Innocent Loverboy

Love, sex and interminable pop-culture references

Come (together)

Are you okay?
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“You don’t sound okay.”

I struggled to get myself into a better position to talk. These days I almost always tend to hit the speakerphone button to have my conversations, as I’m less and less able to hold things to my ear with these arms.

“I’m okay. Really. I’m just having a lie down. Tired, so very tired.”
“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, me too. I’m sorry to interrupt you.”
“You didn’t interrupt me doing anything. I was just lying down.”
“Well, I’m sorry to interrupt you lying down!”

I sat up to try and pull the duvet over myself. The duvet fell, with a soft flump, onto the floor instead. Not a great success.

“It’s probably a good thing you didn’t call fifteen minutes ago. Because at that point, you see, I was still cleaning up after the huge orgasm I had. I’ve been exhausted all day, as you know, and on the way home, I bypassed ‘about to crash’ in favour of ‘really need to come’. First thing I did after I got home was to have a long, stress-relieving, horny wank.”

Except I didn’t say that.

“In fact, I was still cleaning up five minutes ago. I’ve been needing to come for a few days, but wasn’t able to do so. I came very hard, and I was still finding jizz in various curves and contours of my body for quite a while afterwards. There’s probably still more in places I didn’t even know I had. It’ll dry off if I lie here for a while.”

Except I didn’t say that either.

I’m saying it here, though.

Revelations: Body Count

[Post number 1,000 on this blog. I’m a chatty ILB.]

The new year, as ever, heralds the usual changes. I still haven’t gotten into the habit of putting a 3 rather than the extra 2 at the end of the year; January (the most depressing month) drags on, and the cold exacerbates a whole plethora or interesting viruses. I’ve no idea which one I have right now; it’s keeping me off work, which is certainly A Thing.

Memes have changed too. After thirteen years, Hedone has decided to close down her perennial meme TMI Tuesday, one of the things that kept me blogging throughout the last, difficult year. Thank you very much for keeping this one going, H. I appreciate it.

And so now we have Revelations, a new meme by Molly. It is, basically, a blogging prompt meme with a rather broad scope, but I couldn’t resist joining in with this one.

So… body count.

What’s a body count?

I’ve got a query about the term “body count”. I have always used this to refer to the number of deaths in a piece of media – from a few in Leprechaun to a round one hundred in Shoot ‘Em Up. Does Prince Harry’s 25 constitute, for example, a body count?

Sexually, what even is a body count? Does it have to be full penetrative sex to count? What about oral sex; what about kisses? Is there a special category for those whose name you don’t know, or whose body you have forgotten? Is the term useful, or a little objectifying?

What about cybersex? I’ve had a LOT of that. Do they count?

What other terms do you use? “Notches on your belt / bedpost”? Or do you simply keep a tally on the wall like Lavonia Shed in Beneath the Valley of the Ultravixens?

I suppose, like with so much of sex and sexuality, this is one of the things in which you make your own rules. I’m going to sum it up like this.

ILB’s List of Lists

I have kissed twelve people. Of those twelve, I have had sex with eight of them. Four of those have been partners (ie. girlfriends, fiancées, wife). While this looks deliberate, my affiliation to the four-times table is not, despite four being my lucky number. It should please the maths nerds, however.

They are:

01. Rebecca (a girlfriend, then a fiancée)
02. Louise
03. Alicia
04. Lilly
05. snowdrop
06. The Oxford Seamstress (a girlfriend, then a fiancée, briefly)
07. Catherine (a girlfriend)
08. Jillian (a girlfriend, then a fiancée, now a wife)

[NB: The above are, of course, pseudonyms. I know all their names – both Christian name and surname – in all eight cases, although only a few I’ve ever really used!]

I’m of the opinion that, when talking with the sex-positive crowd (and I might bring this up if I can get a table at Eroticon), the number of people you’ve slept with is either going to be scarily high or scarily low – there are very few in between. But then, again, what is high and what is low? Magazines and websites will tell you things, but are they really true or just dead tree clickbait?

Is my eight high or low?

Impossible to tell. While this is a low number, I’ve definitely had a lot of sex. Bear in mind that, of these eight, only one was a once-off thing (everyone else was two or more), whereas four were long-term partners. I must have had sex hundreds, possibly even thousands, of times… even though, having not had sex for eight years or so, my memory of the act itself may be slightly hazy!

