Tag: soft porn sunday (Page 1 of 3)

Doing Soft Porn Sundays suggested by readers is always a bit of a challenge. On one hand, occasionally I like the scenes, and it’s always good to add to my (admittedly labyrinthine) knowledge of softcore. On the other, however, I do like the familiarity afforded by actors, writers, directors and series I know. For that reason, when friendly reader SA suggested I do this one (thanks for the recommendation, SA!), I was immediately intrigued.

The reason? Not only am I already aware of the Sex Files series, I am also familiar with some of the names here. Writer Justin Ritter served as production assistant on Emmanuelle in Space and was “second second assistant director” (I’ve never known what that means) on Justine. The cast contains Regina Russell, Nancy O’Brien, Brandy Davis and “good ol’ Jason Schnuit”. It’s even casted by Robert “lots of money but a real dickhead” Lombard and executive produced by an uncredited Alain Siritzky.

This is nice. It’s okay. I’m comfortable with this. I’m home here.

Appearance: Sex Files – Pleasureville (2000)
Characters: Ms. Winters & Ralph Lucky

Like the other flicks in the Sex Files series, a thin plot justifies all the shagging here: a video store is being run by aliens, whose videos brainwash people into having sex with… whoever. It’s not the most involved of storylines, neither is it particularly explained to any great extent quite why they are doing this. Lots of people watch the videos and then have sex and that’s it. That’s pretty much the movie.

Among the milieu of people having random sex we have Ms. Winters (played by von Flotow, credited here as “Michelle Hall”), and Robert Donavan (also a regular) as generic man Ralph Lucky. Lucky (her boss) and Winters are intending to stay “professional”. You know this because Lucky says

How much more professional can we be?

and then proceeds to run the sex tape anyway. A few snatches of repurposed footage from other Sex Files productions happen (seriously, it’s about a second), there’s a gasp, then Winters says, “oh, Mr Lucky”. Mr Lucky responds with “Ms. Winters.” Then they have SEX!!! zOMG I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!!!!!1one

Okay, maybe I skipped a bit. They don’t immediately have sex. They start by kissing and then taking their clothes off (they are both wearing business suits… professional, you see). Winters is wearing a strange and ethically questionable leopard-print bra and knickers combination (I don’t know, but maybe the fact that they match makes it more professional) before delivering…

…what I assume is meant to be a blowjob. Immediately after this is a mix to a scene in which Lucky is still very much wearing shorts. Why he’s wearing shorts under a business suit I have no idea, but that’s okay, because they suddenly and magically vanish the instant he takes off Winters’ underthings. Just as well, really, because she immediately starts riding him.

While doing so she finally takes her bra off. That’s fairly efficient. Professional, in fact.

The cowgirl sex doesn’t really go anywhere, by the way. It lasts for about sixteen seconds before there is an (admittedly clever) transition to missionary sex (filmed as if in one shot – maybe it was…). That doesn’t last too long, either, replaced as it is by Lucky giving her oral sex. At least I think that’s what he’s doing. It’s difficult to tell. That isn’t important, anyway, as they then jump back to missionary sex for five more seconds before there’s more astride and seriously what the fuck’s going on with this scene?

I mean, really. It’s less of a coherent sex scene than it is the component parts of a sex scene edited in an intentionally disjointed way. The latter half of the scene is more of the same – sex in a variety of positions – but the bits are presented with very little clarity and no accounting for continuity. If you’re finding one bit hot, then you’re going to be thrown off after a few seconds anyway, so what’s the point?

The best bit of the scene, by far, has to be the fact that the whole thing is set to a ’90s-esque pop song (evocative of Alanis Morissette or LeAnn Rimes) sung by a professional-sounding woman with a nice enough voice. I’m listening to it while typing this paragraph and, since the actors never utter a sound beyond three very quiet moans, it doesn’t make for that bad listening. (There’s no credit for this on IMDb, so if someone knows who this is, tell me!)

So, yeah. This is a curious scene in a series of films of which I’m otherwise quite fond. It moves forward at a fair clip, the actors are giving it a good go, and the music is great… but it’s confused in its presentation. The little vignettes aren’t long enough to hold any attention (even the lengthier ones make you wonder when they’re going to change). There isn’t even any passion in this, and the scene ends without any reconciliatory dialogue (it could do with some!).

Good idea, and all – and it fits the brief – but it isn’t very…

…wait for it…

…professional!

Be still, my beating heart!

It happens sometimes. I think I know more than I do – I can catalogue most of Passion Cove, put the Confessions films in order, list each of the films in the Emmanuelle series GIVE THE 2024 ONE A UK RELEASE YOU ABSOLUTE COWARDS – and then something blindsides me at the last minute.

Featuring Joe Estevez (brother of Martin Sheen), Don Swayze (brother of Patrick) and Joey Travolta (brother of John) – and bonus Jackie Stallone, Burt Ward, Nikki Fritz and C.C. Costigan – Beach Babes from Beyond is one such thing. I’m genuinely surprised, thinking I knew everything Surrender put out in their entire catalogue… and then I find this!

It even won an AVN Award – I mean…!

Appearance: Beach Babes from Beyond (1993)
Characters: Dave & Xena

Plot-wise, this one follows the standard formula: intergalactic babe Xena (Roxanne Blaze) “borrows” her dad’s ship to go… somewhere… with her two pals Sola (Nicole Posey) and Luna (Tamara Landry) but they run out of fuel, crash-landing in California. Into the mix come three guys (wouldn’t you know it? Three! How fortunate!), Dave, Jerry and Ziggy (Michael Todd Davis, Ken Steadman and Michael Roddy). Sex happens Stuff happens.

There’s some more stuff – Uncle Bud is about to lose his beach house; the beach babes enter the bikini contest to win repair money; the evil fashion designer will stop at nothing to win – but it’s mostly salad dressing. It gives you a plot to cling to (I will admit “we crashed so let’s fuck” is a little flimsy, even for Surrender). Consider, however, that a total of 08:75 – over 11% of this film’s 79:44 runtime – is given over to Baywatch-style bikini-clad beach montages… not to mention the 06:03 bikini contest routine towards the end, and it’s fairly clear somebody thought that whatever they filmed needed a little padding.

