. Clair), mostly on a sofa in his living room. He is, however, disliked by all his teachers, especially Mrs Stratford, whom he charitably describes as “tight-ass”.

How charming. I can see why he gets all the girls.

There follows a questionable set-up with questionable acting, in which Lloyd offers Amelia some tennis lessons in exchange for a bit of private maths tuition. You can probably tell where this is going, but she actually does tutor him maths, and they don’t start having sex until they both foolishly play tennis in the rain for some reason, and then take off their clothes.

Because of course.

Two people having sex in a shower. The woman has her mouth wide open.
What she’s shouting here is “DEUCE!”, despite the fact that she clearly has the Advantage.

The scene that follows is, effectively, another montage of Lloyd and Millie getting to know each other sexually in a number of improbable places: on the tennis court in the rain; in the shower immediately afterwards; on Millie’s bed during which they have some awful teacher/student banter – you know the type, grades are mentioned and such; on a dinner table Lloyd has been setting; by a fireside… somewhere; in class because of course; on Lloyd’s sex sofa. As he puts it himself in voiceover:

It was crazy. We started making love every chance we got. And every place we could think of. Yup, even on the ol’ couch. What?

Lloyd
A maths teenager and student having sex in her classroom. Yes, really.
At the very least close the blinds!

Why, when there are more complete sex scenes later in the very same episode, did I pick this one, of all things? The dialogue isn’t great (even if Lloyd’s improvised “oh shit!” makes me laugh), the main actor isn’t particularly attractive – and his character is a dick – and there are some glaring continuity errors. Where are Lloyd’s parents? Where is Millie’s husband? Wouldn’t somebody notice they were spending 100% of their time together? Isn’t having sex in a classroom in the daytime risky?

Why sleep with Lloyd, when Millie is both ten times sexier and not a philandering dickbag?

All the important questions.

Well, I like this scene because of the piecemeal nature of it. I’m not always a fan of this, as it can break a sex scene, but there’s enough waiting before a setting transition to give you enough sex to get a sense of and the scale of their affair. Bits where Millie (who appears to be in control most of the time) rips her shirt open and the animalistic, messy nature of their shags point to the fact that there is a lot of desperacy in their liaisons.

An actress playing a teacher learning tennis, in a very short white dress.
A rare shot of Kendra Tucker wearing clothes. Although she’s not wearing too much in this scene, either.

Kendra Tucker is a delight, too. As Millie, she cheerily laughs, smiles and moans her way through this, clearly enjoying herself both as a bored teacher getting some loving and an actress getting a paycheque. She’s almost believable, too, as a character: implausible though this whole thing is, her acting is sound and she’s very much trying. She’s pretty too, of course.

The entire montage is overlaid with a strange, but unobtrusive, music track consisting mostly of a drum loop with occasional synths and bass guitar. I can’t quite get over the fact that the “James Bond chord” is used fairly early on, but I suppose I can overlook that. They use grand piano music in a later scene, so maybe they spent all their budget on that.

End credits for a TV episode with a glaring spelling error.
FIRE YOUR END CREDITS WRITER!

I’m aware that this all sounds very silly. It also seems that there is something about to go wrong – and there is, of course there is. It continues to be silly for the rest of the episode, and the whole thing ending with a wet tennis ball falling on the ground really sums up the lengths to which they will go to stretch a theme. Whereas teacher/student liaison tends to be a staple of porn, and it’s an easy enough thing to set up too, this handles it in a bizarre way.

It’s sexy in its own way, and I suppose I did go to immense lengths to find and review it, but I wouldn’t call it brilliant. Just passable, fun, completely unbelievable and good for an orgasm.

That’s all I want, really.

Multitasking

*packs final change of clothes; walls get whitewashed*

47

On the very first day I got my DVD of Virgins of Sherwood Forest, I was halfway through watching it when I remembered I needed to be packing to go off to camp the following day. Living as I was in a room on my own with nobody else in the house at that moment, I left it on – because of course I did – and scrambled around for things to pack, grabbing a miasma of useful items and random clothes and throwing them pell-mell into my little wheelie suitcase.