And then let’s think about my situation. For the longest time, like practically EVERY TEENAGER EVER, I was absolutely 100% sure that I’d never have sex. Nobody had been interested and I hadn’t even been kissed until I was 17! 17 itself was a very tumultuous year for me, with my first kiss, first sexual experience, first girlfriend and first sex all happening in the space of a few months!

The fact that anyone found me attractive enough to have sex with was certainly hard to believe… it still is two decades later! Looking at it now, after my first relationship catastrophically went wrong, the fact that SEVEN MORE PEOPLE ended up sleeping with me seems completely insane!

So what’s my body count?

Impossible to tell. Yeah, I’ve had sex with eight people and I do suspect that, to quite a lot of the sex blogging community, that isn’t the highest of numbers. But I’m very grateful for all the sex I’ve had, from the first experience with a janky branded condom, to sex on the studio floor while listening to Brian Patten, to trying to get my girlfriend off the ceiling in the Bristol hotel room.

Every sexual experience has helped to shape me, to inspire me, to beguile me. Yes, I do miss having sex, but the amount of sex I did have feels like a lot more than my single figure may suggest.

And to everyone reading this who I may have had sex with at some point…

…I’m sorry about that.

Soft Porn Sunday: Kira Reed & Guy Incognito

Passion and Roma-a-a-ance.

I don’t remember the rest of the lyrics, but that’s how the theme tune started.

Nor do I remember much of the Passion & Romance series. I remember vague references to it as “Passion” in Radio Times, occasionally with the description “Women’s entertainment”. It was certainly marketed towards women: being shown after 10:00 on UK Living, the sex was all softcore, the stories had strong female characters, and every episode was written and directed by a woman.

Except it wasn’t. While it’s claimed that this episode was both written and directed by Jill Hayworth (who also directed Emmanuelle 2000, although most of that was directed by Rolfe Kanefsky, so who knows?), some of the films in the series were made by men who used female pseudonyms.

Genuine Reverse George Eliot stuff, there. I can’t claim to understand it.

Still, I’m not a woman and I was entertained by this, so there’s that, too.

Appearance: Passion & Romance: Scandal (1997)
Characters: Annette & Some Guy

Passion & Romance episodes always follow the same formula: there’s a story, but it genuinely doesn’t matter because very few of the characters appear to own many clothes. Scandal‘s alleged plotline concerns an American election drawing near, during the run-up to which, Governor Buck-wild… sorry Buckwald (Thad Geer)… begins to lose hope as his family becomes entangled in multiple sex scandals.

Sex on a wooden bed in a blue room.
My teenage bedroom was this colour!

None of which matters, because Kira Reed Lorsch (credited as Kira Lee) and Gabriella Hall are in this and they barely appear to be aware of the existence of garments at all, so I think we all know what the broader appeal is here.

So, the scene…

This is the very first scene in the film (if you don’t count the wraparound opening sequence), and it’s a good’un. Since there’s no context yet – it could be anyone, anywhere – the scene relies on sex to draw the audience in, rather than trying to establish a story first. It is, essentially, a collection of interconnected shots of Annette (Kira) and and an unnamed, uncredited character having messy, dirty sex on a random bed while the TV is on.

I say “unnamed, uncredited” because that’s what he is. I don’t have a full copy of this flick and helpful reader S.A. – who has an encyclopaedic knowledge of this stuff – reports that this character doesn’t have a name or is credited. I myself can’t find any indication on IMDb (thus originally taking the character to be Andrew [Wesley O’Brian], who does have a scene with Kira later on). Let’s just assume he doesn’t have a name. His parents forgot, or something.

That’s it, that’s the scene. End of post.

Hands grabbing boobs.
Hey, look, hands. I have some of those.

I don’t have much else to say about it. As early as the very first frame, Annette and Mr. No-Name are going at it. There’s no disrobing and no lead-in, and from what you can see, they may well have started before we come in. Things happen in medias res, and so we are thrown – as a collective audience – into the middle of sex without any prior indication.

Which is probably why I liked this as a horny teenager.

Kira and Mr. ______’s joint performance – and the general idea conveyed by the set (clothes on the floor, bed in a bit of a mess, television still on) – suggests that the sex was urgent, and certainly not planned (always something I like). We start with something close to the missionary position, initially seen side-on, Slenderman thrusting away and Annette underneath. Kira is making a lot of grunty, moany noises and clearly enjoying herself; there’s a connection established between these two characters simply from the way it’s shot.

Kira Reed in a state of nudity.
You’ve already seen her, so here’s a different angle.