In any case, the sex

Although the sequel (yes, there’s a sequel) indicates that all three girls lost their virginity to the guys during the events of this one, you wouldn’t know it. The cut-between-sex montage featuring Jerry, Ziggy, Sola and Luna depicts those beach babes as particularly well-versed in exactly what to do in bed with an Earthling. Maybe it’s Xena who was a virgin. Let’s find out.

Her sex scene with Mike doesn’t actually start too badly. It’s actually fairly romantic, in a way (a “terrible sound design but the dialogue is all right” way): a hissy Xena doesn’t want to leave Mike, but a hissy Mike is insistent that they’ll find a way – quite an LDR, two galaxies away, but maybe they can use Zoom or something.

In any case, their kiss is quite sweet and WHAT THE FUCK JUMP CUT?

This was in full colour with some unobtrusive music! Why is it suddenly blue? Where did their clothes go? Why did somebody suddenly overlay the exact same music from Tales of the Saddle Tramps?

Where even are they, anyway? This isn’t Uncle Bud’s beach hut. Have they suddenly checked into a hotel? What happened to Xena having to get back to her planet before her parents find out she nicked their ship? EXPLAIN, MOVIE! EXPLAIN!!!

All right, so can I make out what’s happening through all the teal tint? After the necessary breast licking, which is definitely the way to go according to every softcore movie ever, we get a fair amount of oral sex. Fair play here: with the exception of Bedtime Stories, not a lot of soft porn attempts to show cunnilingus, but this one dwells on it for quite a while. We have to put up with Davis’ bum, but I’ll let that one go.

What’s less explainable, if one can see at all through the Oxford overlay, is that the scene then mixes to a standard softcore blowjob, with hair getting in the way. Fair enough that Xena may want to be giving a blowjob as she is still a virgin – I’m sure lots of people do, my first girlfriend certainly did – but, unless she is preternaturally talented, shouldn’t it be a little more awkward and experimental than this? Has she been practising on space dildos or something?

You were saying?

Oh yeah, the scene. Well, we do then get missionary penetrative sex through the azure ambience. It starts with a close-up (in which you can genuinely see the sweat on Davis’ back), pulls out to a full-body wide shot and then mixes back, a slow pan to facilitate arse-grabbing. Another mix throws us into doggy style (presumably; it’s very dark and very blue so it’s difficult to see), also shown through a few close-up shots, then sitting up, then riding…

…and we end with a kiss, which would be erotic if I could see the bloody thing!

JUMP CUT WHAT THE FUCK FULL COLOUR? My eyes already hurt enough! What is this, The Krypton Factor?

In any case, that’s the end of the scene. Eighteen more minutes of pissing about on the beach and then they leave Earth. Fantastic.

Why haven’t you made a Xena: Warrior Princess joke yet?

Because I’ve only ever seen one episode. Anyway, yes.

Have I been a bit critical here? Possibly. Full disclosure: all the other sex scenes in Beach Babes from Beyond are a little dark (and in some unspecified location), but this is the only one that’s the colour of my teenage bedroom. It’s a bit of a shame you can’t see much, because Xena is genuinely attractive and Dave is… well, he’s a generic ’90s idiot, but at least a believable ’90s idiot. I remember the ’90s, we all had hair like that.

There’s also a bit of a missed opportunity here. This could be a great scene and something I’d have an orgasm to if there was a better colour scheme to it. It’s got everything I like in it, and even if the music is over-familiar, at least it’s music that works. Neither Xena nor Dave has had any form of full nudity earlier, either, so it’s nice that they finally get to DO IT!

However, the loud music, the cerulean cinematography, and the fact that a jump cut takes us both into and out of the whole shebang does make it all seem a little incongruous. If they’re going to have sex, why not do it outside? California’s certainly warm enough. Why not on the beach, since that’s in the movie’s title? The balcony outside Bud’s hut? Hell, why not Xena’s ship? It’s just sitting there not doing anything!

But the one thing I can’t get past (and this genuinely is just me, but it’s my blog, so…) is how smooth the sex is! The sequel clearly states that this was Xena’s first time! My first time was a few minutes of clumsy cowgirl after it took me ages to get it up! How is she suddenly able to do everything, including three different sex positions, when all she had to get her going was thirty seconds of foreplay?

I call intergalactic bullshit!

It happens, occasionally. You’re investigating something, you find out what you’re looking for at the bottom of a page hidden down the back of the Internet, and then that leads you somewhere else, and suddenly you discover the entire oeuvre of an actor and director named Paul Thomas.

Nicknamed P.T., Thomas is married to Judy Epstein, and has produced such pieces of cinematic history as Live!!! Nude!!! Girls!!! (2010) and Orgy: The XXX Championship (2011). He’s also Saint Peter, according to Jesus Christ Superstar (1973).

So why he wasn’t credited for this after playing the first ever Pope is a bit of a mystery…

Appearance: Emanuelle, Perché violenza alle donne?, aka Confessions of Emanuelle, aka Emanuelle Around the World (1977)
Characters: Emanuelle & Ivory Vanlines Driver

It’s probably best to also repeat the same thing everyone known by now: this isn’t an official Emmanuelle film (of course it isn’t; there’s only one N in the character’s name). It’s part of the (Italian) Black Emanuelle series starring Laura Gemser (who isn’t black), and like many others in the series, it has a scary title (Why violence against women?) and very little plot to speak of.

I mean that this time. There’s little other than a few different vignettes in exotic locales. You could come in at any time. It could be a loop.

The setup’s quite good, though. Emanuelle fare-dodges her way around the world sleeping with various people. She manages to take in San Francisco, New York, India, Hong Kong, Italy, San Francisco again, and the Middle East, all while foiling people-trafficking, forced bestiality and a guru who makes false claims. Mostly without wearing much.