That was then…

I snapped the case shut just as a couple of characters were getting it on in the castle bedroom. I’d opened it when they were using the battlements. I later had an orgasm to the scene set on the bridge just outside the castle.

They certainly used that set to a great extent.

The last thing I added was The Box™, still full of unused condoms. I’d been packing this to take with me every time, and every time it kept winging its way back unopened. I packed it anyway, and the following day started making my way to another camp in which – just like every event ever – I failed to get laid.

This is now…

Serena (Shannan Leigh) delivering a line of dialogue on a castle balcony. From "Virgins of Sherwood Forest" (2000).
Serena realised only too late that she’d forgotten to put a bra on before the job interview.

I made a lot of mess over Christmas, and in order to impress my cleaner (and find the notebook I think I may have lost), I spent a few hours last night un-messing the house – by which I mean decanting the bins into bin bags. That genuinely is the most useful thing I could have been doing, and so I did it.

But I put Virgins of Sherwood Forest on first.

I’m still not sure why. The concept of doing another mundane task, accompanied by the same glossy smut (albeit almost two decades later), occurred to me while at work, and wouldn’t. let. me. go! Maybe I was feeling cheeky; maybe nostalgic. Perhaps I was trying to prove to myself that the more I change, the more I stay the same. I may have even just wanted something to come to once I’d finished my tidying…

…but, whatever the reason, I put it on, and enjoyed the rolling sex as best I could while sorting refuse from recyclables.

This is even later…

One day after this masterstroke and it seems very silly to begin with. Putting on soft porn and not even being able to touch yourself to it? Just as I relate my favourite piece of smut to packing a suitcase, now I’ll further relate it to emptying bins (and, by extension, this blog post about that).

But this way I got to see the whole package. Not just the eight sex scenes, but the plot, the questionable acting, and the hilarious dialogue. I even watched the end credits, with a hefty number of pseudonyms to protect the identities of those who made this schlock. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed Virgins of Sherwood Forest. Really enjoyed it, warts and all.

So, what I’m saying is, maybe I should do something like this more often.

Jake’s Booty Call, anyone?

Christmas is massiv

I’m 16 and it’s 11:15pm on Christmas Eve. I’m sitting in Gran’s lounge flicking through cable channels on her TV.

Up until five minutes ago I had quite keen to go to mass at midnight. I’d never really considered the concept before. My church doesn’t really do what would traditionally be considered mass, and although I used to go on Christmas morning, I’d kind of fallen out of the practice. I had been invited by my grandparents and was quite excited to go…

…until I flicked past Bravo and noticed Confessions of a Window Cleaner was on.

“Ooh! It’s a Timmy Lea film!” I said out loud to nobody in particular, deciding then and there that I didn’t really need to go to mass; I could just wait out Christmas watching questionable slapstick comedy mixed with gratuitous cheeky smut. I’d managed to upset my mum, who shouldn’t have minded as she is an atheist, by telling her that I’d decided not to go.

I can sit here watching Confessions, and things will be fine.

My finger hits the “last” button on the remote the instant my mum walks in and the TV channel jumps to The Box. Changes by 2Pac is on (again).
“Your grandparents have gone to mass,” she says in a voice saturated with disapproval. (My memory is telling me that a sex scene has just started on the channel and I’m missing it.) “Without you.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m… I’m too tired to go,” I lie smoothly.
“I meant to tell you, though, that if you don’t go to mass you won’t be able to sit here watching music videos. You’ll have to go to bed.”

Five minutes of kicking about in my room pass before I look at the clock and notice the time. It’s 11:25. I half walk, half run into the lounge.

“Changed my mind!” I shout. “I want to go to mass!”
My parents look at each other.
“But it’s in five minutes,” my mother says.
“But I’ve decided I really really really want to go! And it’s not too far away, and if you drive me…”

I sit in a chair next to my nan thirty seconds before our minister starts up. There are some huffy comments about how late I left it, but nevertheless, they’re pleased I’m here. I am too. This happens once a year, it seems fun, and I can always watch ’70s sex comedies on Channel 5. There’s no reason not to come to this.