Between the 00:30 and 00:50 mark there’s a switch in position which appears almost accidental – Annette rolls over, taking No-Face (and the duvet!) with her, ending up riding him. We get some nice shots of Kira at this point – pretty face, nice red hair, obligatory boobs – before they melt into a silly kiss.

The final few seconds are incredibly intense, too. While none of it’s particularly slow, the last bit of the sex is done with Hulk levels of energy as the twosome do some bouncing on the edge of the bed. It’s all very frisky, very fun and very brisk. Sex with a smile and appropriate time management.

Some dude with his eyes closed.
Randomiser as Andrew. He forgot to put his eyes in that morning.

My initial memory of this scene was underscored by the fact that it didn’t have any music – the news broadcast on the television replacing it – but, on reviewing it now, there is a soft, unobtrusive musical score here, at a lower volume than the TV. In fact, if you play the whole scene with your eyes closed (WHICH I JUST DID WHAT HAVE I BECOME), you can listen to the anchorman helpfully explaining the plot, which you may have overlooked due to the fact that Kira Reed is on the screen…

…and the voice of director Hayworth as weather girl Wendy Waters. Just so someone can mention they noticed that!

Messy bedroom with clothes on the floor.
Wide shot from the end, with bonus floordrobe.

My big problem with the Passion & Romance series, bearing in mind that I last saw these at the age of sixteen and things have happened since then(!), was that the sex scenes – numerous though the may be – always struck me as a little humdrum. The three scenes I can remember liking – really liking – are two from Ocean of Dreams (1997)… and this one.

And now I realise why.

With gratitude to the aforementioned helpful reader for fact-checking character names.

New Year Scramble

The start of a new year (calendar year, not academic year) has always been an odd feeling for me. Logical ILB knows that time is a construct, and that what we are celebrating is an incredibly arbitrary point. Resolutions are made because of a new year, but part of me would rather make them in spite of one.

But, in the past, the new year has always been interesting.

One year I saw a friend who I rarely managed to see on New Year’s Day – not because it was New Year’s Day, but just because he was available. One I did some work for my uncle, who paid me £60 for a few hours and bought me lunch. One year I was still coming down from the high of getting a kiss from a girl I fancied a few days prior. One I spent largely singing the numbers from Avenue Q while my GP tinkled the ivories in a friend’s back room.

Philip J. Fry from "Futurama" getting ready to count down to the millennium.
Here’s to another lousy millennium!

And then there are the bad ones. The ones in the late ’90s and early ’00s where I would spend my days in floods of tears. Ones where I would toast the new year convinced I wasn’t going to make it through another twelve months. The millennium celebration was the worst – it was cold, it was wet, it was outside, I was completely crushed by the girl I wanted at the time, and I lost my special pen for writing my diary.

[Most of my misery during those years was due to unrequited love. It was the same girl for several years… and then another for a few more. I even drew a diagram once, in Comic Sans.]

And, of course, I was dumped on New Year’s Day 2011. That still comes back to me in my darkest moments.

And then there are the sexy ones. The beginning of 2004 that I spent in a sleepy haze. The moments when I managed to both finish the old year and start the new one with my penis inside someone else (orgasms are a nice beginning). The one where I got a very drunken text from someone saying she wanted to fuck me. Every time I’ve managed to wake up next to someone and start the day, the week, the month and the year with a kiss and a cuddle.

I usually spend New Year with my friends. This year, that didn’t happen.

New Year was comfortable. I ate hot food, I quaffed some lemonade and I watched Jools Holland with my wife. There wasn’t any high emotion, nor was there any drama either (nor was there any sex). There was a hug in the middle of our living room, a lie-down and a bit of a sleep. Another year passed, and after the action-packed first half of 2022, everything seems like a bit of anticlimax.

But it was comfortable and quiet.

And that is what I needed.

And so forwards we go.

2022 #orgasmcount (aka: “ZOMG! Easy Content!!!!!1 🙂🙂🙂”)

Everyone I know appears to have had a bad year in 2022, except for me. I’m not going to pretend that all of it was brilliant, of course – I’m not a maniac – but I did, in fact, have a relatively positive year. For me, that’s a major thing.

My blog has been one of the constants in my life, again… although this year I’ve mostly been doing memes. Whether it’s TMI Tuesday, Five Things, or even the occasional Soft Porn Sunday, I’ve just found memes to be a handy content generator. I may have had an okay year, but it’s been a busy one. Memes have helped my blog grow, although my favourite posts have always been the funny ones about my past.

This year I even wrote a compilation thereof, so, er, you’re welcome?

