For a couple of decades now, I’ve been looking for a shower scene in something possibly called B-Movie Classix (although that was the wraparound L!VE TV used when it temporarily replaced Exotica Erotica, so I can’t be sure). I remember the scene, though – a detective-type character having sex with a horny, large-breasted female suspect, shower raining down on them, her boobs pressed against the glass as the camera rotated slowly around them.
If you twisted my arm, I’d have to admit that (with the above as an exception) shower scenes aren’t really my thing. I’ve never had sex in the shower myself, despite trying to work out the logistics; to all intents and purposes, these are said to be very difficult scenes to film.
But what if one were to film a shower scene with no actual sex? Would that work? No idea. Let’s see. Step forward, then:
Appearance: Co-Ed Confidential, Series 1: “Clothing Optional” (2007)
Characters: Karen & Jeb
I’m struggling to remember if I’ve ever mentioned Michelle Maylene before. She’s certainly hot enough. Her character, Karen, graduates from “the party girl” in the first series to “the hottie” by the third, so although there’s no development of character there, at least her tagline is different. She also has a lot more sex in later series, including a continuous lesbian storyline in series two; in the first, sex with Karen is a rarely-seen spectacle.
I haven’t mentioned Moulton either, as I have absolutely no idea who he is. He appears as “Jeb” (this is American, see?) in two episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and then vanishes. His profile on IMDb doesn’t mention any other work and I have no idea what his real name is. Maybe he’s related to Judy Moulton… probably not, though; that’d be all types of coincidence.
Anyway.
This scene takes place in the shower. Lovable, beautiful party girl Karen is getting naked with horny idiot Jeb. It actually starts out with both of them naked (this is a Co-Ed Confidential trope; they may as well have called this episode “Clothing Not Necessary” for all they do), with Jeb kissing his way down Karen’s body. She’s wet, her hair certainly is; Jeb appears bone-dry, but who really knows?
The central crux of the scene itself is that Jeb is giving Karen head while she showers. That’s about it. It doesn’t really go anywhere else – I was expecting simulated sex, which has already happened once in this episode, but we don’t get any.
What we do get, and this is important, are shots of an increasingly shiny Karen accompanied by the back of Jed’s head. At certain points she’s standing up; at some, she may well be on a shower seat. The shower décor is very… well, shower-y; there’s even one of those spongy things that doesn’t really work. The water stays on, as well, throughout the entire scene.
This is a more radical thing than you’d think. In a lot of these – the ones in Emmanuelle in Space leap to mind – the water mysteriously turns itself off after a while, so the characters can have sex in the bath. Here, not only are they not having sex, but they’ve left the water on (or at least the sound effect is going on).
Which reminds me. As well as the continuing tinklesplash of the shower, we get a soundtrack to this too. Michelle Maylene’s moans and gasps (which are plentiful, and loud) wrestle for prominence with a catchy pop song which I don’t recognise. A quick Google of the lyrics doesn’t reveal anything either, which makes me wonder if it was the creation of the programme itself. The theme tune, Never Better Than Me, has never had a band credited for its performance either.
The more I think about it, the more I’m coming round to the opinion that Co-Ed Confidential has one of the best soundtracks from soft porn. There’s an essay in that somewhere…
“That was a big splash,” says Karen, because of course she does.
There’s an epilogue to this, too. Freddy (who has a crush on Karen) walks in on them towelling off. Her excuse for the presence of a naked Jed is that he was fixing her plumbing; his classic exhortation that Freddy take a picture is his last line in everything ever, and he disappears into the nethersphere having mysteriously gained a shirt.
Why, then, this short scene, without sex and a fairly forgettable, if hunky, male lead? Is it sexy? Is it worthwhile? Does it make me horny, which is basically the point of this entire meme? It certainly bears no relation to the rest of the episode (it’s mostly abut stripping).
Well, yes. Karen has always been my favourite character in the series. Her cheerful, carefree sexiness is addictive and charming. Michelle Maylene herself is absolutely beautiful, too. A wonderful body, pretty face, lovely tummy piercing and great hair (wet or not!), she is a sight to behold. She’s a great actor, too – believable, and putting in a huge amount of effort.
And sexy moans.
Which is, I suppose, one reason we need to keep track of side characters. They all have their part to play, and it’s often those that get the best reaction. Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf, Big Mac in My Little Pony and Larry Duff in Father Ted are all incidental characters that made a return due to audience appreciation. So why not Karen in Co-Ed Confidential? She certainly has something to do.
If only she could eventually find some clothes.