And that’s how I started going to mass on Christmas Eve. Things have happened since then, of course – people have started to come and stopped again. As teenagers the cousins would all get drunk and then stumble to church and have a whale of a time. Once my auntie would drop the blood of Christ on the floor (and mostly my uncle’s trousers). Every year we would struggle our way through the descant on O Come All Ye Faithful (and we still do).

But it really doesn’t feel like Christmas without it.

Soft Porn Sunday: Kathleen Kinmont & Anthony John Denison

It takes all sorts to make a meme. With the bigger, more prolific ones, the level of community engagement is often somewhere between good and stratospheric. Quick and easy content though they may provide, I always enjoy contributing myself, and they certainly helped me through the past couple of years, which were difficult in so many ways.

My own meme, on the other hand, has decelerated to the point where I genuinely thought, at one point, that it would come to a complete stop. Scrabbling through the digital ether to bring it back today, I chanced upon a scene I’ve never seen before, as recommended by helpful reader SA. With acknowledgement to him, then, let’s dive into…

Appearance: The Corporate Ladder (1997)
Characters: Nicole Landon & Matt Taylor

I haven’t actually seen The Corporate Ladder, but both the trailer and synopsis feel familiar. Maybe I actually have seen it and forgotten… or maybe it’s just yet another business-themed thriller that’s exactly like everything else. This was, however, made by Playboy, so it’s a fair assumption that there will be some amount of nudity at some point.

Ah, there’s an affair. I see.

Nicole kissing Matt's neck
I really hope that photo frame has a picture of a spoon in it.

Kathleen Kinmont plays Nicole, the ambitious young assistant to rich advertising executive Matt (Tony Denison, using his full name for this, as opposed to using ‘Tony’ for his more recent work and his one appearance in Charmed). She is helping his career while also helping herself to a bit of Matt. He’s married, of course, with a baby on the way, but The Corporate Ladder is a Playboy movie, so we all know where this is going to end up.

There’s some stuff about murder as well, and insofar as I can tell, someone does actually fall off a ladder at some point. So it has that going for it.

This is a sex scene between Nicole and Matt (their first) and the most obvious thing I’m getting from it is how loud it is. Their lusty moans and hesitant dialogue such as

We’re not doing anything. You’re doing it.

Nicole, who hasn’t quite got a grasp of what pronouns mean

are done at such a volume that I had to turn it down on my VLC player and rewatch the first thirty seconds at 50%. Even then, the sound effects are very prominent – there isn’t any music either, which makes them more so.

Nicole stripping, standing in her underwear
This is Nicole’s “Victoria’s Secret” catalogue audition.

This isn’t to say that Kinmont and Denison can’t act, because they can. In fact, the first 40 seconds are a very good example of how to do a seduction scene (even if it does move quite quickly). Nicole is undressing Tony from behind; his resistance is token, and her manipulation of his hand (the “you’re doing it”) to his own crotch is a nice touch. At 00:42 exactly, however, there is a jump cut to something completely different.

Because suddenly there is music. And suddenly there is Nicole doing a kind of awkward striptease in front of what looks like a collage of Year 6 work on a classroom wall. Eventually she gets around to taking the rest of Matt’s clothes off, of course, but quite a lot of time is devoted to showing Nicole in her undergarments (white bra; white knickers; white stockings), because… well, because Playboy, I guess.

Nicole, wearing a white bra, looking downwards
Nicole, surveying her prey… sorry, I mean, her boss.

There is, of course, the classic “we’re having an affair so let’s do it on a table” trope in play here, and it’s during the lead-in to this we finally get a shot of Nicole’s breasts. I mention this because she appears to take her bra off no less than three times between 01:19 and 01:27 (maybe it’s the same shot from different angles. No, that’d be too “director-y.”). But she’s an attractive woman, so that’s nice to see.

Nicole lying on top of Matt, very straight and stiff
I wonder if all those women in the background are there to make sure this passes the Bechdel Test.