The Year

I had quite a confusing Spring, what with constant periods of unemployment and a pending wedding that I wasn’t entirely sure I could pay for. I did, however, get a job I really wanted, so April through to July were good months for me – even during the heatwave. July gave me a stag party thingy which was an excellent day.

Summer consisted mostly of wedding shenanigans, honeymoon wandering and then a few weeks of lazy vegetation. Autumn was a bit of an anticlimax following the action-packed first eight months, and maybe I’m still sleeping them off, judging by how little I did over Christmas!

I’ve spent the last few days trying to get over my cold (…if it’s a cold!). That’s pretty much it, so maybe there’s something more interesting to talk about.

The Orgasms

This’ll do. In 2021 I has 131 orgasms (more than I had anticipated). This year I had long periods of not being able to touch myself, but also some periods where I had many days to myself, in which I did it every day. My sexual desire has been all over the place, so maybe my New Year’s resolution should be about centering myself and realising where my sexual energy is best focused.

Fortunately, in the lack of the ability to do this, I kept a record….

117– the number of orgasms I’ve had this year (as denoted by a ★ in my WHSmith mid-year diary)

That’s less than last year. I am still pleased that I cracked the hundred mark, though.

32.05% – the number of orgasms in a year, compared to the number of days in a year, expressed as a percentage

Slightly less than a third. That’s an awful lot of time with my dick in my hand… but still a little disappointing, for some reason!

And the rest?

Usually I’d do these in categories, but I’ve changed up what I’ve written so much this year that I thought it would be desperate fun to go through this…

! (11/1, 31/2, 16/3, 17/4, 26/4, 9/7, 11/7, 12/12) – these are the days on which I had particularly powerful orgasms, for whatever reason.

x2 (21/2, 1/3, 13/4, 27/7) – days on which I had more than one orgasm! In my early twenties, I’d have done this every day!

Leana! (5 occurrences, maybe more) – orgasms had while watching videos of porn starlet Leana Lovings. I’m not a big fan of hardcore, as you should know… but I do like Leana!

Nice. (16/3) – I remember this one! It was a very pleasant experience all the way through, and a relief I needed after a difficult day. The same could also be applied to Blissful! 🙂 (23/8), for similar reasons (although I was hyped up on anaesthetic from the dentist at this point, so maybe…!).

Plentiful! (26/4) and Quite a lot. (31/8) – You don’t need a hint for this… just use your imagination!

🙁 (24/10) – a disappointing orgasm: too much effort for too little reward (and, if memory serves me right, I didn’t even finish the orgasm; it just stopped randomly). Fortunately there was only one of those this year!

Boing! (9/7, 8/9, 13/12) – my favourite thing to write as, as has happened before, these orgasms involve cum jumping in a pleasant arc, my appreciation of the aesthetic necessitating a mention of this!

The Audacity of This Bitch

This marks post number 58 in 2021, which amounts to slightly more than one post per week (1.115, if my maths is right). I promise I’ve been making an effort, but I’ll do better next year!

I know I say that every year, but this year I will, mainly because I want Robyn to buy me cloudy lemonades. Join ILB again in 2023 for more sex, porn and seemingly random screaming into the sky. See you there.

Dick

I started coughing and spluttering the day before Christmas. Although I made it through singing carols at Mass, and the day itself (although everyone took a nap in the afternoon; it was an odd day), Boxing Day passed in a haze of sneezes and tissues.

The rest of the week has been similar – a miasma of struggling to move, foggy thoughts, Glee marathons on Disney+, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe and Beechams Flu Plus. I’m meant to be going back to work next week, and exciting as that may be, I’m really not feeling it.

When I’m this sick, it’s very hard to feel sexy. Yesterday I read through my diary in preparation for tomorrow’s #orgasmcount, and in the moment, it felt like something Herculean to even think about being hard, horny or anywhere close to ejaculation. Even if I tried, it’s hard to imagine my hand co-operating with my dick.*

[*But I’m still going to try.]

If I’m not having orgasms, then I usually end up having my awkward dreams about not quite getting to have sex. Or being naked in public. Or both. Or fiddling with my dick. All four, if you count the dream I had about masturbating on the local bus that goes to town from the corner of my road. Inevitably I wake up hard from having these, and more often than not a little frustrated (not that I ever get to have sex in the dreams; the fact that it could happen is what keeps them going!).

But that’s not been happening either. I’ve been lying in bed feeling sick, day and night, every now and again trying to muster the strength to sit anywhere else – even in my own computer chair. The struggle, dear reader, is real.

