Category: Memes (Page 1 of 7)

Do people really want to have sex with men just because they have a larger-than-average penis? It seems like a fairly suspicious trope to hang an entire plot on. It’s also probably not very realistic; I’ve got an UNUSUALLY LARGE PENIS and I went through an incredibly long period of nobody wanting to have sex with me.

I find it a more realistic assumption that women may want to have sex with Ron Jeremy because he’s Ron Jeremy. He’s big, he’s famous, he’s funny, he’s more talented than you think he is, and he does a rap in Emmanuelle in Wonderland, but we’ll ignore that.

The fact that he’s on this playing himself is also an incredibly Ron Jeremy thing to do. Massive dick or not – this is the ultimate self-insert fanfiction in televisual form, matched perhaps only by Nicolas Cage in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent.

Appearance: Black Tie Nights, Series 1: “The Legend” (2004)
Characters: Sandy & Ron Jeremy

I had to look Black Tie Nights up as I’m not over-familiar with the concept, but from memory: it’s an anthology series with the link being a dating agency, the eponymous Black Tie Nights, run by Cooper Snow and Olivia Hartley (Tiffany Hendra and Amy Lindsay respectively). The stories revolve around the people who hire their services – a bit like Bedtime Stories, although this one doesn’t have Kim Dawson as Belle continually getting her kit off. As much as I enjoy those bits, you understand.

In this episode we get Ron “Ron Jeremy” Jeremy, bored with women sleeping with him because he has a huge dong, asking the agency to find him someone with whom he can find a genuine connection – he wants brains as well as beauty – and a personality to match. (If only he could manage that without having sex he’d be a perfect candidate for Too Hot To Handle.)

Sucks to be him, then, as everyone still appears to be interested in his dingaling. This scene even begins with Sandy (Danielle “Kennedy Johnston” Petty, who in keeping with the script should be playing someone called Kennedy Johnston, but isn’t) feeling it. Ron, of course, is classically erudite:

I don’t want to sound crude or anything, but most women cringe a little when they put their hands on it.

Ron “Ron Jeremy” Jeremy as Ron Jeremy

There’s some more dialogue after this, which I won’t repost here as it contains preconceived notions about both Mediterraneans and mathematicians, but it’s all delivered believably enough, and I am somewhat entranced by the way Petty’s nose moves as she’s talking. She’s certainly very pretty, but it’s the nose I’m really interested in.

No, I can’t explain that any further. Let’s press on.

The actual “sex scene” bit of this sex scene starts at 00:30 of the slip I’ve got, but it moves along fairly swiftly. There’s a kiss, disrobing, and oral sex by 00:52. All very efficient.

I’ve never seen Ron Jeremy do softcore before and I do have to say he’s not too bad at it, although for the majority of this he doesn’t do much apart from remain between Sandy’s thighs, and the camera remains trained on Petty, who has a lot more to do: moan, flail, kick, and play the piano backwards.

Oh yes, I should have mentioned this earlier: Ron is eating Sandy out on a piano. Part of her rôle here is to play random jarring notes with her flailing hands, which both add to and distract from the actual scene music (a generic thing with a drum beat and piano chords, nothing special, but it’s not meant to be). Danielle Petty herself is also being musical in her own way, and by 01:58 Sandy appears to be having an orgasm, which would usually be the end of a scene.

“CLANG,” says the piano as entwined hands herald the start of a doggy style scene done in a curious way reminiscent of the Zoom call I was on the other night. It does eventually switch to a full-screen shot in which they mostly appear to be doing it standing up, accompanied by a muffled “whuh” from Ron which made me chuckle. More vocalisations from Sandy, a bit of thrusting from Ron and continued dischordant piano banging are the order of the day for the remainder of the scene, and the whole thing ends with another presumably screaming orgasm (she certainly is screaming).

While she comes down Ron plays a little six-note melody on the piano, which I suppose is one way to finish.

So what do I think about this scene? Well, I certainly like Danielle Petty as Sandy. She’s attractive, flexible, gung-ho, and, upon my life, is this woman loud. Whether or not the script called for it or the actress herself decided to scream like a banshee I’m not sure, but the amount of noise she’s making here really does make you believe she’s enjoying herself.

The piano thing isn’t exactly new – ten years prior to this the same thing was done in Emmanuelle: QotG – but it certainly adds something to the bump’n’grind, even if that thing is decidedly avant-garde. The scenery is pretty good too – a nice collection of things in the room, from peacock feathers to glassware to some very nice-looking lamps. Overall, it works.

However…

There really isn’t a lot of Ron Jeremy in this scene. He’s certainly involved enough, but doesn’t get a lot to do except pleasure Sandy, and for half of that you don’t even see his face! While I will admit that I’d much rather see her body, and this is softcore so we’re never going to really see his Jonathan Thomas Esq., this is Ron Jeremy! Wouldn’t you think there’d be a little more focus on him? He’s the main character!

