Love, sex and interminable pop-culture references

Category: Soft Porn (Page 1 of 4)

ILB’s posts about softcore, his favourite porn subgenre

Soft Porn Sunday: Kira Reed & Guy Incognito

Passion and Roma-a-a-ance.

I don’t remember the rest of the lyrics, but that’s how the theme tune started.

Nor do I remember much of the Passion & Romance series. I remember vague references to it as “Passion” in Radio Times, occasionally with the description “Women’s entertainment”. It was certainly marketed towards women: being shown after 10:00 on UK Living, the sex was all softcore, the stories had strong female characters, and every episode was written and directed by a woman.

Except it wasn’t. While it’s claimed that this episode was both written and directed by Jill Hayworth (who also directed Emmanuelle 2000, although most of that was directed by Rolfe Kanefsky, so who knows?), some of the films in the series were made by men who used female pseudonyms.

Genuine Reverse George Eliot stuff, there. I can’t claim to understand it.

Still, I’m not a woman and I was entertained by this, so there’s that, too.

Appearance: Passion & Romance: Scandal (1997)
Characters: Annette & Some Guy

Passion & Romance episodes always follow the same formula: there’s a story, but it genuinely doesn’t matter because very few of the characters appear to own many clothes. Scandal‘s alleged plotline concerns an American election drawing near, during the run-up to which, Governor Buck-wild… sorry Buckwald (Thad Geer)… begins to lose hope as his family becomes entangled in multiple sex scandals.

Sex on a wooden bed in a blue room.
My teenage bedroom was this colour!

None of which matters, because Kira Reed Lorsch (credited as Kira Lee) and Gabriella Hall are in this and they barely appear to be aware of the existence of garments at all, so I think we all know what the broader appeal is here.

So, the scene…

This is the very first scene in the film (if you don’t count the wraparound opening sequence), and it’s a good’un. Since there’s no context yet – it could be anyone, anywhere – the scene relies on sex to draw the audience in, rather than trying to establish a story first. It is, essentially, a collection of interconnected shots of Annette (Kira) and and an unnamed, uncredited character having messy, dirty sex on a random bed while the TV is on.

I say “unnamed, uncredited” because that’s what he is. I don’t have a full copy of this flick and helpful reader S.A. – who has an encyclopaedic knowledge of this stuff – reports that this character doesn’t have a name or is credited. I myself can’t find any indication on IMDb (thus originally taking the character to be Andrew [Wesley O’Brian], who does have a scene with Kira later on). Let’s just assume he doesn’t have a name. His parents forgot, or something.

That’s it, that’s the scene. End of post.

Hands grabbing boobs.
Hey, look, hands. I have some of those.

I don’t have much else to say about it. As early as the very first frame, Annette and Mr. No-Name are going at it. There’s no disrobing and no lead-in, and from what you can see, they may well have started before we come in. Things happen in medias res, and so we are thrown – as a collective audience – into the middle of sex without any prior indication.

Which is probably why I liked this as a horny teenager.

Kira and Mr. ______’s joint performance – and the general idea conveyed by the set (clothes on the floor, bed in a bit of a mess, television still on) – suggests that the sex was urgent, and certainly not planned (always something I like). We start with something close to the missionary position, initially seen side-on, Slenderman thrusting away and Annette underneath. Kira is making a lot of grunty, moany noises and clearly enjoying herself; there’s a connection established between these two characters simply from the way it’s shot.

Kira Reed in a state of nudity.
You’ve already seen her, so here’s a different angle.

Between the 00:30 and 00:50 mark there’s a switch in position which appears almost accidental – Annette rolls over, taking No-Face (and the duvet!) with her, ending up riding him. We get some nice shots of Kira at this point – pretty face, nice red hair, obligatory boobs – before they melt into a silly kiss.

The final few seconds are incredibly intense, too. While none of it’s particularly slow, the last bit of the sex is done with Hulk levels of energy as the twosome do some bouncing on the edge of the bed. It’s all very frisky, very fun and very brisk. Sex with a smile and appropriate time management.

Some dude with his eyes closed.
Randomiser as Andrew. He forgot to put his eyes in that morning.

My initial memory of this scene was underscored by the fact that it didn’t have any music – the news broadcast on the television replacing it – but, on reviewing it now, there is a soft, unobtrusive musical score here, at a lower volume than the TV. In fact, if you play the whole scene with your eyes closed (WHICH I JUST DID WHAT HAVE I BECOME), you can listen to the anchorman helpfully explaining the plot, which you may have overlooked due to the fact that Kira Reed is on the screen…

…and the voice of director Hayworth as weather girl Wendy Waters. Just so someone can mention they noticed that!

Messy bedroom with clothes on the floor.
Wide shot from the end, with bonus floordrobe.

My big problem with the Passion & Romance series, bearing in mind that I last saw these at the age of sixteen and things have happened since then(!), was that the sex scenes – numerous though the may be – always struck me as a little humdrum. The three scenes I can remember liking – really liking – are two from Ocean of Dreams (1997)… and this one.

And now I realise why.

With gratitude to the aforementioned helpful reader for fact-checking character names.

Soft Porn Sunday: Nikki Fritz & Steve Curtis

Steve Curtis. Dutch Flaherty. Chris Johnston. A.W. Anderson. Everett Rodd. Jeff Urban.

That’s a list of all the male actors in Hotel Exotica. I genuinely don’t recognise any of those names. No David Usher, no Brian Heidik, no Jason Schnuit. I’m genuinely surprised. Surrender had a tendency to wheel out the same people to play their generic cast of forgettable idiots.