Late last night I had a dream about watching porn. I don’t remember which porn it was, or if it even exists. All I recall, really, was a dream about watching porn, in my chair, on my own. (That’s how I usually do so, which is probably what made it so realistic.) And that’s how, in the dream, I had one of the biggest, hardest, throbbing erections I’ve had in the past few years.

And then I woke up and realised it was a real one.

Which was nice.

TMI Tuesday: Yawn, More Christmas

I don’t want no socks for Christmas – all the clothes you choose are vile
Cartoon ties are only worn by simpletons and paedophiles
I don’t share your taste in music – why would I like JLS?
And I don’t want a fucking voucher – what the fuck is BHS?

I sense a theme here.

Since last week, I have become more Ready For Christmas, insofar as I have now got nearly all the presents I need (most of this is due to my wife’s ministrations, for which they deserve my prudent thanks).

I’m still not entirely sure I’m there yet. My mother, who I talked to the other day, feels exactly the same way. Nobody feels particularly ready this year.

I’ve no idea if this is just my family. If any of you feel the same way, let me know and we can all share in the collected nervous collapse.

Anyway, I’m doing this meme once more. This week’s TMI Tuesday is about Christmas. Again. Maybe it’s a commercial thing – we had great penetration last year with “Christmas II”.

1. Would you rather work on Christmas Day and earn 4 times your daily salary or spend the day with your family?

Strangely enough, I actually know someone who has done the first of these. He was The Oxford Seamstress’ younger brother, who had come back from university and managed to get a job in a company that stayed open on every day of the year, including Christmas. He decided to make bank and went in on that day.

I’d never do that sort of thing. With one exception, I’ve spent every Christmas of my life with my admittedly very large family. As I said last week, I usually find Christmas difficult, but it wouldn’t feel the same without the rest of them – 19 at this year’s count – and I’d choose the second every time.

Plus, it’s quite clear I don’t care about money. If you knew the industry I was in, you’d agree with me there…

2. Would you rather spend a snowy day outside playing winter games or sports or spend a snowy day inside with your most annoying relative?

I actually can’t physically play games or sports. My body doesn’t let me do too much without suffering incredible amounts of exhaustion (sex notwithstanding; I can do that for longer…), and besides, I don’t like sports and never have done.

My most annoying relative is probably my niece, and since I adore her, I’d be perfectly okay with the second option.

3. For the month of December, would you rather sing Jingle Bells really loud every time you enter a room or wear a Santa suit every day?

Vera said that?
The Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away, hey!

The last time I went to hospital, one of the pieces of advice I was given was to sing more. I love singing – that’s something I can do without getting exhausted – and although I’m not fond of Jingle Bells, I’d rather do that. We have, in fact, been singing Jingle Bells at work, so it kind of fits.

Here’s an interesting thing, though. My dad has actually done the second one. He was Father Christmas at the Millennium Dome for the one year it was open in ’00! Every single day he’d go down to Greenwich, don the red suit and ho-ho-ho his way through long lines of children asking him for things he didn’t recognise.

I don’t know, though. Maybe my dad actually is Father Christmas. The guy who came into my bedroom when I was a kid and put presents into my stocking looked suspiciously like him.

4. Would you rather choose your presents or be surprised?

Choose them.

This is another family thing we do, enabled by Modern Technology™ – we put together a “Secret Santa” list and everyone pulls a name from the hat. It saves having to buy 18 different presents and we then use WhatsApp to send a list out.

I am notoriously difficult to buy for. I used to ask for Nintendo games every Christmas, but right now I’m playing five Nintendo games I have yet to finish, so I don’t really need any new ones. The things I need are too expensive for a Christmas gift, and the things I want are too frivolous.

When I was younger, I used to get famously upset at getting the wrong present – usually from someone who’d made a wild guess at things I would like – so it’s kinder to everyone to send out a list. Since we all do it, I don’t feel so demanding any more.

5. Would you rather be Scrooge before he meets the [Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come] or be the Grinch before becoming good?

Has anyone here ever actually read A Christmas Carol? Scrooge, although a wicked miser, is actually caustic and witty both before and after his transformation. I’d rather be him, in order to have that quickfire sense of humour.

Plus, I’d have all that money and everyone would love me eventually.

TMI Tuesday: ‘Tis The Season

You look at yourself, you’re an elf, and the shelf is just full of disappointing memories
Trends come and go, and your friends wanna know why you are just happy
Making crappy little gizmos
Every kid knows they’ll just throw this stuff away…

Stylised text reading "'Tis the Season"
Fa la la la la, fellatio!