Still, can’t complain. This is playful and sexy and there’s a piano in it, and I’ve never seen Ron do softcore before, so now I’ve experienced practically everything.

[And with thanks to the reader who suggested this scene.]

I’ve never really been too sure as to how I feel about Kim Yates. As much as she is a very attractive lady, and her acting is sound, I’m not entirely sure whether or not I’m very much of a fan. Admittedly, she has done less that a lot of her contemporary peers (although more than some – for her co-star here, Brucio D’Luria, this is his only credit outside of his “other” name Bruce Lurie), and maybe it’s the scenes themselves that aren’t to my taste. Let’s see if this one can change my mind.

Appearance: Nightcap, Series 1: “Forbidden Lust” (2000)
Characters: Kim & Tom

I don’t really know Nightcap either. Having a look on IMDb seems to suggest that I should, with a stacked cast including Tane McClure, Nikki Fritz, Stella Porter, Regina Russell, David Christensen and “good ol’ Jason Schnuit”.

All the hits, darling. All the hits.

Even the concept sounds appealing. A rotating cast of regulars, plus sexy guest stars, in a continuing drama series in which every episode ends with hot lovemaking. What’s not to like? And yes, it still managed to pass me by; living in the UK does that. I’ve never seen Zane’s The Jump Off either. We wouldn’t have gotten Emmanuelle in Space were it not for L!VE TV.

Anyway, this episode has a very simple plot, so here we go. Tom (D’Luria) has been sleeping with his best friend’s wife and feeling hella guilty about it. Eventually he explains his woes to series regular Nikki (McClure), and ends up on a date with – and then shagging – Kim (Kim). Wildly original casting there, guys.

One thing I’ll say for Nightcap: it doesn’t mess around with starting off. From what I can see in this scene, either Kim and Tom don’t own too many clothes or they’ve not bothered to show any disrobing. There are only seventeen seconds of foreplay as well – and even that’s nothing more than touching and a bit of body heat.

[ILB is of the opinion that, in real life, longer foreplay is much better. His personal opinion used to revolve around the idea that if you haven’t licked her to orgasm at least once before penetrating her you’re not doing it right. While that may no longer be the case, he still yearns to lick someone to orgasm prove his theory. In softcore, too much of it frustrates him.]

Anyway, yes, 17 mere seconds in and Kim magically loses what’s left of her garments and is merrily riding away, with a nice fluidity in her body and acceptable camera work. We also get a wide shot of the room at this point, which looks both functional and like something neither of them could ever afford. Bed without pillows doesn’t look too comfortable, but again, Kim and Tom don’t appear to mind this rather obvious gaping flaw. I wonder if they’re distracted by something.

Kim does quite a lot of sex on top during this scene, and she does it quite well. As I’ve said before, her movements are quite fluxional; there’s a rhythm to proceedings, and she has nice boobs and a well-defined stomach, which both… help?… I don’t have much to say about Tom though, at least initially. Not only is D’Luria a generic square-headed warm body to fill space, the camera doesn’t even seem to like him! We barely see his face here. I’ve had to take a screenshot to prove he exists!

At 01:16, the scene mixes to Kim in the reverse cowgirl position, so she can ride without looking at Tom’s face, and once again we get similar movements with a few added shots of Kim’s bum. That’s all I have to say about this.

There’s a welcome switch at 02:04, however. For the first half of this scene, Kim has been very much the star, but we get another mix (clearly the preferred mode of transition) to good old-fashioned lusty missionary. This time it’s Tom doing the movements, although he’s just moving back and forth. While Kim manages to keep the audience’s attention throughout (through some clever positioning of her legs), he’s not doing such a bad job, and both do look like they are very much enjoying themselves.

It ends with a fade to black because OF COURSE IT DOES.

There’s very little to dislike here. It’s short, but does a lot with its 02:47 runtime. The setting is quite chic, the sex is intense and even the acting – as far as I can tell – is believable. Even the soundtrack is good; I originally found it a little bland, but a drum beat comes in halfway through, which helps to drive things forwards. They’re even making all the right noises.

So, as it turns out, I do quite like Kim Yates. She still isn’t, and probably never will be, my favourite softcore star – but, in this specific scene, she is sexy, she is active, and she shines!

When I need it, it’s always there for me.

Appearance: Virgins of Sherwood Forest (2000)
Characters: Ondrea & Alvin

One of the things I like the most – that scratches an itch as I rub one out – is how I’m always noticing new things about the scenes I like. Things I think I know backwards still find ways to surprise – there’s something about the décor, the dialogue, the characters, mise en scène, or even the motions of the sex itself that will find a new way to beguile me.

Virgins of Sherwood Forest is one such film. Up until recently I didn’t notice that Horatio puts one foot up on a chair during what is admittedly my favourite sex scene ever. In this one… possibly my second favourite sex scene ever, although I wouldn’t know about that… there are certainly a few things I have noticed. Let me share them with you.