I suppose that explains the Around the World title and Why violence against women?. Where the Confessions bit comes in I’m not sure. Maybe she’s going to admit all her sins to a Catholic priest. I mean, Saint Peter is right there. Get onto it, P.T.

Right, so. In a teaser to the actual movie we are treated to a sex scene between hedonistic photojournalist Emanuelle (Gemser) and a nameless, uncredites and largely merit-free trucker (P.T.) in the back of his truck. She’s going to ‘Frisco, see, and apparently the best way to hitch a lift with someone is to shag him, so that’s what she does.

Genius.

The scene, and therefore the whole film, starts with feet. That shouldn’t be much of a surprise; to anyone who’s seen these things, it’s a Black Emanuelle film so you know what you’re in for. You’ll get a number of edited cuts of nudity put together to indicate sex with a repetitive piece of music overlaid. Any bare skin is a good way to start, so why not naked feet? It’s also quite fortunate that P.T.’s truck is used for long-hauling furniture, as there’s a convenient bed for them to use.

Of course, this is an example of LUCK! It’s so INCREDIBLY LUCKY that there’s a fully made bed in his truck!! What a LUCKY thing to happen!!!

Anyway, where was I? Yes. This is a Black Emanuelle film so you’re going to get a lot of quick cuts. There’s plenty of kissing, rubbing and nudity, and you see P.T.’s bum quite a lot, but I’m fairly certain that up until 01:03 there isn’t any actual sex going on. We certainly get some, in the end – nineteen seconds of missionary action with P.T. on top, Laura Gemser grabbing at his abundant behind and slow, but steady, movement.

There are even some occasional sound effects, but I’m fairly sure that’s just Laura Gemser breathing. You can’t hear any sex noises anyway, because the most abundant thing here is a bassist playing the same 14 notes over and over again (there was a synth at the beginning, but their budget ran out, or something), joined occasionally by a wind player. Maybe it’s Karolina.

Once the sex is over (I guess; there’s no real indication that it is), there’s a jump cut to P.T. and Emanuelle leaving the truck. They talk a bit, and then he gives her a lift to San Francisco, because of course he does.

So, it’s quite a brief sex scene, it’s poorly-lit, you don’t see much and the music is off-putting… the question remains, then, why does it make me come so hard?

It took me a while to puzzle this out, and I think the answer might be manyfold:

• There’s no indication throughout the scene that this is inside a truck. It could be a warehouse. You only see the truck afterwards when they are leaving it.
• Although the playful banter is awful, you can tell that both P.T. and Emanuelle enjoyed themselves…
• …and that Emanuelle does this sort of thing a lot. I can’t resist someone who so freely and shamelessly has sex with people just because she can.
• The bit where P.T. finds a toothbrush between her boobs (she’s travelling light, y’see?) genuinely made me laugh!

And, overall, it really isn’t a bad scene. The whole reason I’ve chosen this one, as opposed to any of those later in the film, is that I think it’s the best one! It’s very loose, it doesn’t do much, and it’s hardly necessary… but so what? P.T. was an actor needing work, they had a camera crew ready, and Laura Gemser is sort of “effortlessly sexy” (I can’t really define this, she just gives off a vibe).

Plus, Emanuelle is an openly sexual character. That’s central to her character… so why not open with her having sex?

Answers on a postcard…!

You want a swingers’ party
We’ll all chuck in our car keys
Maybe try bukkake
Now it’s always you, and me, and Dave…

You’ve never heard of Monique DeMoan, have you? Maybe you know her by her birth name, Cheyenne August Camarillo? No? How about Cheyenne, the name she’s credited by in Love Exchange?

I’m slightly more familiar with Eddie Jay, although mostly from things like cultural event of the century Hotel Erotica and that absolute cinematic masterpiece Personals 2: CasualSex.com. I couldn’t pick him out of a line-up, though. He’s skilfully also used a pseudonym here: the unidentifiable “Eddy Jay”. Wonderful.

What’s my point in life here? Well, said Claire, if you’ve been following this meme since I started it (or if you’re into soft porn yourself), you may well recognise some of the other names. Holly Sampson is a former Emmanuelle. Shannan Leigh is in a fair few things, including Virgins of Sherwood Forest, with David Usher, who’s also in The Exotic Time Machine 2, with Holly Sampson, who’s in Platinum Blonde, with Stella Porter and Tre Temptor, and Shannan Leigh.

Holly Sampson also once had sex with Tiger Woods. Just throwing that out there.

Appearance: Love Exchange, aka Romance Roulette (2001)
Characters: Lizelle & Ben

Judging by the above and how incestuous this all sounds, it makes complete sense that Love Exchange is all about swapping partners. Jackie (Sampson) and Ben (Jay) are a married couple who move into a new neighbourhood, where they are almost immediately propositioned by the very creepy Lorenzo (Ben Brown, aka Anthony Skordi, who’s now voicing Star Wars video games), who runs a regular “sexual card game” which inevitably results in everyone shagging everyone else.

Except for Helen (Leigh), who doesn’t get to do much, or Bill (Richard Neale), who also doesn’t do anything, or Josh (Usher), who gets about two seconds of sex at one point. Holly Sampson gets her kit off, but even then, most of her sex scenes are with Gloria (Taylor Moore, from pieces of high art like I Love Lesbians 11). In fact, Gloria may as well not wear any clothes, judging by the amount of time she spends enjoying half the cast.

Into this domestic order we throw a new variant: on the first night, Ben draws Lizelle, Lorenzo’s wife, who is more than happy to go into a darkened room with him and yes I can also see where this is going let’s just get on with it shall we

Grab your partner, now let’s swing

Lizelle (who’s very game, it seems) leads Ben to a room which she describes as

It’s so sensuous… so surreal, don’tcha think?

but evidently not sensuous enough, as she proceeds to light nine soft porn candles and a joss stick to add to the ambience. Then, of course, she starts disrobing. Ben, naturally, doesn’t say a word; he just sits there with an inane grin, then starts kissing her while the camera pans around to reveal another twelve candles (do they have shares?), then after a couple of mix shots, we end up with one of those hairy softcore blowjobs.