Let’s look at the female cast, then. I should be recognising Taylor St. Claire, Landon Hall and even Ahmo Height. I’ve certainly seen them all in things… but then again, this is Surrender; the same actors are in everything. I’m just not fitting names to faces. I do, however, recognise Nikki Fritz. I’ll always notice her, even if she’s only in this for a few minutes and the character doesn’t warrant a name.

What I don’t quite get is how the eponymous hotel doesn’t turn up until thirty minutes in (that’s one third of the film). But let’s overlook that.

For now. I’ll come back to it.

Appearance: Hotel Exotica (1999)
Characters: Zeke & “Zeke’s Lover” (yes, really)

Let’s have a look at the plot then, shall we? Carly (Hall) and Rachel (Height) are sisters who look nothing alike. The passion has gone out of Carly’s marriage to Doug (Flaherty), so the girls go off to the Hotel Exotica, where stale relationships are rekindled with the help of the hostess and her girls. Doug and his business partner Frank (Johnston) follow them unnoticed. This, as I said, doesn’t happen until a third of the way into the movie.

There’s a lot of exposition here.

Rachel is one of the best characters in it, but she has a terrible backstory; her artist boyfriend, Zeke (Curtis), has a secret lover who he’s been not-too-subtly boning behind Rachel’s back. On account of the fact that she just walks in and catches them at one point (implying that he didn’t lock the door), he doesn’t appear to be too concerned.

Then again, were I having sex with Nikki Fritz I wouldn’t be too concerned either.

Nikki Fritz' breasts with an artistic design on one of them.
Come for the boobs, stay for the… well… the boobs.

Anyway, this scene starts with boobs (as it should). One of Zeke’s designs is on the left breast (both a nice touch and a terrible waste of ink), but it’s a nice shot of some nice boobs, so I’ll give them that. Both participants are naked at this point, so there isn’t really any faffing around removing clothes. We can cut straight into the action, and by “action” I mean “softcore blowjob which is mostly just hair.”

Simulated fellatio featuring a lot of hair.
I suppose the angle’s right…

Because that’s all it is for the first thirty seconds. Zeke is pulling very silly faces throughout while Nikki gives it all her best hair acting skills, but it goes on for so long that they start to look bored towards the end. 31 seconds in and we switch up to…

to…

OK, I’m going to focus on this for a bit. Softcore simulates a lot of sexual acts, but it’s an incredibly rare thing to see someone eating arse. You occasionally get something in lesbian scenes, but I don’t recall any other straight scenes which are clearly meant to be simulating analingus. This is clearly what Zeke is doing here, and although there’s a pan across this shot, it has him there for eight seconds. He’s clearly licking her “from behind”.

I mean, I do that if I’m asked. Welcome to the club, Zeke.

Simulated analingus between two naked actors.
Yes! That is exactly what he’s meant to be doing!

Ahem. Anyway. We then cut to the obligatory nipple suck part of our symposium – Nikki has very pert nipples, so may as well put them in a mouth – before we finally get to oral sex the other way, Nikki on her back with Zeke’s head between her legs. Because of course this happens. They are lying on a white sheet for this, presumably because the scene is meant to be happening in Zeke’s studio. I mean, it’s not like it’s clearly a house set with the bed moved aside or anything.

Nikki throws some “I am sexually excited” faces for a bit, and then – just over one minute into the scene – they get to shagging, a fairly lusty amount of bump’n’grind in a variety of positions. It’s not shot too badly, either – there are a few too many cuts, but Nikki gets a chance to show off her body while Zeke pulls some more silly faces. My favourite bit of the entire scene happens when they have sex balanced against one of his stools (it actually uses the set here, thankfully), which both generates a lot of steam and bends Nikki’s foot into an odd position.

Sex in the missionary position on a white sheet. This alt text is pretty redundant, really.
Freshly stuffed Nikki, served on a bed of crumpled sheets.

Oh, and it also reveals Steve Curtis’ balls. I am 99.9% certain that this is completely unintentional, but his testicles swing out from between his legs no less than three times. It took me a while to screenshot it, but it most certainly happens!

There’s a fair amount of licking, sucking and sex after this, but there’s nothing new, and some of it is just reused footage from the beginning. Maybe it’s there to fill up the length of the music, or something (speaking of which, the entire scene is overlaid by a hard rock track – electric guitars and drums – which is the standard “cheating boyfriend” music in softcore. It fits the scene well enough.), but it doesn’t really add any more.

Actor with his testicles on show.
Actual balls in softcore porn. You hardly ever see such a thing!

Having said all this, I think this is the best sex scene in the film (and there’s a lot of sex in this one, I mean really, there’s plenty to choose from). Ethically, of course, it’s fairly abhorrent – we shouldn’t be celebrating cheats – but, from a cinematographic point of view, it stands out. Yes, it could be better lit, there could be a few more wide shots, and maybe it’s even a little too long for what it is… but, overall, this is a nice scene. It’s hot, it’s horny, it’s fun…

…but it wouldn’t work at all without Nikki Fritz.

And there’s a lesson in that somewhere.

Soft Porn Sunday: Nikita Cash & Craig Stepp

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served created things rather than the Creator – who is forever praised.

Romans 1:24-27

Admit it, you’ve never heard of Sinful Desires, have you? Maybe you have – it sounds very much like one of those ’90s erotic thrillers you saw on late-night cable as a teen; then again, they’re all called things like Sins of the Night II and Indecent Behaviour IV: The Search for Clothes. This could just as easily be one of them. A reader of this here blog suggested I do this review and it took me a few minutes to identify which one this is.

I think I’ve seen it…

Appearance: Sinful Desires (2001)
Characters: Lorena Collins & Jonathan Taylor

The first thing that jumps out at me is the actors involved. Lorena is played by Nikita Cash, of whom I’m actually aware – I’ve seen her in things before – and Jonathan is played by Craig Stepp, who is credited here as “Craig Field”. A steppe is a bit like a field. Please tell me that’s deliberate.