At this point there was a bit of movement on her part so I did have to wonder if they were supposed to be having sex by now, but no; the next shot (which I think I may have seen on a planking website) clearly shows that Matt still has his pants on. There’s certainly a lot of kissing going on, and what might be loosely termed frottage, but no actual sex happens until…

…actually, I can’t tell.

What happens next is a serious of jump cuts between 1.5 shots of various… things happening. Some of them are sex; some are just undressing and some are random mucking about. There’s no actual sequence to it, and that’s clearly deliberate. The final 24 seconds do, to their credit, show continuous sex in one position, so if that’s what you’re looking for, it’s in here somewhere!

Nicole having sex with Matt, with a huge grin
Nicole preparing to play the lead in the next “Joker” movie.

For all I’ve said here, this isn’t a terrible scene. It’s short, and one couldn’t really call it a traditional sex scene. The setting (his office) is a little drab, and the music is uninspired – it doesn’t really lend itself to the old grey whistle test. I’m also not overly fond of Denison’s performance as Matt (he looks a bit gormless), but then again, he isn’t really given much to do here. The focus is on Kinmont as Nicole.

But it is shot well, and the seduction bit at the start is steamy, and the end bit is all right for what it is. Nicole also has this seemingly permanent grin, which I suppose serves its purpose. In the context of the rest of the The Corporate Ladder, I suppose this sort of scene is almost a necessity in establishing what’s going on here.

It’s not an all-time great, for sure. But it will do.

Revelations: Unwritten

Unlike pretty much all of my friends, I quite like this song. I’m honestly quite surprised that Molly remembers it. I can’t stand Daniel Bedingfield, but Unwritten by his sister is such an earworm that I’m prepared to give the whole family a pass.

I’m nice like that.

*

It was a Monday evening and I was headed out to band practice in an hour. By this point, everyone else had moved out of the house and I had the whole building to myself. I’d spent the whole day doing basically nothing but wandering around in circles and listening to my growing collection of MP3s – the last of which was, coincidentally, Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield.

One of my friends had written a damning indictment of the song on his blog at the time, which was probably why I downloaded it.

I also had some porn open. It wasn’t running, of course – Unwritten may be a fun song, but it doesn’t quite sync up with this scene from Virgins of Sherwood Forest – but I’d had it open for a while, the DVD valiantly whizzing in its little USB-connected device.

Natasha Bedingfield in a still from her music video for Unwritten.
Natasha in front of the background scenery from Virgins of Sherwood Forest. Or similar, anyway.

“Feel the rain on your skin…”

I clicked off Windows Media Player when the song had finished and turned my attention back to the porn. Forty-five minutes until I had to go to band. Maybe I had the time to enjoy myself beforehand. Or at least start myself off. I unhooked my trousers, slid my pants off, sat back, curled my fingers comfortably around my shaft, and clicked play.

*

Band practice went past as it always did – a collection of adequate tunes coupled with me getting almost constant low-level verbal abuse from our musical director – but it had finished. During debrief in the bar afterwards, I excused myself to use the toilet, at which point I discovered that I was still hard. Quite an achievement considering that I had just spent three hours hitting things with sticks and I had had an orgasm shortly before that.

I resolved there and then to try for another orgasm once I got home – hey, it was my house now, I could have as many as I wanted – and was distinctly uncomfortable for the ride back to my side of Nottingham. Just before I got out of the car to follow my dick back up to my bedroom, our band manager asked me to add something to the website.

“Okay I’ll do that I’ll do that tonight I promise look tomorrow okay I love you bye bye!” I said in one breath as I channelled Billy Whizz on my way to the front door. Up the stairs, with my trainers, trousers, pants and T-shirt coming off at various points. Back to my room, computer on, porn back in, same scene, let’s do it again. Again. Again.

Sooooo horny.

*

Half an hour later and I’d finally managed to clean all the cum off my hand, belly, chest, neck and a bit of the desk that it hit. I was also considering sponging down my chair and going for a shower, but maybe that could wait. I admitted it: I love my porn.