Moving fast, then. Surrender doesn’t usually do this; their sex scenes usually involve quite a lot of disrobing before getting down to the action. Mind you, this scene is exactly halfway through the film (it’s a genuine mid-point); we’ve seen a lot of sex already, so maybe they’re expecting us to be desensitised by this juncture. I’m not complaining.

The music ratchets up a notch at this point. I think I ought to mention this, as it’s very curious – with various zither-like string arrangements it has an Eastern flavour, but it’s underscored by conga drums and features an electric guitar. It’s hardly the new In The Steppes of Central Asia by Borodin, but it suits the slightly new-agey setting and is sexy enough.

Talking of sexy enough, look at Lizelle. She’s absolutely stunning. There’s a kind of sensuality to her in the way she moves her body and uses her facial expressions which plays off Ben’s generic “hooray, I’m getting laid!” look. She manages to carry herself through the inevitable brief-sucking-nipples bit, end even a slightly overlong rubbing-her-body sequence is sexy.

Sing, sing, sing (with a swing)

The actual sex starts with Lizelle on top, with her riding Ben, her hands on his knees for support (a nice touch) and the cameraman briefly passing out because the shot suddenly angles strangely before righting itself. It’s not hard sex, but there’s a certain type of energy to it, and certainly a rhythm. It isn’t slow, and then neither is the following scene, a mix to doggy style, again with a fair clip of speed, but not too much.

Lizelle even looks over her shoulder to hold Ben’s gaze while he’s at work with the backshots, also a nice touch, and at what is (presumably) the point of orgasm she even bites her lip, not something I’d imagine most softcore actresses would think of (although maybe this was the director’s choice? I don’t know.). It’s all very pacey, very sensual, and nice to look at.

For a movie with so many scenes, why did I pick this one? Because it’s the one I keep coming back to. Love Exchange is a relatively new discovery for me and it’s practically packed with sex – there was plenty for me in the pic’n’mix. This one stands out because:

• the setting is pretty
• the music is pretty
• the cinematography is pretty
• Monique DeMoan is incredibly pretty
• Eddie Jay is… all right, actually

Swing and a miss

That isn’t to say that all the other scenes in Love Exchange are lacklustre. Most of them are good for a wank, or at least worth a watch. In fact, if you’re going to seek this out I would recommend you watch the entire thing from beginning to end, as it all makes a lot more sense that way. It gives the Surrender cast a chance to act, a rare occurrence. There’s clearly been a lot of thought put into the plot. Even some of the characters are fairly rounded, which adds a bit of weight to the “who are these people and why are they having sex?” background, which I need.

And, of course, now I’m going to go and seek out more things with Monique DeMoan in.

You know, for research.

As a meme writer, I will admit to being lazy. Long posts are one thing, but in choosing scenes for this here porn meme I have developed a tendency towards gravitating towards scenes I know, or at least scenes I think I do from my youth but have since rediscovered. I am aware that there are probably hundreds, if not thousands, of sex scenes I haven’t (yet) seen… but I am more comfortable, if not secure, talking about something I know.

I mean, that was the initial aim of the meme when I started it, right? Do only scenes I like to prove the worth of softcore because I like it so much? (I will admit that only lasted a couple of weeks, of course; I had to give a negative review at some point…!)

But then, as I said, there are scenes I have yet to see. One of these, sent to me by reader and correspondent S.A., was nothing if not completely unfamiliar.

Appearance: Hot Line, Series 2: “Where Were We?” (1996)
Characters: Stefanie & Allen

There’s probably a reason for this. I have, in fact, mentioned Hot Line once before, but only once. It’s a series that kind of slipped under my radar, having been broadcast on UK TV (I suspect Living, or maybe ITV?) sporadically, but not really having the staying power of Compromising Situations or Passion Cove, which were shown in full on L!VE and Living respectively.

It is, effectively, nothing I haven’t seen before – another American drama series with sex scenes – but, as I genuinely haven’t seen a lot of it, I have very little idea. What I do know is the set-up: callers to a titular “Hot Line” tell the host Rebecca (initially erotic thriller queen Shannon Tweed; later former Bond girl Tanya Roberts) about their sexual escapades. Rebecca broadcasts them.

This “one person lynchpin” thing appear to happen a lot. The main character in Red Shoe Diaries gets letters. The lady in Passion Cove owns a resort. The slightly older woman in Bedtime Stories has a… brothel, maybe? Something to do with sex, anyway. Hot Line is a phone-in show. Go figure.

Anyway, right, the scene I was meant to be talking about…

This is a second-series episode written by a curious team of someone who worked on Supernatural and somebody who worked on Biker Mice from Mars. The story itself is fairly threadbare but sustainable enough for a thirty-minute episode. Married couple Stefanie (Bari Buckner, who hasn’t done much but went on to play the imaginatively-named “Screaming Woman” in the second Jurassic Park movie) and Allen (Mark Porro, who has had a more varied career including Love Street, Babylon 5 and Days Of Our Lives, which made my wife giggle!) are trying for a baby, but end up continuously getting…

…interrupted? I suppose that’s the most accurate word? They’re not going to have a baby like this, anyway.

By which I mean Stefanie says “hmm” a couple of times. Not the sexy moan hmm, but more like she is having a try at a tricky Sudoku and isn’t quite sure about it. We also get some bog-standard softcore between-the-breasts kissing and a highly staged tumble onto some bedsheets that may or may not have been there until this point. I’m not entirely sure it matters.

For all the posturing there has been so far, you can kind of stretch to believing these two are genuinely into each other. Fair enough, it’s just kisses and clothes for the first 45 seconds, but it’s done with enough enthusiasm to point towards them being keen to DO IT, as well as familiarity to indicate the fact that they are a couple. It’s also relatively immediate, indicating some degree of spontaneity.