I am in no way ready for Christmas. I’ve bought one present for one person, even though I calculated today that I should be having eight more. I’m not even sure what’s happening, with who, or when. Today’s TMI Tuesday is absolutely one hundred per cent mocking me for my lack of preparation.

Christmas has always been a difficult time for me, for a multitude of reasons. I almost always end up crying at Christmas – I’ve even got a song about it – hopefully this year will be better. But then again, I say that every year, and…

1. Would you rather have a cold December holiday season or a warm holiday season?

I discovered the answer to this today.

I don’t deal well with “cold”. Every year I suddenly seem to remember this around this point, but this year it seems to be even worse. It’s one of the chilliest Decembers we’ve had in a long time, my central heating only goes on for a couple of hours and only really appears to work effectively in the bathroom, and Peter the Heater – so my wife tells me – no longer works.

All of this adds up to a very cold ILB and he genuinely can’t take it. Even as I sit here typing, wearing three layers and in a room with closed windows and curtains drawn, I still feel like icicles are forming in my blood vessels.

I don’t like being too hot either, but at least you can combat that. Take off as many clothes as you want and eat some ice cream. I could deal with “warm”. Cold is genuinely beginning to hurt.

2. Would you rather help Father Christmas deliver presents or help Father Christmas in his workshop?

To really understand this question you have to have seen the film Arthur Christmas. It’s a good movie for many reasons, the main one being that it’s perhaps the only Christmas film with a viable explanation for how he does it all in one single night. I don’t have the physical strength to help out, but I’d very much like to stand on the deck of the ship and watch!

Hands aren’t my thing (my year 8 DT teacher told me so), so I’m fairly sure many, if not most, of the toys I made would be defective. While I do have fond memories of Raggy Dolls, I’m not entirely sure making my own version would be what I’m going for. It might be interesting, though!

3. Would you rather wear nice clothes all Christmas day or wear pyjamas?

My parents once bought me, quite unexpectedly, a Mario onesie. It was snuggly and warm, and I wore it on Christmas night and for most of the following morning. I even took it to 47’s house, in lieu of pyjamas, when I was staying there once.

Of course I’d prefer to wear something comfortable; that’s my preference. I also have no style or fashion sense, so putting on a Mario onesie is probably the closest you’ll get. However, there appears to be a trend within my family of buying me some variety of blue or grey jumper every year, so I have no excuse for not wearing something nice for Christmas…

All I got for Christmas was this Poundland Jumper, on a jumper.
I mean, look at it, just look!

Last week was “Christmas Jumper Day” at work and, in desperation, I went to Poundland and bought a jumper there. I’m not entirely sure what it’s made out of, but I might be a massive troll and wear that all day.

4. Would you rather eat fruit cake for two days straight or eat candy canes for two days straight?

I don’t like fruit cake, so I’ll go for candy canes.

My second girlfriend was surprised when I told her I don’t like fruit cake, and absolutely aghast to find out that I don’t like custard either. I once made her, on her request, a bowl of custard (and nothing else) to eat. She had a very “you’re going t eat it and you’re going to like it” attitude towards her family’s fruit cake recipe, but she never got around to making it and therefore I never had to eat it.

My family has a tradition of stirring the mixture for Christmas cake while making a wish. My uncle then brings the cake out on the day and lights it on fire.

No, I don’t understand either.

5. Right now would you rather eat gingerbread cookies or drink hot chocolate?

I’m cold, so I’ll go for hot chocolate. Hot chocolate reminds me of a couple of sex blogging friends, including Rose (for whom I once made some) and Bunny. Just to tie this post to the rest of the blog, y’know, since there hasn’t been a lot of sex in this.

Rose sat on my sister’s bed, drinking her hot chocolate, having just had a shower and wearing very little on her famously long legs…

Ahem. Anyway.

I recently bought some special hot chocolate which is allegedly salted caramel flavour. It doesn’t taste of salted caramel or hot chocolate, but it is a warm, milky drink, so I’ve found myself quaffing it in large quantities. It’s not quite as good as the hot chocolate my Dad used to make me every morning at breakfast, but…!

Toilet Cheat

A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad thing has happened and I can no longer masturbate on the toilet.

Wait, come back! This post’s more interesting than that, I promise!