Five minuted later and I was about to shut down my computer and actually go to bed when I realised that I hadn’t done the website update. I could do that. It would take me, what, five minutes? I could even put some music back on while I typed it up…

The first song Windows Media Player opened was the one I’d been listening to when I clicked it off a short eternity ago. Unwritten started again from the beginning, a nice accompaniment to the tappity-tappity-tap of my fingers across the keyboard. I was about to click submit on the web form when I realised that I hadn’t put a title.

What would be a good title for a general update?

“Feel the rain on your skin…” I typed carefully, reasoning that if the band manager didn’t like it (or, come to think of it, if he had an aversion to Natasha Bedingfield), he could always change it).

He never asked, and that post remained in situ for the rest of the website’s existence. The fact that I managed to hide the phrase “I have been watching porn” in the code remained so too.

Maybe that’s why I like this song so much.

Revelations

Soft Porn Sunday: Griffin Drew & Jesse Johnson

Logo for Twilight Entertainment, the distribution company behind Phantom Love.
It doesn’t always look like this. I promise.

Q: What is Twilight Entertainment?
A: Surrender Cinema.
Q: What is Surrender Cinema?
A: Full Moon Features.
Q: What is Full Moon Features?
A: Charles Band’s company.
Q: Knowing this, is Charles Band then indirectly responsible for many of your orgasms?
A:
Q:
A: I feel so dirty!

Appearance: Phantom Love (2000)
Characters: Judith & Chauncie*

[*Pronounced “Chancey” /tʃɑ:nsi:/. I originally had this in my head as “Chauncey”; if you’ve played the first Luigi’s Mansion you may understand why.]

The Plot

To start with, Phantom Love is a little misleading insofar as there aren’t any phantoms. It’s one of Surrender’s later offerings (earlier ones are labelled “Torchlight Entertainment” with a logo that looks like the Pixar lamp moonlighting), and although it has some familiar faces, I can’t in all honesty say I’m overly familiar with too many of them.

I know a couple. The frame narrative of this is fairly simple: Marie (Sandy Wasko, who I mainly know from Emmanuelle 2000 and Passion Cove, although apparently she’s also in Beverley Hills 90210…) is a struggling romance writer trying to think of a new angle. On the advice of her agent (David Christensen, who I do know… he’s the dean in Co-Ed Confidential!), she does the sensible thing of going all the way to Italy, checking into a hotel she arrives at by accident, and accepting a centuries-old journal from the creepy woman in charge, which she then reads and orgasms to.

Attractive blonde lady talking to some average white dude with floppy hair. Scene from Phantom Love.
Judith spends most of the film wearing stuff like this.

The actual story is in the journal. Judith (Griffin Drew, who’s in Elke and Andromina: The Pleasure Planet but also appears in Baywatch!) is the last surviving heir of a rich Italian family, but she’s been studying in America for a while. (Quite why she’s doing a British accent isn’t really explained. It’s also not really explained why this isn’t in Italian.) Her wicked stepmother nasty aunt archetype wants her to marry the local vapid Baron, but Judith is a free spirit and prefers to go her own way.

Do I need to tell you that she then has sex with a number of different men, including the Baron, before inexplicably hitting on a plan to save the whole estate? Or had you worked that bit out? Yeah, you worked it out. I see you, gentle reader.

The Characters

Jesse Johnson kissing Griffin Drew's neck.
Nice trees in the background there. Are they real?

Judith is a British-sounding Italian lady raised in the good ol’ US of A, which didn’t actually exist in the early 18th century so I have all sorts of questions. She’s been told to save the estate, so obviously isn’t going to do that.

Chauncie (Jesse Johnson) is a gardener. He’s working-class, and isn’t even able to afford a comedy accent, but presumably he has a big cock. In any case, Judith has sex with him basically because she can. I mean, there’s the rest of the movie too, but most of the budget presumably went on this.

Sex? What Sex?

What I didn’t realise, when I started watching Phantom Love, is that (like Femalien: Cosmic Crush, which was admittedly a decade later!) there’s very little sex in this sex film. There are sex scenes – of course there are, this is Surrender – but they’re not the longest or the most arousing. In 2000 Surrender was making things like Lolida 2000, Pleasurecraft and Virgins of Sherwood Forest, so maybe this was made on an off-day or something.