Stefanie flashes a cute little smile a fair few times while Allen does… something to her, I don’t know, it’s kind of ambiguous… and then at about 01:03 we get some actual sex, first with Allen on top and that very familiar “bum between legs – zOMG SeXuaL iNTeRCouRSe!” shot. A few mixes later and it’s Stefanie in the driving seat, riding Allen with a new more overlaid “hmm”s and a very well-decorated flat in the background.

It kind of continues in that vein for a while, except for Stefanie saying “oh!” in a voice reminiscent of a dowager duchess in a British historical drama series, which made me laugh. What is, I’m supposing, the orgasm scene comes immediately after this, but considering just how it’s more Sounds™, it’s hardly the most explosive.

And then there’s a fade to black because of course there is.

So what do I think of this new-to-me scene? Well, it’s nothing special, and it also have a brief runtime of 02:31. I don’t think it will be making The General Rotation. However, having said that, it’s not bad. I can’t get past Allen’s hair, but Bari Buckner has a nice, natural-looking body and the motions between them – during the buildup and the sex – are both natural and energetic enough to cement the fact that they are a couple who still have the spark.

Why they want to bring a baby into this domestic order, I’ve no idea.

The music even matches the thing. It doesn’t quite sync, but it’s inoffensive instrumental rock with what I’m assuming is meant to be a saxophone at points. It works with the energy of the scene, and it’s not too drippy or soft like other short-form series often have in their scenes. Whether this is a Hot Line thing or not I have no idea. It’s good, anyway.

There are a few unanswered questions, of course. Why are they having sex on the floor since there’s a sofa right there? Where did they find lightbulbs that give very bright white illumination? How is there a matchstick model of the London Eye on the table behind them when it hadn’t even been built yet? What’s in the lone coffee cup? Is Stefanie actually part of the landed gentry? Who did that to Mark Porro’s hair and how much would it cost to hire the hitman?

Why are neither of them wearing a wedding ring when they are married? Are they very up-to-date and advanced people?

All the important questions. But then I’m sure radio host Rebecca covered them. I haven’t seen the episode, but that’s totally my headcanon.

Sometimes something just… appears to me. Usually in a moment of quiet. I’ll be happily doing nothing, but then I’m blindsided by a thought that gets pulled out of my mental Rolodex seemingly at random. Sometimes it’s pleasant; often it’s not. And occasionally it has special deep significance.

Which makes it curious, then, that I don’t think more about Platinum Blonde. I’ve certainly mentioned it a couple of times before. Look at the cast list and you’ll get a veritable Who’s Who of early-noughties softcore: Holly Sampson, Shannan Leigh, Micah Bradshaw, Susan Hale, Timothy Stempien, Mia Zottoli, Shauna O’Brien, Stella Porter, Tre Temptor… and it’s even directed by Cybil Richards, who did most of them. You’d think I’d love it.

And then there’s Susan Hale, whose real name is Darby Daniels (except I’ve never actually heard her being called that). I certainly like her. I even recognise John St. James from Emmanuelle 2000. All that. and I like softcore and I like sex and I like plot, and it’s a wonder that I haven’t even thought of doing this one for this here meme.

And yet I haven’t. Until now, I suppose. Why is this? Well…

Appearance: Platinum Blonde (2001)
Characters: Janice & Hank

In case you’re not familiar with the plot of Platinum Blonde, don’t worry: it’s not too difficult to grasp. Angela (Sampson) is an angel – the titular platinum blonde -whose task is to watch people having difficulties with their love lives, get them to have sex and then watch that… or, in other words, she’s a professional voyeur. Her charges are all unlucky in love, and/or sexually starved, and she intervenes, does something very simple and watches the resulting shag, then leaves.

That’s it; that’s the entire plot. The piecemeal nature of the flick – since it contains multiple different vignettes, each one a different story – makes it perfect bite-sized viewing. You could come in at any point and it would still make sense. It could be a loop. In fact, given the nature of the setup, it could have been a series.

Anyway, Hank is having an affair.

I’ve never really seen the appeal of St. James. I mean, yes, he has a lot of sex in Emmanuelle 2000 including some with Emmanuelle herself, but why? His characters never really seem to have any redeeming qualities whatsoever and he’s not even conventionally attractive. Here he is playing an especially unfavourable character – a serial cheater on his other half, who somehow manages to have sex with the genuinely attractive Janice (Hale) and she… enjoys it? What is this, Bizarro World?

Andi Peters and Edd the Duck

I suppose what’s really different about this is that it takes place in a broom cupboard (or possibly a walk-in wardrobe). I do suppose that’s easy to film, given that you can put a couple of clothes racks in front of a sheet of white MDF and, bang, it’s a set. We also sort of start in medias res, as well, by which I mean they haven’t taken any clothes off yet, but they’re certainly about to.

Except they kind of don’t. They dance around the issue a few times before actually doing anything. Janice is more interested in kissing Hank’s stomach and he’s more interested in making weird faces. About a minute in and we finally do get to see a bit of skin.

This wouldn’t be such an issue if it wasn’t at odds with the storyline. They are having an affair. They are meeting in a broom cupboard. You would think this would be quick and dirty sex, like, drop trousers, hitch up skirt and go at it. That would be more realistic, and more urgent making it maybe a little hotter. Here, they’re just pissing about before actually having any sex. What, do they want to get caught or something?

In any case, Janice is naked first before Hank gives her some incredibly unbelievable oral sex, before she magically grows her top back, pulls his baggy Y-fronts down and gives him some more unbelievable oral sex during which he makes a face which makes him look like Ernie from Sesame Street. They then go back to kissing and…oh, is this sex? I’m not sure.

is it can be seks time nau plz?

So, at this point – two minutes into the scene and less than one before it finishes – they finally get around to having sex…

…or, at least, that what I think they’re meant to be doing. The entire thing is standing up (incidentally, Susan Hale’s character in Virgins of Sherwood Forest also has sex standing up, so maybe it’s a thing). Some of it is standing scissors, some standing doggie (or maybe it’s rear entry. No, that’d be too hardcore-y). It is fairly standard (or it would be were they not standing in Harry Potter’s childhood home), but they’re actually doing the seks and Susan Hale is pretty and she has great hair and it is overall fairly entertaining.

