“So this is Microsoft Publisher,” the IT teacher stated. “It’s important you need to learn this, because in the future, Publisher will be the thing everyone uses. It’s probably going to last forever!” (She cleared her throat and began to stride around the class as she continued.) “I’d like you to create a webpage using Publisher. You don’t need to know any HTML for this. Just design something about… (here she gesticulated vaguely) …our school.”
Einstein and I set to work first. Our design didn’t end up featured on the “good work” display, but then again, it wasn’t particularly interesting.
What did end up featured was something my bully produced with the title “Top Class Girls” in a bizarre font. It went on to explain that our school had “many young and beautifull [sic] girls” and, following a few pictures of several such girls, went on to categorise them into “Class A” and “Class B”.
I tried to point out that this was sexist, but our head of year, who laughed like a sheep, shrugged it off with something like, “ehh… the design’s quite good.” I also vaguely wondered what my bully’s girlfriend would think about being halfway down the “Class B” list. The Floof was actually quite pleased with being on it at all.
Right at the top of the “Class A” category – and in a slightly bigger font size than the rest – was someone named [here ILB casts around randomly for a female name] “Dani”. I didn’t know who she was; she hadn’t gone to my primary school and wasn’t in any of my classes, but she was clearly a known name. I did, of course, become acquainted with her soon afterwards, because she pinched my bum.
No, I don’t know why either. Bum-pinching had become the hot girls’ preferred way of communicating with me. It wasn’t something the staff would notice, especially when we were cramming into the assembly hall; they presumably also liked the squeal I let out and how high I’d jump in the air. I did occasionally wonder how my sexually-obsessed bully would have reacted had any girl pinched his bum.
But the images weren’t fun, so I stopped wondering.
They also weren’t keen on denying it, either. “You should recognise me,” Dani said at one point, “because I pinched your bum yesterday and you saw it was me.”
“You could have just said hello,” I pointed out.
“Nah, that’s no fun.”
“What, and my bum is?”
“…”
“…”
“…I mean… yes…?”
Einstein and I weren’t the only ones left off the board in favour of institutionalised sexism. Lightsinthesky’s design was left off too, although (as I pointed out) I didn’t think “METALLICA GENERALLY RULE” in huge black text was much of a design. Still, it would have been better content than “Top Class Girls”.
“Some of the girls on that one are really fit, though,” he said, because of course he did.
“I don’t know, really,” I admitted. “I don’t really talk to any of them, but I’ve met Dani, because she pinched my bum and…”
“DANI PINCHED YOUR BUM?!”
“Yes. Anyway, I turned around to see who it was and…”
“YOU WHAT? YOU’RE THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE SCHOOL! ANYONE ELSE WOULD WANT DANI TO PINCH THEIR BUM! I’VE HAD DREAMS ABOUT THAT!”
“I actually felt a bit violated.”
“YOU IDIOT! USE THAT! HAVE YOU EVEN THOUGHT OF HOW [my bully’s name] WOULD REACT IF HE FOUND THAT OUT?”
I had, of course, thought about that, but I’m sure he’d find some way to weaponise having my arse grabbed by presumably the most beautiful girl in the school. I don’t quite know how. But he’d have found a way.
Years later, in the carefree sixth form days when everyone had kind of loosened up a bit and Dani had left the school, the Floof and a gaggle of the other girls made their own list of the boys. They’d put me in at number 10 initially, before bumping me down to 11 because they’d forgotten about Brad. He took my place and I was unceremoniously crossed off.
“How do you feel about that?” asked one of the other hot girls who had pinched my bum five years prior.
“Oh, I don’t know…” I said vaguely. “I guess that makes me Class B…”
And I’m still annoyed that nobody got the reference!