Griffin Drew's bare breasts.
Is it me, or does Jesse look genuinely surprised here?

The reason I chose this scene with Judith and Chauncie was that it was basically a surprise. I was so used to the frame narrative that I wasn’t entirely sure if Griffin Drew was going to get her kit off at all. There’s a lesbian sex scene featuring her before this, but this is her first straight sex scene. It doesn’t have much preamble, either. He’s there, she kisses him, then they shag.

Efficient.

The first thing you notice is the music, which I suppose is going for the ‘aristocrat has sex’ thing, but is actually code for ‘keyboard player found the harpsichord voice’. There’s a repeated line (possibly a loop?) underlying an increasing number of string parts (maybe it’s a real string quartet. Nope, that would be a bit too BBC.) and the occasional roll on a ride cymbal. Drums playing a breakbeat come in halfway through and basically made me feel like I should be fighting a video game boss to this. It’s all very odd, and very loud, but I can’t deny that it is unique.

This week, I have been mostly eating nipples.
Jesse’s Diets

There may be limited amounts of sex, but there’s certainly a lot of kissing. For the first 70 seconds of this, Judith and Chauncie do very little but snog. Every now and again you will get a shot of his hands undoing her corset from the back, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. In real life, of course, I’m perfectly happy to kiss for more than a minute, but this is softcore – so get on with it!

Anyway, after a minute and a bit, we are rewarded with Griffin Drew’s boobs, which Jesse goes on to kiss a few times, her legs which he also kisses, and his penis.

Naked Jesse Johnson and Griffin Drew. His penis is visible.
The penis is on the bottom half of his bo… well, where a penis is, I guess.

That is to say that you can see Jesse’s penis if you slow down the playback and hit the pause button at exactly the right time. I’m not exactly emasculated by this, but it took me a while, so here’s the screenshot.

We get a standard softcore cunnilingus scene with Chauncie consisting mostly of hair and Judith making a face (which actually goes on for a while; Judith appears to have an orgasm at one point!), until eventually, at 02:04 into the scene, we mix to what is unmistakably, genuinely sex.

Huzzah, actual simulated sex!

Top half of a naked women during a sex scene.
We get this during sex scenes, but precious little else.

Something else I need to point out is that most of the sex in Phantom Love happens in the astride position, and this is no exception. We get Judith demurely riding Chauncie, although it’s mostly just her hair and back at first; there are also some nice shots of her face, boobs and even her bum at points.

That’s it, then it’s all over. It all finishes relatively quickly, and even then, most of it is filmed in close-up so all we really get is their faces. Judith finishes with

I’m going to see about getting you a raise!

judith

which is… I don’t know? Is that funny? Is it meant to be? Polite blinking from me there.

Conclusion & Evaluation

Phantom Love is a strange beast. It promises at points to be something that it isn’t, and in any case there aren’t any phantoms so it’s very much a misnomer. I wasn’t even aware of its existence until last week, and the main plot did keep me interested (to an extent), so I enjoyed it for what it is.

But then the sex scenes are all like this. Sex happens but it’s over very quickly, characters do get naked but that takes a while, and it does feel like more effort went into the music than the cinematography. There are several, all on a similar theme, and one does have to wonder why. Surrender sex scenes are longer than this. They’re better than this.

Griffin Drew smiles at Jesse Johnson. This alt text is pretty redundant, really. Can anyone see or hear these?
I do have to say that I really like her hair.

My guess – and it has to be a guess at this point – is that the studio suddenly realised that they had a fairly competent story in there somewhere. The frame narrative doesn’t do anything, but it bulks up the time a bit, and the main bit with Judith in her family’s estate actually had me hooked. I was wondering how it was going to end at some points, and considering how some Surrender films don’t have an ending, the fact that they got one in there was impressive in itself.

So watch this one if you want. But don’t expect too much from the sex. And beware! Beware the phaaaaantoms!

Wherever they’re meant to be,

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