I could get used to this.

Except it then sort of finishes. It peters out a bit – they break apart, have another kiss, and then there’s a fade to black (a real one, not a scene transition). It just seems like it’s… well, it’s time to finish, I suppose. There’s no particularly discernible point of orgasm or interruption by anything or anyone. It just ends.

Because of course it does.

This is the voice of the Mysterons

I could look at this scene for what it is and enjoy it. It doesn’t quite deliver on every level, but it’s quick and there’s sex and it has Susan Hale in it and at least it’s original in its own way. You know, I could get behind that. Put this in the general rotation and I’m sure I could come to it. I’ve probably done so at least once.

However, what I’m not okay with – and this is a big thing – is whatever the fuck is going on in the background. The scene is overlaid by a loud, intrusive synthesized piece of electro-rock, which would also be okay were it not for the fact they appear to have decided to add vocals.

And so, during the sexiest bits of the scene, we get thrown back to reality unexpectedly by a very deep voice making noises through a vocoder. There don’t even appear to be any actual words. It’s just random utterances with the distortion jacked up to “fuckin’ intense”.

She’s probably a bottle blonde, actually

Which is maybe the reason that I’m not always raving about Platinum Blonde. It has a tendency to promise more than it delivers, although maybe that’s not fair. There are some great sex scenes in it. There are offerings with Mia Zottoli and Shannan Leigh which genuinely work. This one doesn’t, because of the confused setting, the puppetry on St. James’ face and the genuinely threatening alien transmission.

And the worst thing is that there is absolutely no chemistry between those two characters. They’re meant to be lovers, but they appear to be in no way interested in each other. Hank could just as well be having sex with a hatstand.

Do yourself a favour, if you will, and don’t go looking for this scene. See the whole thing instead. This one isn’t really representative of the movie in general – as you may recall, with the number of names in this ensemble cast. It offers more and delivers, just not here.

That, and Susan Hale deserves better. If only to see those nipple hoops again.

I’ve got a long memory. Not for everything, of course, and it’s misled me a few times, but I do have an ability to recall, if not entire conversations, at least the key facts. This, of course, is quite useful when one of your main activities involves soft porn, and (of course) the majority of entries to this here meme come from that memory.

This, of course, works the other way: there are things which I think I know, but can’t quite recall enough to actually find them. I remember a sex comedy, possibly in a foreign language, set in a country house with a major-general and a butler named Albert… clips from it were used on L!VE’s Exotica Erotica wraparound… but as for quite what it’s called…!

And then there’s the third option. Something I remember which seemingly can’t be found. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never quite find Blonde, Busty, & Keane. This one, however, was findable. It took me hours to do so, and there’s been no commercial release, but find it I did. For that reason, and that reason alone…

Appearance: Love Street, Series 2: “Grading on a Curve” (1995)
Characters: Lloyd & Amelia

I have vague memories of Cinema Products Video’s short-form erotic series Love Street, although I had no memories whatsoever of the incredibly slutty opening theme played over a montage of whatever they had to hand (having just watched it for the first time since I was a teenager, now I can’t get it out of my head!). Nor do I remember any of the other episodes. This one, however, both had an indelible effect on me and formed the basis for many of my masturbatory fantasies through the years.

Zounds, I’m a pervert.

The main character in this one is tennis pro Lloyd Lupton, played by Timothy Di Pri, who you may remember from playing the professor in Justine and both Theo-204 and Theo-205 in Emmanuelle. The episode itself, however, makes a huge deal out of the deuteragonist, Amelia Stratford (to the point of having her naked in a bath under the opening credits). Lloyd is taking his wife Elizabeth (Elis Imboden) to one of those student reunion things Americans do, unaware of the fact that he’s about to bump into Amelia, the maths teacher he used to sleep with.

We then get a flashback in which Lloyd (Di Pri again, playing one of those thirty-something teens you get in US high school programmes) is a student who is incredibly gifted at tennis, flirting and sex. There is (and this is the bit I remember) a montage near the start of Lloyd laying a number of women (including, but not limited to, Dee Steele, Shawnana and Russel St. Clair), mostly on a sofa in his living room. He is, however, disliked by all his teachers, especially Mrs Stratford, whom he charitably describes as “tight-ass”.

How charming. I can see why he gets all the girls.

There follows a questionable set-up with questionable acting, in which Lloyd offers Amelia some tennis lessons in exchange for a bit of private maths tuition. You can probably tell where this is going, but she actually does tutor him maths, and they don’t start having sex until they both foolishly play tennis in the rain for some reason, and then take off their clothes.

Because of course.

The scene that follows is, effectively, another montage of Lloyd and Millie getting to know each other sexually in a number of improbable places: on the tennis court in the rain; in the shower immediately afterwards; on Millie’s bed during which they have some awful teacher/student banter – you know the type, grades are mentioned and such; on a dinner table Lloyd has been setting; by a fireside… somewhere; in class because of course; on Lloyd’s sex sofa. As he puts it himself in voiceover:

It was crazy. We started making love every chance we got. And every place we could think of. Yup, even on the ol’ couch. What?

Lloyd

Why, when there are more complete sex scenes later in the very same episode, did I pick this one, of all things? The dialogue isn’t great (even if Lloyd’s improvised “oh shit!” makes me laugh), the main actor isn’t particularly attractive – and his character is a dick – and there are some glaring continuity errors. Where are Lloyd’s parents? Where is Millie’s husband? Wouldn’t somebody notice they were spending 100% of their time together? Isn’t having sex in a classroom in the daytime risky?

Why sleep with Lloyd, when Millie is both ten times sexier and not a philandering dickbag?

All the important questions.

Well, I like this scene because of the piecemeal nature of it. I’m not always a fan of this, as it can break a sex scene, but there’s enough waiting before a setting transition to give you enough sex to get a sense of and the scale of their affair. Bits where Millie (who appears to be in control most of the time) rips her shirt open and the animalistic, messy nature of their shags point to the fact that there is a lot of desperacy in their liaisons.