The back story…

Sinful Desires is a standard – but solid – erotic thriller whodunnit thing which is mainly focused around an American-style late-night call-in show hosted by Gia (Jacy Andrews) – real name Angelica. Gia begins to get a caller dropping hints as to her true identity, and slowly comes to realise that she is being stalked.

Hence the name of the film, Intimate Secrets, as that is what the caller is sharing.

And yes, I know the film isn’t called Intimate Secrets. It just… should be called that.

Gia’s boss Jonathan (Craig Shrubland) is mostly interested in making money from her show, and her best friend Lorena (Cash) works in the local bar where Gina drowns her sorrows. Quite why Jonathan and Lorena end up having sex I don’t recall, but hey ho.

The scene itself…

This scene is about three minutes long and doesn’t waste a lot of time getting into the action. It does briefly start with a kiss – a genuine-looking one – but three seconds in there’s a mix fade to both Cash and Savannah naked and already doing a lot more than kissing! Way to economise on screentime, movie!

Lorena and Jonathan about to kiss. Lips in odd positions and all.
Stepp down on it…

Something that I’m noticing is that, in the first thirty seconds, nothing is wasted. It’s all very fast – kisses, frottage, breast sucking, stomach licking and “good ol’ soft porn cunnilingus” (you can tell, because Lorena moans a lot) – and it comes at you with such a speed that you genuinely can’t get bored with this. Cash is doing quite a lot with her body, as well – grabbing her boobs and rocking back and forth – rather than just making a face while Grassland’s head is between her legs. It’s more realistic, and I like that.

At around the one-minute mark, sex starts. The scene takes place on a sofa (with exotic fake plants in the background, to make it more porn-y) and leopard print cushions (taaaaaaaasteless!), but it’s a good prop for which bouncy cowgirl sex to happen, and that’s what Lorena is doing.

Jonathan giving Lorena oral sex. Complete with visible bikini tan line.
Can’t stand pat, swear you gotta Stepp it up and go…

In fact, we get Lorena riding Jonathan for a while, from a number of angles – plenty of variety of facial expressions (including some very funny ones from Plateau!), lots of hair action from Cash (she has very good hair in this flick), and some very fast and very hard action that quite closely resembles actual sex. You know that moment during sex when you sort of lose control and just go for it? Yeah, this is that moment.

We also get missionary from about 01:47, which has just as much energy (even if the sofa is too small and Jonathan has to be standing up for some of this: a curious bit of design). Once again, there are a lot of quick cuts between angles, but the few seconds of sex at each angle are long enough to clarify what’s happening, so you don’t lose focus.

Lorena riding Jonathan, who is doing his best frog impression.
Drums bangin’, steel twangin’, two Steppin’, end to end…

In fact, towards the end there’s a “this is an orgasm” moment, where Jonathan pauses and lets out a “hyah!” sound, and then they both kind of ride it out to the end of the scene. Job done.

The verdict…

There’s a lot to unpack in this scene. It’s certainly full of desperate, horny energy (although it lacks the intensity of something like Lisa Boyle in Elke, it’s close) and both Cash/Lorena and TemperateBiome/Jonathan are giving it a lot. There’s a lot of movement, a lack of control – in fact, the whole thing looks messy at points, which sex is – and they both make a good sound.

I also quite like the fact that the character of Jonathan is a little older. Throughout this, Prairie has greying hair, so they haven’t tried to make him a little younger. As someone who’s beginning to feel his age, I appreciate this!

Jonathan, probably with very sore knees, having sex with Lorena, probably with a very sore back.
Every time I see you in the world, you always Stepp to my girl…

If the moans are overlaid in post-production, they’ve done a good job. These look live. The music, sadly, is bland and uninspired, but it’s not so intrusive as to be a distraction. Overall, this is a good scene.

Strangely enough, however, if the reviews are to be believed, this is one of the worse scenes in Sinful Desires. Everything I’ve seen suggests that the main draw is the star, Jacy Andrews, and that her scenes are the ones you’re watching this for. I haven’t actually seen anything with Jacy Andrews in before, and since I think this scene is hot, the prospect of something better is an intriguing one.

So let’s get the whole film, then. I mean, I’m not doing anything tomorrow, am I? Why not?

Keeping the British End Up: The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1975)

Since I started this meme, I’ve always kind of assumed that this film would come along at some point. Not that it’s particularly well-known, or memorable, or even particularly good… but I do remember it by name. Handyman. I also remember watching it, in full, on TV late one night, and then going to bed questioning my life choices.

VHS cover featuring a cartoon of Bob looking like an idiot.
My Glod! There’s a VHS release?

In fact, since then I’ve found out that this was meant to be the start of another franchise of British sex comedies – in the vein of the Adventures of… or famed Confessions series – but, due to the failure of this first instalment, it never quite got off the ground.

Let’s find out why.

The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1985)
Director: John Sealey
Starring: Barry Stokes, Penny Meredith, Gay Soper, Sue Lloyd, Bob Todd, et al.

It’s not difficult to see where the idea for something like this came from. Written by Derrick Slater from an idea by the director himself, it takes a trope that works (working-class salt-of-the-earth type attempts to do his job; ends up in bed with beautiful women) and runs with it. The problem here is that it doesn’t appear to know where it’s running to.

I shall explain. Although the film itself starts in London (indeed it has a montage of the London traffic as the opening sequence), it quickly transpires that Margaretta (Meredith), a faithful wife, has inherited a little country cottage in the fictional village of Sodding Chipbury…

…no, wait, I haven’t finished laughing yet…

Husband having sex with wife while she chats to her mother on the phone.
Marital bliss, with added phone.