My very favourite place to wank is in my computer chair – it’s how I’ve always done it; the familiarity is helpful – but, as has happened in many circumstances, I find myself horny and unable to do anything about it where I am, so I go to the bathroom and masturbate there. Since the only available seat is the toilet, that seems the most viable option, right?

I’m not even sure if I can wank in the shower any more. I don’t really wish to try. I like orgasms, but there’s a limit!

Pleasuring myself on the loo is a skill all to itself. I’ll need to be in a comfortable enough position to wrap my finger and thumb around my shaft; balance is important so I don’t break the seat (or fall off; that’s happened a few times as well…); I need to be aware of my surroundings, where the tissue is, and if anyone else needs to use the facilities as well.

It also takes me a lot longer to come if I’m not in front of my computer. My imagination may well be fertile, but it’s a completely different experience without porn.

And then I also need to recline. The traditional image of a cis man hunched over like a kind of sexual Quasimodo is not at all how I masturbate. I like to have my back supported, so I can lean back a little, which gives me more space to work with and a larger surface area around my dick.

What?

My computer chair affords me this luxury. The toilet, alas, does not.

We have recently had a new toilet installed, after the old one decided that functioning properly was not within its remit. While I am very grateful for the whole “things work as they are meant to” concept, with it came a new seat, and therein lies the difficulty: whereas the seat itself is comfortable, the lid has hard rimmed edges (as opposed to being largely flat). If I recline, I jab myself in the back.

If I recline any further, I develop a painful ring-shaped indentation right in the middle of my back.

It’s very difficult to wank, I find, when you are suffering incredible physical pain.

So I can no longer masturbate on the toilet. As a result, this is severely cutting down the number of times I can, really, masturbate.

Which means that my orgasm today – my first in about a week and a half – was nothing short of comparable to a supernova.

Which was nice.

Top 100 Sex Blogs 2022

It’s the beginning of December and, true to form, I’d completely forgotten about this. Fortunately, however, Molly didn’t, and there’s – once more – a list.

I had to wrestle with the code (for half an hour!) to post it properly here, but I think this should work…

1Focused and Filthy@FocusedFilthy
2Girly Juice@girly_juice
3Cara Sutra@thecarasutra
4The Big Gay Review@thebiggayreview
5Love, Emma@EmmaAus27418832
6A to sub Bee@sub_bee
7Princess Previews@PrincessPreview
8Kelvin Sparks@kelvinsparks_
9Pain as Pleasure@bibulousone
10Beyond Non-Binary@girlieboy69
11The Beautiful Kind@TBK365
12Coffee and Kink@coffeeandkink
13Miss Ruby Reviews@MissRubyReviews
14Exposing 40@exposing40
15Betty Butch@betty_butch
16Still Searching For Prince Charming@SS4PC
17Emma’s Story Corner@EmmaXStories
18Violet Fawkes@fireandhoney
19Master’s Pleasing Bitch@MPBjulie
20Tess Tesst@jay_tesst
21Temperature’s Rising
22Joanne’s Reviews@joannesreviews
23Innocent Loverboy@innocentlb
24Poppet Subslut
25Denying Thumper@thumperMN
26Sex and Psychology@JustinLehmiller
27O Miss Pearl@OMissPearl
28The Smut Report@smutreport
29Happy Come Lucky@ht_honey
30A Leap of Faith@thebarefootsub
31E. L. Byrne Writer@ELByrne1
32Kinky with a TwistFacebook
33A Faded Romantic’s Notebook@romdominant
34My Dissolute Life@nLikes
35Ready for Polyamory@lauracb88
36Queer Courtesan@queercourtesan
37Little Quean Piggy
38Tall, Dark and Dominant@darkanddominant
39Naked Wanderings@nakedwanderings
40The Gentle Domme@TheGentleDomme
41Kinky World@mistress_kay
42Lilith Likes to Watch@BWMTweet
43Pieces of Jade@piecesofjade
44Cocktails and Cocktalk
45Corrupting Mrs Jones@MrsJonesMT50
46My Wild Lens@mywildlens
47Maria Opens Up@MSM1647
48Holden and Camille@h_and_c_dot_com/
49Witch of the Wands@WitchofTheWands
50Queer Earthling@threatganglia00
51Modesty Ablaze@ablazingmodesty
52Victoria Blisse@victoriablisse
53Male Chastity Journal@TheCagedLion
54Lillith Avir@Lillith_A
55Evolving Your Man@EvolvingYourMan
56Butt Stuff
57Lucy Felthouse@cw1985
58August McLaughlin@augstmclaughlin
59Kay Jaybee@kay_jaybee
60Spices of Lust@spicesoflust
61Sexilicious Ash@sexiliciousash
62Dancer in Chains@Dancer_InChains
63Jerusalem Mortimer: Between the Lines
64David Mei
65Love is a Fetish@loveisafetish
66[This space left blank for display purposes]
67Love Letters to a Unicorn@AuntieVice
68Adult Exploration@We_Fear_Nothing
69Hannah McKnight@HannahTGirlMN
70Wind Whisperer@_WindWhisperer_
71Meghan Madness
72Miss D
73Loving My Disciplined Life
74No Pants Endurance@nopantsenduran2
75My Sex Life with Lola
76Breaking Away From Monogamy@K_Ghislaine
77Oz Bigdownunder@OzBigdownunder
78Olivia
79The Poet’s Love Letter
80Finding Strength in my Submission
81J R Vincente
82Wolfie Toons
83The Drew Duality@dualdrew
84Deltoya Toys@DeltoyaT
85Eros Blog@ErosBlogBacchus
86Tabula Erotica
87Mistress Lisa’s Femdom Diary
88Abigail Storm@EroticaStorm
89Femdom Think Tank
90SexBlogging.com@sexlifeandevery
91A German Brat
92F dot Leonora@fdotleonora
93Madam Mayhem@madam__mayhem
94Mistress Scarlet’s Blog
95The Sword@THEswordcom
96Morgan Destera
97Girl Spanking Stories
98Erotic Tales for the Visual Woman
99O and P Spanking Stories
100Anybody else
Pink button with the Chaturbate logo bigger than the actual thing it's promoting.
Did you know I’ve got a Chaturbate account? Well, I do!