Kendra Tucker is a delight, too. As Millie, she cheerily laughs, smiles and moans her way through this, clearly enjoying herself both as a bored teacher getting some loving and an actress getting a paycheque. She’s almost believable, too, as a character: implausible though this whole thing is, her acting is sound and she’s very much trying. She’s pretty too, of course.

The entire montage is overlaid with a strange, but unobtrusive, music track consisting mostly of a drum loop with occasional synths and bass guitar. I can’t quite get over the fact that the “James Bond chord” is used fairly early on, but I suppose I can overlook that. They use grand piano music in a later scene, so maybe they spent all their budget on that.

I’m aware that this all sounds very silly. It also seems that there is something about to go wrong – and there is, of course there is. It continues to be silly for the rest of the episode, and the whole thing ending with a wet tennis ball falling on the ground really sums up the lengths to which they will go to stretch a theme. Whereas teacher/student liaison tends to be a staple of porn, and it’s an easy enough thing to set up too, this handles it in a bizarre way.

It’s sexy in its own way, and I suppose I did go to immense lengths to find and review it, but I wouldn’t call it brilliant. Just passable, fun, completely unbelievable and good for an orgasm.

That’s all I want, really.

It takes all sorts to make a meme. With the bigger, more prolific ones, the level of community engagement is often somewhere between good and stratospheric. Quick and easy content though they may provide, I always enjoy contributing myself, and they certainly helped me through the past couple of years, which were difficult in so many ways.

My own meme, on the other hand, has decelerated to the point where I genuinely thought, at one point, that it would come to a complete stop. Scrabbling through the digital ether to bring it back today, I chanced upon a scene I’ve never seen before, as recommended by helpful reader SA. With acknowledgement to him, then, let’s dive into…

Appearance: The Corporate Ladder (1997)
Characters: Nicole Landon & Matt Taylor

I haven’t actually seen The Corporate Ladder, but both the trailer and synopsis feel familiar. Maybe I actually have seen it and forgotten… or maybe it’s just yet another business-themed thriller that’s exactly like everything else. This was, however, made by Playboy, so it’s a fair assumption that there will be some amount of nudity at some point.

Ah, there’s an affair. I see.

Kathleen Kinmont plays Nicole, the ambitious young assistant to rich advertising executive Matt (Tony Denison, using his full name for this, as opposed to using ‘Tony’ for his more recent work and his one appearance in Charmed). She is helping his career while also helping herself to a bit of Matt. He’s married, of course, with a baby on the way, but The Corporate Ladder is a Playboy movie, so we all know where this is going to end up.

There’s some stuff about murder as well, and insofar as I can tell, someone does actually fall off a ladder at some point. So it has that going for it.

This is a sex scene between Nicole and Matt (their first) and the most obvious thing I’m getting from it is how loud it is. Their lusty moans and hesitant dialogue such as

We’re not doing anything. You’re doing it.

Nicole, who hasn’t quite got a grasp of what pronouns mean

are done at such a volume that I had to turn it down on my VLC player and rewatch the first thirty seconds at 50%. Even then, the sound effects are very prominent – there isn’t any music either, which makes them more so.

This isn’t to say that Kinmont and Denison can’t act, because they can. In fact, the first 40 seconds are a very good example of how to do a seduction scene (even if it does move quite quickly). Nicole is undressing Tony from behind; his resistance is token, and her manipulation of his hand (the “you’re doing it”) to his own crotch is a nice touch. At 00:42 exactly, however, there is a jump cut to something completely different.

Because suddenly there is music. And suddenly there is Nicole doing a kind of awkward striptease in front of what looks like a collage of Year 6 work on a classroom wall. Eventually she gets around to taking the rest of Matt’s clothes off, of course, but quite a lot of time is devoted to showing Nicole in her undergarments (white bra; white knickers; white stockings), because… well, because Playboy, I guess.

There is, of course, the classic “we’re having an affair so let’s do it on a table” trope in play here, and it’s during the lead-in to this we finally get a shot of Nicole’s breasts. I mention this because she appears to take her bra off no less than three times between 01:19 and 01:27 (maybe it’s the same shot from different angles. No, that’d be too “director-y.”). But she’s an attractive woman, so that’s nice to see.

At this point there was a bit of movement on her part so I did have to wonder if they were supposed to be having sex by now, but no; the next shot (which I think I may have seen on a planking website) clearly shows that Matt still has his pants on. There’s certainly a lot of kissing going on, and what might be loosely termed frottage, but no actual sex happens until…

…actually, I can’t tell.

What happens next is a serious of jump cuts between 1.5 shots of various… things happening. Some of them are sex; some are just undressing and some are random mucking about. There’s no actual sequence to it, and that’s clearly deliberate. The final 24 seconds do, to their credit, show continuous sex in one position, so if that’s what you’re looking for, it’s in here somewhere!

For all I’ve said here, this isn’t a terrible scene. It’s short, and one couldn’t really call it a traditional sex scene. The setting (his office) is a little drab, and the music is uninspired – it doesn’t really lend itself to the old grey whistle test. I’m also not overly fond of Denison’s performance as Matt (he looks a bit gormless), but then again, he isn’t really given much to do here. The focus is on Kinmont as Nicole.

But it is shot well, and the seduction bit at the start is steamy, and the end bit is all right for what it is. Nicole also has this seemingly permanent grin, which I suppose serves its purpose. In the context of the rest of the The Corporate Ladder, I suppose this sort of scene is almost a necessity in establishing what’s going on here.

It’s not an all-time great, for sure. But it will do.

Q: What is Twilight Entertainment?
A: Surrender Cinema.
Q: What is Surrender Cinema?
A: Full Moon Features.
Q: What is Full Moon Features?
A: Charles Band’s company.
Q: Knowing this, is Charles Band then indirectly responsible for many of your orgasms?
A: …
Q: …
A: I feel so dirty!