…and transplants herself there, taking with her her husband Bob (Stokes), who takes on a job as a handyman for hire in order to pay the bills. This is a British sex comedy, though, so of course you know where that’s going.

My memory of this one may be sketchy, but a few things I remembered before viewing this again were:

– a catchy theme song (written by Vic Elms, as it turns out, and sung by Stokes himself. I also remember it being more catchy than it actually is.)
– a title sequence in “British seventies sex comedy yellow”, which is definitely very much there
– a frolicking haystack sex scene
– lots and lots of casual nudity but practically no sex
– and not much else!

I wasn’t far off. For what it’s worth, Handyman does contain all those sorts of things. It ticks a lot of by-the-numbers boxes as well: dirty old men with pretty young wives, a hapless wide-eyed policeman, broad physical pratfalls played for cheap laughs, lots of scenes in double time (seriously, they Billy Whizz half these bits) and a protagonist who is physically unremarkable but seemingly irresistible to women.

Three nude people in some black-looking water,
Bath threesome. The water here looks filthy!

Yes, I said that last bit. The problem here is with the main actor. Stokes isn’t unattractive – he’s a decent-looking enough bloke – but the character he’s playing definitely is. He’s mostly completely gormless, seemingly completely unaware of what’s going on, sporting this look that’s reminiscent of someone who’s just been struck over the head with a metal pipe! He has none of the cheeky charm or the innocent-but-keen attitude of the other male protagonists of the time, and the script isn’t doing him any favours. In fact, the best lines go to the women…

When we get to the bathroom, you pull it out!

pretty young woman

…but, bear in mind, the fact that they’re the best doesn’t really mean they’re any good.

What I did get wrong was the amount of sex. It isn’t particularly explicit, but there is actually quite a lot of this – brief though the scene may be (the longest sex scene is right at the beginning, between husband and wife). There’s a threesome in the bath at one point, the aforementioned frolicking haystack scene, sex with the squire’s wife, sex with Maisie, sex in a car with the blonde, and…

…yeah, let’s go through these,

Threesome in the bath: This happens during Bob’s first handyman job, with the pretty young woman quoted above (whose dad owns the village shop) and her boss. There is genuinely no introduction to this – Bob trips and falls into the bath on top of her, and it just starts!

Incestuous threesome on top of a haystack! Yes, really!
The haystack scene. Bob is on the right; Polly is under him, but you can’t really tell.

The haystack scene: This has some sort of precursor, insofar as Bob comes across Polly, a woman sunbathing nude, who puts him to work shovelling hay and then does a striptease for him basically because she can. Her mother then turns up(!), who appears to be about the same age(!!), and they all have sex in the hay(!!!), and nobody appears to see the problem with this?

Sex with the squire’s wife: After a meeting of classy ladies, Bob gets hired by the squire’s wife. The squire himself is only interested in spanking (in fact, there’s a whole spanking scene here!), but she’s more interested in having sex with Bob. As with the aforementioned two, this doesn’t really have any buildup – she just disrobes and they get on with it!

Sex with Maisie: Maisie (Soper) is presented as a woman with strange fetishes – a few Gothic artefacts on the wall, some BDSM gear, that sort of thing. Again, this is all some sort of hint that the women in the village are both sexually starved and a little odd, but the handyman sleeps with her anyway. The BDSM subplot doesn’t go anywhere, by the way.

The car scene: Bob doesn’t even take his clothes off for this one. While he and the car’s owner are in flagrante delicto, the car’s brake comes off and it careens down a flat road (although quite how…), flattening Fred (the cop)’s bike and initiating a trouble-with-the-law subplot that also doesn’t go anywhere!

Old man spanking his pretty young wife. The idiot forgot to take his hat off.
The squire forgot to take his hat off. Tch, how careless.

In fact, none of these subplots do. Fred has his own which only really amounts to following Bob around. There’s a subplot involving indecent literature in the shop, the spanking squire having a completely topless maid who otherwise wears traditional “French maid” dress, some very ill-advised fox hunts during which young ladies appear intentionally, and the aforementioned incest and BDSM references, and none of them bear any relevance to the main plot…

…BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ONE!

And that’s not hyperbole. Handyman is incredibly episodic and could have just as easily been a miniseries of short sketches. It doesn’t even have a real ending; it just kind of finishes, leaving it open for a sequel which never happens. It’s also badly lit, badly edited, badly directed, and there’s one scene where the spanking squire’s mouth moves but no dialogue whatsoever is heard! Nice one, movie!

I’ve seen in several places that this is “the worst of the worst”, and while it isn’t – there are worse, and this has a good helping of nudity, so at least it delivers on that front – it’s definitely not good. It’s got a lot of what makes a British sex comedy in it, but it completely becomes unstuck, and the initial set-up may as well not have happened when you consider how all-at-sea this ends up being.

And now to try and get that theme song out of my head.

Music Video Sunday: Billie Myers

Tell me who would you be?
Would you be me?
The woman in me?
Would you like to be under my skin?
I will let you in, yeah yeah yeah

Hello, internet! Do you want to know what I just found out about Billie Myers? Have a guess. No, go on. Not about the fact that she’s bisexual; I knew that already. Or that she used to be a nurse. Or that she criticised Obama for failing to mention marriage equality in a speech. Or that she has a remix album. Or that she’s from Coventry. No. None of them.

What I just found out is that she sang Kiss The Rain.

I genuinely didn’t know this. I remember the song being on NOW That’s What I Call Music! 38, but I don’t remember ever being into it. What I was into was her 1998 follow-up Tell Me, which reached number 28 in the charts and was also probably responsible for my entire sexual awakening.

I shall explain.

Black-and-white shot of a couple kissing.
This is the sort of screenshot I’d expect from a normal Soft Porn Sunday!