Place 23 isn’t bad, especially considering how slack I’ve been with blogging this year (and the posts I’ve actually done have mostly been memes!). By no means am I going to make the top ten, but it’s seven higher than last year…

…for some reason. I’m satisfied with this, anyway.

My initial thought when reading through this list was something approximating “WHO THE FUCK ARE MOST OF THESE PEOPLE?!”. In fact, spooling through it again, there are less than thirty names that I recognise, and even fewer that I actually read! If you have a look on my blogroll, you’ll notice that quite a few of them are largely inactive, and a lot of those which are weren’t eligible for the list at time of nomination due to the rules!

But, then again, that is the nature of sex blogging. People come and people go, and while that’s sad, it’s always interesting to see some new voices. The fact that Molly managed to get a hundred (more or less) to populate this list stands testament to that.

ILB’s List?

As I think I’ve said elsewhere, I found it difficult to think of six blogs to nominate this year, since (at that point) a lot of the people I usually do nominate were either inactive, on hiatus, or hadn’t posted enough this year! For whatever reason, however, I thought them worthy of recognition. They are:

  1. Emma Austin from Love, Emma – This is a genuinely active blog, and there’s always something new to read. For that, Emma deserves props. I’m pleased she made the top ten.
  2. David from The Big Gay Review – David isn’t on this list and I’m not even sure if review-style blogs are eligible (but if that’s true, there are a lot of them here that shouldn’t be on the list either!), but I really like the way he writes.
  3. Ash from Sexilicious Ash – I wish she posted more (as I think I said last year!), but I always appreciate it when she does.
  4. Sweetness from Sweetness Blogs – Apparently she wasn’t eligible for nomination… but I did it anyway! I’ve recently come to appreciate Sweetness for what she does, and she’s a worthwhile follow on social media, too.
  5. Robyn from Robyn Eats Everything – One of my most recent discoveries and also one of my favourite people to chat to on Twitter, Robyn has only recently started, but I want to see where this is going! (Plus, I, too, eat a lot). I’m pleased she made it onto the “new voices” thingy.

And one wildcard:

  • Violet Fawkes from Violet Fawkes – Violet doesn’t post very much, but she’s chatty and friendly on social media, and when she does post, it’s usually something worth reading.

What’s next for ILB?

So what’s next for me? I’m genuinely not entirely sure about this. I’ve done 47 (heh) posts this year, and with 65 in 2021, I’m not going to be making escape velocity by the end of the month.

But, as usual, I do plan to have a few more things to write between now and the new year. I even – shock! – have some ideas about things to write, so there may even be some of those out (if I can get the time to do something more expansive)! I’ll definitely be posting in 2023, as well, as my blog appears to be one of the few constants in my day-to-day life… it’s always comforting to see it there!

Until the next post, then… and the next list!

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