Innocent Loverboy

It’s not often done particularly well, but when it is, there’s a lot to be said for the erotic thriller genre. It certainly filled up Channel 5’s Friday evening slot, at the very least… and it kept a fair few studios afloat. I’d struggle to think of anyone who would watch one of these for the thriller elements, but when you think about the stars – ladies like Lisa Boyle, Shannon Whirry, Kim Dawson and Shannon Tweed – it’s difficult not to love the attempts to shoehorn in a plot.

Having said that, I haven’t seen Allyson Is Watching since the noughties, so let’s refresh my memory. Allyson (Hammon) goes to LA to take acting classes; okay, I remember that bit. I also sort of remember Horan’s character, arrogant drama teacher John Eric Constantine, and Caroline “every episode of Passion Cove” Ambrose as beautiful sex worker Bridget.

I fail, however, to remember much else, so evidently the voyeurism, masturbation, coercive control, rape, missing person and murder subplots either completely passed me by – or they have faded from memory. More likely, however, I probably just got an erection and then went to do something else. I did that a lot.

Appearance: Allyson Is Watching (1997)
Characters: Allyson Roper & John Eric Constantine

This scene takes place between innocent Allyson and the aforementioned Constantine, as opposed to her drippy boyfriend Peter or any of the other creepy men in this thing. It starts with James Horan doing his best low, gravelly Barry White impression to deliver lines like

I want you very much.
That’s all you need to know.
And I think…
I think…

before they kiss. Because of course they kiss. It’s probably just Allyson going mad with desire after all this scintillating dialogue. To Constantine’s credit, and in a hat tip to the advocates of consent everywhere, he does break the kiss to check if this is okay. Allyson asserting that it is “very much okay” does two things: clearly state her feelings, and give the keyboard player a cue because they start the music at this point.

I’m in a band in which most musicians start playing on a “best guess” principle. This is pinpoint accuracy with a speed which is honestly a little scary.

Anyway, the keyboard player does a few things which sounds like they are practising their scales while they have a go at another kiss before Constantine disrobes at something approaching the speed of sound, Allyson starts kissing down his semi-hairy, semi-barren chest, and a drummer appears out of nowhere, so by the time Allyson is in her underwear, we are accompanied by something existing in the territory between late-night Ceefax music and the opening theme to any syndicated TV programme set on a beach.

Decisions were made.

There follows a montage of Allyson and Constantine just sort of touching each other. I mean, I like touch but – in all honesty – they look a little confused, like they’re not sure which bits to touch. There is, of course, a perfectly nice sofa on which to have sex, but it takes a minute and a half for anyone to sit on it (Constantine; Allyson then kind of semi-mounts him and then her bra comes off). Considering how quickly this escalated, it’s taking them a while, innit?

We then get a shot of Jennifer “Star Trek: Yoyager” Hammon’s boobs, which are pleasantly normal-sized as opposed to the enhanced spheres of enlightenment we got on other female stars of the time. It’s only a brief shot, though, because Constantine does a sort of kamikaze dive into them – seriously, it’s completely reckless, he’ll bruise her sternum. He starts licking, anyway.

I’m not quite sure who did the interior design, but there’s a fridge in the corner of the room, which may be handy for getting the snacks afterwards.

Where was I? Oh yes. At 02:12 there’s an attempt at a soft porn blowjob, with the necessary application of too much hair and some very odd looks on Constantine’ face – I guess he’s meant to be enjoying it, but who can tell? Allyson takes this moment to do a series of really creepy grins. At 02:50 she finally gets around to taking her pants off, then he does, and then they start fuckin’.

The sex is just about what you think it’s going to be – it couldn’t be anything else. We get continuous mixes of Allyson riding Constantine, with a sort of “let’s do whatever” with the camera approach (close-ups, pans, roundabout shots, shots designed to enhance Jennifer Hammon’s bum, that sort of thing). It doesn’t really deviate from this formula; apart from Allyson getting faster and something that might be an orgasm…

…might be, it’s difficult to tell; it’s an ending, in any case…

…there isn’t really any variation. There wouldn’t be time to do so, anyway, with fifty-nine seconds of sex (that’s my new band name); I’m just finding it a bit of a stretch to believe either of them are reaching ecstasy through a minute of mediocre bouncing. Channel some of that urgency from the beginning of the scene and use that, maybe? It would work better!

What I haven’t mentioned is that the whole thing is overlaid by the (very) sporadic sex noises (which are very quiet in the audio mix), occasional giggling from Allyson (or Jennifer, possibly!), and someone going increasingly ham on the keyboard. It’s so insistent in the last twenty seconds that I’m wondering if the keyboardist got bored and started trying to fill space!

Allyson ends the whole thing with a laugh. Good to see you’re taking the whole thing in good humour, Allyson.

And that’s the scene.

As I said in the introduction, and I say this in the full knowledge that very few people will have read down this far, it has been decades since the first and only time I saw Allyson Is Watching, and this is the first time I’ve revisited it since. I was bored by this scene, and while that isn’t really the movie’s fault – the direction and camera work is fine, the music is hilarious, both Hammon and Horan are trying their best, and there’s even been some effort put into the décor! – it is, essentially, a had-to-be-there one.