I was 13 in 1998. Having tried to convince myself for the past two years that I wasn’t actually interested in sex had proved to be a fruitless endeavour. I was now getting more interested in my body and what made it tick, and certain words or phrases (or ideas) did so. Making love was certainly one of them, as opposed to the shorter, four-letter words that the rowdy boys in my year used as punctuation. I was also aroused by various odd ideas like being encased in a sex machine or staying at school overnight to have sex with the girl I sat next to in French.

And Tell Me by Billie Myers.

For those of you that don’t know, Tell Me is a song about sex. More specifically, it’s a song in which Billie envisions as herself as the person with whom she is having sex, while having sex with them. In it she entreats the person (who doesn’t have a specific gender) to tell her

Oh, how does it feel
Making love to me like you do?

and even freely admits that

Naked, oh, I like you naked
And when I fake it, you like me more

To a thirteen-year-old, this was nothing short of a revelation. A song about having sex, by a woman who’s probably at some point had sex, who clearly enjoys sex, and is comfortable enough to admit so. What is she, some sort of goddess?

And then we have the music video.

Billie Myers with her shirt half-undone, exposing her bra, in front of a multicoloured background.
Billie’s audition to be the next Max Headroom was met with mixed reviews.

I’ve been watching porn for a long time now and I still don’t think I’ve ever seen anything quite as sexually charged. The video is – there is no other word for it – HOT. There is a kind of plot, I suppose, but the majority of it is disconnected shots of moderately sexual activity happening in various places (centred around a strip club, which is where the video’s prologue starts). Throughout its 4:50 runtime, we get:

– people getting frisky, both with Billie Myers, and each other
– people getting frisky, both in pairs and in threes, and occasionally in groups
– occasional shots of an Indian goddess doing a belly dance
The Matrix-like spacey black outfits
– Max Headroom-ish kaleidoscopic backgrounds
– women wearing nothing but a bra
– strippers wearing very little on their lower half
– everyone being really sultry and nobody actually giving a fuck
– a couple towards the end possibly actually having sex on the bar

A couple in skintight black catsuits in front of neon lights on a dark background.
Hey, this new TRON remake looks good.

Billie spends the entire video in various states of undress, possibly doing a striptease herself (or is it a sort of “exposing my vulnerability” thing? Whatever it is, I’m grateful for it), and in fact the final shot is of her, slightly abashed, putting her clothes back on and fading out.

It’s all very clever, very tantalising, incredibly sexy, and it’s underscored by the song itself, which is great in its own right. Add the lyrics to the excellent music and there’s very little doubt as to why this was my gateway drug back in 1998.

*

Billie Myers doing her shirt up at the end of the video.
Don’t cover your modesty, Billie. You have nothing to hide.

“I wonder what this song is called?” said my dad, jocularly, as Billie sang “tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me…” while gyrating on Top of the Pops.
“Hnnnnnnnnnnnngh,” I said unhelpfully, before realising he’d made a joke.
“Anyway, I’m going to make dinner. Do you want to help?”
“Would I have to stand up?”
“…I expect so…”

Throb.

“I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”

Soft Porn Sunday: Jillian Janson & Tyler Borresch

AKA: “Did I Really Waste My Birthday Money On This?”

My apologies, first of all, for taking two years to do this one. That is to say that this flick was released (if you can call it “released”) two years ago and I didn’t know it existed until very recently. I should pay more attention, or something.

Anyway. It’s been more than a decade since Surrender Cinema made anything. The fact that this film exists at all is a marvel – considering that the first Femalien was made in 1996 (and largely considered one of their best) and followed by the poorly-received Femalien 2 (1998) and archive footage re-release Femaliens: Seduction of the Species (2017). This is, in name at least, the fourth in the Femalien series, almost a quarter of the century after the first one came out.

Fuck me, I’m old.

As this excellent review by Jason Coffman says, this is an entry in the Femalien series which doesn’t carry the Surrender Cinema label (or that of its predecessor studio Torchlight, or successor Twilight) – rather it was released under the banner of Full Moon (its parent company), and more specifically as one of Charles Band’s Deadly Ten, a collection of low-budget horror movies which are Full Moon’s usual fare.

It also has nothing to do with Femalien. The plot itself involves a planet named Thanagar (DC are getting a lawyer), on which a research team have landed; they are joined, eventually, by delegates from the high council of Altaria (Pokémon are getting a lawyer). While the researchers’ professor Dara’Tel Quenthosz (Denise Milfort) starts going mad with power, things are thrown into a spin, and it’s up to those who have retained their sanity to sort things out.

I’m aware this sounds like an MST3K movie plot. The question on everyone’s lips, I’m sure (mine, at least), is that most prescient: “where’s da seks @???”)

Appearance: Femalien: Cosmic Crush (2020)
Characters: Marion Ovudo & Jeetz Axelrod

As opposed to the first two films in the series – and, yes, it feels odd to write that – there genuinely isn’t a lot of sex in Cosmic Crush. There’s plenty of nudity (some of the characters may as well not have any costumes in the wardrobe), but very little actual sex. It’s a part of the plot (insofar as the Thanagarian Pleasure Pod, yes that’s a thing don’t question me, is a part of the plot), but the majority of the sex is implied – light petting and a little foreplay and then a quick fade out. For a while, I was wondering if I had bought a cut version of the DVD!

One of the actual sex scenes happens fairly early on in the film, however. Our main character, Marion (who’s on the mission because of her father or something, I dunno), begins the film in a relationship with Jeetz (who’s on the mission because he is). The opening scene, which is ostensibly about the team making a bumpy landing on Thanagar, cuts to Marion and Jeetz every now and again. They can’t help with the landing because they’re…

…busy.