Appearance: Phantom Love (2000)
Characters: Judith & Chauncie*

[*Pronounced “Chancey” /tʃɑ:nsi:/. I originally had this in my head as “Chauncey”; if you’ve played the first Luigi’s Mansion you may understand why.]

The Plot

To start with, Phantom Love is a little misleading insofar as there aren’t any phantoms. It’s one of Surrender’s later offerings (earlier ones are labelled “Torchlight Entertainment” with a logo that looks like the Pixar lamp moonlighting), and although it has some familiar faces, I can’t in all honesty say I’m overly familiar with too many of them.

I know a couple. The frame narrative of this is fairly simple: Marie (Sandy Wasko, who I mainly know from Emmanuelle 2000 and Passion Cove, although apparently she’s also in Beverley Hills 90210…) is a struggling romance writer trying to think of a new angle. On the advice of her agent (David Christensen, who I do know… he’s the dean in Co-Ed Confidential!), she does the sensible thing of going all the way to Italy, checking into a hotel she arrives at by accident, and accepting a centuries-old journal from the creepy woman in charge, which she then reads and orgasms to.

The actual story is in the journal. Judith (Griffin Drew, who’s in Elke and Andromina: The Pleasure Planet but also appears in Baywatch!) is the last surviving heir of a rich Italian family, but she’s been studying in America for a while. (Quite why she’s doing a British accent isn’t really explained. It’s also not really explained why this isn’t in Italian.) Her wicked stepmother nasty aunt archetype wants her to marry the local vapid Baron, but Judith is a free spirit and prefers to go her own way.

Do I need to tell you that she then has sex with a number of different men, including the Baron, before inexplicably hitting on a plan to save the whole estate? Or had you worked that bit out? Yeah, you worked it out. I see you, gentle reader.

The Characters

Judith is a British-sounding Italian lady raised in the good ol’ US of A, which didn’t actually exist in the early 18th century so I have all sorts of questions. She’s been told to save the estate, so obviously isn’t going to do that.

Chauncie (Jesse Johnson) is a gardener. He’s working-class, and isn’t even able to afford a comedy accent, but presumably he has a big cock. In any case, Judith has sex with him basically because she can. I mean, there’s the rest of the movie too, but most of the budget presumably went on this.

Sex? What Sex?

What I didn’t realise, when I started watching Phantom Love, is that (like Femalien: Cosmic Crush, which was admittedly a decade later!) there’s very little sex in this sex film. There are sex scenes – of course there are, this is Surrender – but they’re not the longest or the most arousing. In 2000 Surrender was making things like Lolida 2000, Pleasurecraft and Virgins of Sherwood Forest, so maybe this was made on an off-day or something.

The reason I chose this scene with Judith and Chauncie was that it was basically a surprise. I was so used to the frame narrative that I wasn’t entirely sure if Griffin Drew was going to get her kit off at all. There’s a lesbian sex scene featuring her before this, but this is her first straight sex scene. It doesn’t have much preamble, either. He’s there, she kisses him, then they shag.

Efficient.

The first thing you notice is the music, which I suppose is going for the ‘aristocrat has sex’ thing, but is actually code for ‘keyboard player found the harpsichord voice’. There’s a repeated line (possibly a loop?) underlying an increasing number of string parts (maybe it’s a real string quartet. Nope, that would be a bit too BBC.) and the occasional roll on a ride cymbal. Drums playing a breakbeat come in halfway through and basically made me feel like I should be fighting a video game boss to this. It’s all very odd, and very loud, but I can’t deny that it is unique.

There may be limited amounts of sex, but there’s certainly a lot of kissing. For the first 70 seconds of this, Judith and Chauncie do very little but snog. Every now and again you will get a shot of his hands undoing her corset from the back, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. In real life, of course, I’m perfectly happy to kiss for more than a minute, but this is softcore – so get on with it!

Anyway, after a minute and a bit, we are rewarded with Griffin Drew’s boobs, which Jesse goes on to kiss a few times, her legs which he also kisses, and his penis.

That is to say that you can see Jesse’s penis if you slow down the playback and hit the pause button at exactly the right time. I’m not exactly emasculated by this, but it took me a while, so here’s the screenshot.

We get a standard softcore cunnilingus scene with Chauncie consisting mostly of hair and Judith making a face (which actually goes on for a while; Judith appears to have an orgasm at one point!), until eventually, at 02:04 into the scene, we mix to what is unmistakably, genuinely sex.

Huzzah, actual simulated sex!

Something else I need to point out is that most of the sex in Phantom Love happens in the astride position, and this is no exception. We get Judith demurely riding Chauncie, although it’s mostly just her hair and back at first; there are also some nice shots of her face, boobs and even her bum at points.

That’s it, then it’s all over. It all finishes relatively quickly, and even then, most of it is filmed in close-up so all we really get is their faces. Judith finishes with

I’m going to see about getting you a raise!

judith

which is… I don’t know? Is that funny? Is it meant to be? Polite blinking from me there.

Conclusion & Evaluation

Phantom Love is a strange beast. It promises at points to be something that it isn’t, and in any case there aren’t any phantoms so it’s very much a misnomer. I wasn’t even aware of its existence until last week, and the main plot did keep me interested (to an extent), so I enjoyed it for what it is.

But then the sex scenes are all like this. Sex happens but it’s over very quickly, characters do get naked but that takes a while, and it does feel like more effort went into the music than the cinematography. There are several, all on a similar theme, and one does have to wonder why. Surrender sex scenes are longer than this. They’re better than this.

My guess – and it has to be a guess at this point – is that the studio suddenly realised that they had a fairly competent story in there somewhere. The frame narrative doesn’t do anything, but it bulks up the time a bit, and the main bit with Judith in her family’s estate actually had me hooked. I was wondering how it was going to end at some points, and considering how some Surrender films don’t have an ending, the fact that they got one in there was impressive in itself.

So watch this one if you want. But don’t expect too much from the sex. And beware! Beware the phaaaaantoms!

Wherever they’re meant to be,