What do I mean by that? Well, in some cases, there are sex scenes that happen as a necessity to advance the plot (and I’m all for that; there’s a limit to the number of times characters have sex simple because they can!), and this is one of them. I know it’s about Allyson and Constantine working out their sexual tension or whatever, but it’s very much by-the-numbers for a sex scene, the pacing is odd, I found my mind wandering…

…and this didn’t arouse me one iota!

Do people really want to have sex with men just because they have a larger-than-average penis? It seems like a fairly suspicious trope to hang an entire plot on. It’s also probably not very realistic; I’ve got an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS and I went through an incredibly long period of nobody wanting to have sex with me.

I find it a more realistic assumption that women may want to have sex with Ron Jeremy because he’s Ron Jeremy. He’s big, he’s famous, he’s funny, he’s more talented than you think he is, and he does a rap in Emmanuelle in Wonderland, but we’ll ignore that.

The fact that he’s on this playing himself is also an incredibly Ron Jeremy thing to do. Massive dick or not – this is the ultimate self-insert fanfiction in televisual form, matched perhaps only by Nicolas Cage in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

Appearance: Black Tie Nights, Series 1: “The Legend” (2004)
Characters: Sandy & Ron Jeremy

I had to look Black Tie Nights up as I’m not over-familiar with the concept, but from memory: it’s an anthology series with the link being a dating agency, the eponymous Black Tie Nights, run by Cooper Snow and Olivia Hartley (Tiffany Hendra and Amy Lindsay respectively). The stories revolve around the people who hire their services – a bit like Bedtime Stories, although this one doesn’t have Kim Dawson as Belle continually getting her kit off. As much as I enjoy those bits, you understand.

In this episode we get Ron “Ron Jeremy” Jeremy, bored with women sleeping with him because he has a huge dong, asking the agency to find him someone with whom he can find a genuine connection – he wants brains as well as beauty – and a personality to match. (If only he could manage that without having sex he’d be a perfect candidate for Too Hot To Handle.)

Sucks to be him, then, as everyone still appears to be interested in his dingaling. This scene even begins with Sandy (Danielle “Kennedy Johnston” Petty, who in keeping with the script should be playing someone called Kennedy Johnston, but isn’t) feeling it. Ron, of course, is classically erudite:

I don’t want to sound crude or anything, but most women cringe a little when they put their hands on it.

Ron “Ron Jeremy” Jeremy as Ron Jeremy

There’s some more dialogue after this, which I won’t repost here as it contains preconceived notions about both Mediterraneans and mathematicians, but it’s all delivered believably enough, and I am somewhat entranced by the way Petty’s nose moves as she’s talking. She’s certainly very pretty, but it’s the nose I’m really interested in.

No, I can’t explain that any further. Let’s press on.

The actual “sex scene” bit of this sex scene starts at 00:30 of the slip I’ve got, but it moves along fairly swiftly. There’s a kiss, disrobing, and oral sex by 00:52. All very efficient.

I’ve never seen Ron Jeremy do softcore before and I do have to say he’s not too bad at it, although for the majority of this he doesn’t do much apart from remain between Sandy’s thighs, and the camera remains trained on Petty, who has a lot more to do: moan, flail, kick, and play the piano backwards.

Oh yes, I should have mentioned this earlier: Ron is eating Sandy out on a piano. Part of her rôle here is to play random jarring notes with her flailing hands, which both add to and distract from the actual scene music (a generic thing with a drum beat and piano chords, nothing special, but it’s not meant to be). Danielle Petty herself is also being musical in her own way, and by 01:58 Sandy appears to be having an orgasm, which would usually be the end of a scene.

“CLANG,” says the piano as entwined hands herald the start of a doggy style scene done in a curious way reminiscent of the Zoom call I was on the other night. It does eventually switch to a full-screen shot in which they mostly appear to be doing it standing up, accompanied by a muffled “whuh” from Ron which made me chuckle. More vocalisations from Sandy, a bit of thrusting from Ron and continued dischordant piano banging are the order of the day for the remainder of the scene, and the whole thing ends with another presumably screaming orgasm (she certainly is screaming).

While she comes down Ron plays a little six-note melody on the piano, which I suppose is one way to finish.

So what do I think about this scene? Well, I certainly like Danielle Petty as Sandy. She’s attractive, flexible, gung-ho, and, upon my life, is this woman loud. Whether or not the script called for it or the actress herself decided to scream like a banshee I’m not sure, but the amount of noise she’s making here really does make you believe she’s enjoying herself.

The piano thing isn’t exactly new – ten years prior to this the same thing was done in Emmanuelle: QotG – but it certainly adds something to the bump’n’grind, even if that thing is decidedly avant-garde. The scenery is pretty good too – a nice collection of things in the room, from peacock feathers to glassware to some very nice-looking lamps. Overall, it works.

However…

There really isn’t a lot of Ron Jeremy in this scene. He’s certainly involved enough, but doesn’t get a lot to do except pleasure Sandy, and for half of that you don’t even see his face! While I will admit that I’d much rather see her body, and this is softcore so we’re never going to really see his Jonathan Thomas Esq., this is Ron Jeremy! Wouldn’t you think there’d be a little more focus on him? He’s the main character!

Still, can’t complain. This is playful and sexy and there’s a piano in it, and I’ve never seen Ron do softcore before, so now I’ve experienced practically everything.

[And with thanks to the reader who suggested this scene.]