Brunette with long hair has sex with a man on his back. Her arse is obscured by silver bedding.
Doesn’t look like the most comfortable place to have sex, really.

Our first inkling of what they are up to comes just after an entreaty to “hold onto something!”, so I suppose they are doing so (in fact, I suspect that line wasn’t entirely serendipitous, but you never know with this sort of thing). It’s a very quick shot, of course, but it leaves no doubt as to what they are doing.

A few cuts between crew later and we are treated to a slightly longer, slightly more explicit snatch of sex scene. Marion (Janson) is riding Jeetz (Borresch) in a little sleeping cubby that seems to be designed particularly for people to have sex in the astride position. I fail to see how anyone could actually sleep in one, but then again, I’ve had sex in a cubby two metres tall by one and a half wide and then fallen asleep in it, so maybe it’s not impossible.

Sex in a little cubby. This alt text is sort of redundant, really.
Baby, I can see your halo.
You know you’re my saving grace…

To the film’s (and the actors’) credit, the sex here is pretty good. It’s certainly energetic, with lots of bounce. Borresch might have this sort of semi-inane, semi-manic grin on his face throughout, but Janson is giving a good performance, even throwing out some piercing softcore moans (a departure from the norm, since Surrender hardly ever used anything except music for their sex scenes) at points. Throughout one shot, she even appears to be artistically lit, which probably isn’t intentional but I’m going to pretend it is.

The scene could end when Marion bumps her head on the roof, but it doesn’t. She shakes it off, smiles and then just carries on shagging. Good for you, honey.

The entire thing is underscored (as is the whole scene, including the bits in the cockpit with the crew) with some electronic thrash metal, which I suppose is meant to indicate the hazardous landing, but it works quite well for the sex too. It’s not exactly in time with it, but then it doesn’t really need to be. Since the sex lasts about fifteen seconds, anything else would be jarring.

But then that’s the other thing: fifteen seconds. If that.

I wonder how long these alt text boxes are. They may well last forever. At some point I intend to find out.
Marion has just hit her head and is recovering from something she really should have foreseen.

On paper, this all sounds good. The “busy workers oblivious to people having sex nearby” trope is certainly one of my favourites, and it helps that this whole setup establishes some of the characters and basic scene. Janson herself is incredibly pretty, and she’s certainly thrown herself into this rôle (I could give or take Borresch, but Jeetz is one of only two male characters in this, so I’ll allow it).

What it doesn’t excuse is how brief this is. It’s even the longest sex scene in the film, given its propensity for more inoffensive nudity and sex implication as the machine trundles along.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa hey, this really does go on forever aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

I’ll point this out here and now, though. I’m being unfair. I bought this DVD on the assumption that it would be a full-on softcore flick on account of the fact that it’s called Femalien and it’s by the same company. There’s no indication that it would have been one otherwise. It really shouldn’t be called that – Cosmic Crush on its own would have done. But it doesn’t advertise itself as softcore, being as it is one of the Deadly Ten.

I’m not owed, in my hubris, any sex scene that I just assumed would be there. And I suppose, essentially, that I’ve learned a lesson here.

I’m just not sure what it is, that’s all.

Hard Porn Tuesday

It had been a difficult week. Illnesses, money worries, body image and projects that only get finished at the last minute. Yesterday afternoon was a hodgepodge of excitement and exhaustion. I couldn’t focus; I couldn’t think. Time for porn.

I opened VLC and started browsing the folder I’ve helpfully named “Don’t Look Here!”. What should I watch? All my favourite scenes were there in alphabetical order. It shouldn’t have been difficult to choose one – specifically since I hadn’t had an orgasm in about a week and now had a couple of hours to kill. My finger hovered over the Shannan-Leigh-in-Andromina scene and…

…and…

The problem with this was that, for the last two weeks, I’d mostly been eschewing softcore in favour of harder stuff. It was easier (and more unfamiliar, which made it better, since I love discovering new stuff) to spend a while on Chaturbate than it was to spool through the several-hundred-strong scene count I’ve got on my HD and/or my Discs of Wonder.™

I’d even started delving into the murky depths of genuine hardcore porn. I’ve always been fond of Laura Angel, but right now I’m a bit of a fan of cute, nerdy starlet Leana Lovings (although that’s Emma‘s fault, so blame her); in fact, I’ve even invented a new mark to put in my diary when it’s Leana I’ve been watching when I come. (Is that creepy? I think it’s creepy. I don’t know… I just don’t…!)

Yesterday afternoon, however, I waivered. I’d just come home from a rather intense job interview, during which I slipped and fell in some mud (before doing the entire interview with my brand new suit and coat covered in it (and still managed to get the job!)). My entire intention was to work off all the stress of February with softcore, and yet ILB of February hadn’t been watching softcore.

What had I become?

Okay, fine, I thought. I’ve got time. I’ll watch a few things. I opened some tabs, and then closed them again. I cued up a few videos, and then hit pause almost immediately.

Flappy ILB is not good ILB. My brain was shattered into little pieces, my heart was pounding, my memory spinning, and worst of all, my penis was rock hard and I wasn’t doing anything about it, which was my intention when sitting at my computer to begin with!

In the end, I chose a scene completely at random. No skipping, no closing it after the good bit, no cinematographic criticism in my head. Just a scene. I just needed to watch a scene – good old clean, glossy soft porn. My gateway drug and my first great love.

And I had the biggest orgasm I’ve had in weeks the instant the scene ended.

There’s a lesson here somewhere. If only I could work out what it is…

Pornception

For the past couple of weeks, and (more specifically) when I’m taking quiet moments to try to fight off the remnants of COVID-19 by virtue of such remedies as “sleep”, I’ve had one specific sex scene in my head.

Ondrea reclines on a table while having sex with Alvin.
Genuinely didn’t take me long to find this.

It’s one of my favourites, for sure, although for some reason I’ve never really mentioned it on my blog… I probably will at some point. It’s hot, anyway, it’s quick to start, it’s quite long, and it’s got Amber Newman in it. But this post isn’t about that. Unless you want to wank, in which case I would recommend. I mean, I had my first wank in weeks to this scene and I came so hard that I managed to hit my shoulder.

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Well, I’ve talked before about how my daytime dreams tend to be more sexual than my night-time ones, for sure, but I’m not sure what I was doing during COVID-19 recovery could really be counted as “dreaming”. Most of the time, I wasn’t even asleep. Just… lying there. In all the pain and the discomfort and with the hideous scent I still have somewhere in my nose. COVID is boring, and at the end of the day, all I was doing was staying still, thinking about how I had COVID.

If I did fall asleep, it would be a fitful slumber. More than likely, I’d cough myself awake at some point, or suddenly need to vomit or drink or something, and I wouldn’t get the rest I needed…

…but just once…

I was surrounded by darkness. To say that I was in a dark room or a dark hallway wouldn’t be an accurate description of where I was – nor was I floating somewhere in the dark. I just had no other surroundings. There was one focal point of my dream and everything else did not exist. I could only see one thing, and that was my point.

Dreamy ILB was staring – not looking, staring – at a screen which was (somehow, I’m not sure how) in front of him. On the screen was a video (maybe a stream?) of another screen, close enough to the camera to see that this was, in turn, showing a third screen… and on this screen, clear as day, was a high-resolution, DVD-quality capture of that one very scene, both Amber Newman and Brian Heidik doing their thing. It’s all that I remember – the music, the disrobing, the sex.

Dreamy ILB got that swoopy feeling in his stomach that Normal ILB gets when he’s about to watch something that’ll make him come. Normal ILB, at that point, of course woke up – tearing him away from the scene he loves, throwing him back into his dark, empty bedroom and underneath the tangle of sheets he’d been using as a duvet replacement.

I lay there panting for a few moments. Time check – four in the afternoon. Okay, sure. Body check – still full of COVID. Do I need a drink? No. Toilet? No. Food? No – I keep bringing up whatever I eat. So why do I feel different?

And then I realise that I’m hard. Wait, no, not just hard – very hard. In fact, I think I’m more aroused than I’ve been all year. I’ve managed to turn myself on by having a dream about a stereoscopic view of a scene I’ve been watching regularly since the age of 18.

So what do I do now? I certainly can’t pleasure myself. I barely have the energy to breathe. Moving my hand would be completely beyond my capabilities.

With a Herculean effort, I roll over onto my side…

…I throw my stronger hand over my chest and drag it, finger, by finger, down my stomach…

…and I wrap my fingers around my shaft, feeling how hard it is, feeling it pulse and throb…

…and I go back to sleep.

Soft Porn Sunday: Angelica “Venus” Costello & Burke Morgan

When Channel 5 launched in 1997, it quickly gained a reputation as “the porn channel”, even though it didn’t really show anything that could be broadly categorised as porn. It did show, on Friday evenings, the occasional erotic thriller (which teenage ILB translated as “plot with sex”) or erotic drama (“less plot, more sex”), usually carrying nothing more than a two-star rating.

A lovely vista of a city with two naked people blocking the view.
Is this what counts as censorship in 2004?

It stopped doing so after five years. Had it not, it would have shown this, hands down.

Appearance: Passionate Encounters (2004)
Characters: Cassandra & Doctor Jenkins

So, here’s the tea. Passionate Encounters is billed as a drama, but we all know what it really is. The female character Cassandra is played by hardcore porn star Venus; Jenkins by softcore stalwart Burke Morgan (although in this case he isn’t playing the ‘slightly older non-sexual thingy’ that Surrender had him booked for in the early ’00s). There is, in fact, a plot: two psychologists start an experiment… which is meant to explore various people’s behaviour towards each other.

It soon turns to… okay, I don’t need to finish this sentence, do I?

The first thing that I need to talk about here is Burke Morgan. I’m aware of his work in Virgins of Sherwood Forest (in which he plays the viceroy) and Dungeon of Desire (in which he plays the wizard Marcus). I’m also aware that he’s in Friend of the Family and Scandal! On the Other Side (and LA 7 with S Club), but as things stand, up until this point I can’t really recall seeing him have sex.

Here, he presents as being in possession of a short, stubbly goatee (black with grey streaks)… and a mullet.

The scene takes place he has a mullet in an apartment he has a mullet with a city-scape outside he has a mullet at night he has a mullet with beautiful, younger girl he has a mullet Cassandra he has a mullet (played by he has a mullet Venus). He does appear to be markedly older than her, but maybe that is the point – Dr Jenkins is a clever professor, after all – and it doesn’t make a lot of difference to the proceedings, either.

Half-naked girl with cityscape behind her, plus mulleted grey idiot.
Did the camera operator faint? This is at a weird angle.

We start with classic softcore disrobing, although to the scene’s credit most of Cassandra’s clothes come of after Jenkins has started licking her out. There’s actually quite a lot of soft porn cunnilingus here, actually, accounting for a quarter of the scene, and it’s not badly done, either: Venus is making all sorts of noises, and it has a sort of “I must lick, now, right now” urgency (I feel you, doc) that I like. Waste no time, start with the pleasure. Impressive.

At 01:16 we mix to a different shot, and this is initially of Cassandra just bouncing up and down (making the same noises she was making in the previous shot!). This is sex, clearly – and yes, we cut to a wider shot of sex – bouncy sitting position sort of sex – on a sofa with the city twinkling behind them.

Half-naked girl in front of a brown curtain atop a grey idiot.
That’s either a brown curtain behind them or abstract photography. Either’s fine, really.

A note on the city, then: this is the backdrop for the entire scene. It’s remarkably simple – lights of an urban area at night – but it works, insofar as highlighting the grandeur of the place in which their warm room is a tine part and offsetting their cosy arrangement with a bustling metropolis that never sleeps. It’s a remarkable piece of mise-en-scène that I’m fairly sure I’m the only one to have noticed. Nice to see these things.

Anyway, is there sex still happening? Ah, there it is.

There is a fair amount of energy in the scene, as well – even if there isn’t a lot of variation in the sex position. There’s quite a lot of bounce – standard bump’n’grind – but Venus’ facial expressions and constant soundtrack underline how much fun Cassandra is having. Jenkins he has a mullet isn’t seen much, but when he is, he appears a little overwhelmed, maybe by the sex itself, or the beauty of the lady he’s having it with, or how his hairpiece went out of style two decades earlier. It’s good acting, anyway, and done with adequate amounts of enthusiasm.

Massive head, grey beard, mullet.
Welcome, watchers. Pause a while, for here’s adventure, dungeon style…

At 04:43 there is an interesting up-close bum shot. It’s a transition between sex positions, but it’s very close and very apparent for about a second. Thought I’d mention that.

Cassandra spends the rest of the scene riding Jenkins in the more classic front-on “cowgirl” astride position. As with before, there are plenty of noises, a fair amount of bouncy energy, and of course plenty of skin (by now she has fully disrobed, so we get boobs as well).

And then they kiss, which is kind of gross, before a pan to the city through the window once more… and fade out.

So, the big question: do I like this scene? Well, sort of. I like the set-up well enough, and the aforementioned urgency leading to the fun energetic sex make for a good scene. Both characters are clearly enjoying themselves here, and the fact that they’re not doing anything other than enjoying themselves also helps. Sex is presented here as just a break from doing anything else… AS IT SHOULD BE!

Beautiful woman in profile.
Venus is hella pretty, so here she is, in all her glory.

A special note goes to the soundtrack. As I’ve mentioned before, Venus moans a lot, and you can even hear their bodies slapping together (making the dull thud, you know the one). There’s a piece of music undercutting the whole scene, which is reminiscent of both other softcore scenes from the period and video game boss fights, but it’s at no point intrusive or distracting.

In fact, the only thing (other than Burke Morgan, who has a mullet) this scene does for which it can’t be reasonably excused is go on for too long. The whole thing is more than seven minutes and comprises of oral sex, riding in one position and then riding in another position. In real life this wouldn’t be wildly unrealistic; in soft porn, however, it genuinely seems like too little variation in too much time. It’s odd, and although genuinely hot, it does kind of drag after the first five minutes.

This is good; can you do something different, please?

ILB’s Brain at 05:13

Having said that, there’s nothing too wrong with this. Morgan, who does seem very old here, is okay, and Venus is gorgeous, so it’s easy on the eye… and, as I’ve mentioned, the contrast between the warm room and the dark city outside adds a bit more depth and dimension that there otherwise would be.

There could just be a little more done in a little less time, really, and due to the fact that I’m a big fan of longer scenes, that genuinely is saying something!

With thanks to friendly reader SA, who recommended the scene to me.

[REC]

Throughout my teenage years most of the glossy smut I used to consume came courtesy of my gran’s Cable TV package. She was very much into sports, so most of the channels she watched weren’t to my particular taste, but after hours, I used to indulge – when I could – in whatever was on L!VE, UK Living, Bravo, or even Sci-Fi (although Sci-Fi also showed Knightmare for a while, so I was well-acquainted with them).

Channel Five changed everything.

With terrestrial new kids on the block – and those who actually showed soft porn, no less – actually recording some suddenly became an option. It was impossible to do on cable (and I never quite realised why), digital encoding was years away, and I had plenty of blank VHSs to exploit. While the softcore shown on Friday nights was of varying quality – the original Emmanuelle was good; Buford’s Beach Bunnies… less so – the fact that I could actually use magnetic storage to obtain these films (and, hypothetically therefore, watch them at my leisure) was something new.

New and exciting.

While I remember the first time I recorded something – it was called Lap Dancer and didn’t have nearly enough sex in it – the thing I remember the most, of course, was… destroying the tape.

Although I was diligent in committing to magnetic storage a lot of the flicks I liked, at this point I was going through my “porn is wrong and I’m watching it so I must be a pervert” stage. Practically every week I would give up, and as a result I’d tape over whatever I’d taped with an afternoon of CITV or something – assuring myself that I was now cleansed, and never would watch any ever again.

And then I’d record more the following Friday.

Things came to a head the week after recording Rosie Dixon: Night Nurse. Feeling appalling every time I saw the tape (labelled “Muttley” since I’d originally been intending to use it for Wacky Races), in the end I decided I needed to get rid of the VHS, thus spiritually cleansing myself and rendering myself unable to do it again (without stealing one of my parents’ VHSs, and they all had something on them). In the end, I went to my mortal enemy Stu, who – despite hating me – also knew a lot about destruction.

Using one of Stu’s methods, I managed to lever open the cassette, pull the tape out and snap it in half, and then – for good measure – stashed the remains in the tiny alleyway that ran by the side of the house, in a drain. Hopefully, I told myself, the rain and run-off from the pipe will finish it off. And I’ll never do that again.

I wasn’t wrong, on this occasion. I didn’t do so again. I discovered downloading soon afterwards.

But it didn’t stop, on one occasion, a distraught, horny teen ILB, standing in the rainy, wet alleyway trying to find a way to repair the tape he had so artfully destroyed.

Zounds, I can be so desperate sometimes.

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