This is the first sex scene in the film (and it happens very quickly, as well – thanks, Surrender), and it’s a classic. The framing device for the story involves a music video being made for “a rock star who’s here but you can’t find”. Said rock star, Alvin (Brian Heidik, credited here as “Dave Roth” and now working as a used car salesman), genuinely doesn’t want to be found. When he eventually is, it’s by sexy sexy sexy makeup artist Ondrea (yes, seriously, Ondrea, not Andrea), played by sexy sexy sexy sex on legs level sexy Amber Newman, who is very sexy indeed.

THING I’VE NOTICED: Ondrea is named after a real person, the actual makeup artist for Virgins of Sherwood Forest. The more you know…

After a bit of moderate flirting (not bad acting, actually, from the actors involved here; Brian Heidik is believable as self-centred Alvin) ending with the incredibly cringey lines

ALVIN: Have you seen my six-shooter?
ONDREA: You’re not wearing a gun.
ALVIN: Well, who said anything about a gun?

the result is a foregone conclusion. While the rest of the crew tie themselves in knots looking for Alvin, he’s busy making love to Ondrea backstage, and who can blame him? She’s played by Amber Newman.

As sex scenes go, it’s fairly routine, but as I’ve said above, it’s the little details that make it. Alvin and Ondrea share a knowing smile; he pulls her to him, they melt into a kiss, the music chimes in and they start disrobing.

THING I’VE NOTICED: Alvin pulls her forwards by her belt buckle (which is later unbuckled). It’s a way of indicating his intentions without saying.

OTHER THING I’VE NOTICED: The first stab of electric guitar coincides perfectly with Alvin cupping Ondrea’s bum, and her slap keeping his hand in place!

This is rock music, actual rock music, and even though there are no lyrics, I can totally believe this is one of Alvin’s songs. As a bonus Thing I’ve Noticed, when they cut back to the crew on set, the song is playing through the speakers, so there’s no interruption to it – very clever!

I also like the way they get their clothes off – Ondrea even removes her hair clip at the very start. It’s swift, but steady – not too short, not too long. It’s even broken up at points – Alvin lifts her up onto the table that’s there BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE’S A TABLE THERE, kissing her breasts as he removes her bra. The music shifts again (it’s a middle eight, people! Keep up!) as Ondrea removes her jeans and sinks to deliver a soft porn blowjob, and we get a nice wide shot of them both enjoying themselves.

THING I’VE NOTICED: Behind Alvin is a camera and microphone setup pointing at what appears to be a bluescreen. As Alvin is going to be appearing as various characters in his video, is this for the spaceman fantasy later on?

And then my favourite bit happens and I forget about everything else. Ondrea, once again on the table, is smoothly and sexily taking pelvic thrusts from Alvin, one arm supporting herself while the other runs through her hair (or holds Alvin’s shoulder; it changes from shot to shot). Her bare legs are wrapped around his waist and she is pulling a face ranging from keen to unconcerned – like “yeah, I’m having sex with this famous rock star, what of it, bitchezzz?”.

THING I’VE NOTICED: The light behind them is positioned between their bodies. Not only does this illuminate them against a busy background, but it appears to emanate from their crotches, where they are what I used to term “connected”.

The last Bit of Sex™ happens in the standing doggie position (71, I think? Alvin is leaning over a bit too much to represent a straight 1, but I’m fairly sure that’s what this is). While I will admit that this isn’t as hot as the previous Bit of Sex™, there’s a fair amount of energy, and you get to see Amber Newman’s fingernails, which have been done nicely, so there’s that too.

Like I said, details.

THING I NOTICED OVER A DECADE AGO, BUT I DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE EVER HAS: At exactly 03:26, Amber Newman briefly rolls her eyes. Whether this is intentional “I’m enjoying the sex!” or an accidental “Christ alive, this is taking a while…” I’ve no idea, but it gets me every time!

There’s even a bit which clearly indicates orgasm, and a cooling-off period during which Ondrea and Alvin share one final kiss. She’s even touching up his makeup in the following scene.

But for all the minutiae, and my bluster and overenthusiasm (commission me to write a BFI guide to softcore YOU ABSOLUTE COWARDS), this is a scene which (like the rest of Virgins of Sherwood Forest) is impossible to dislike. The setting, the iconic rock soundtrack, the infectiousness of the characters and the commitment the actors put into it – and, as a bonus, one of them is Amber Newman (plus the plot device, including the crew standing a few metres away and not knowing what is happening!)! There is genuinely very little to criticise here, and that’s rare, even in this genre, for which we can make exceptions.

Plus, I got to watch this all over again to write this, so I hope you don’t notice too much of what I’m about to do…

For a couple of decades now, I’ve been looking for a shower scene in something possibly called B-Movie Classix (although that was the wraparound L!VE TV used when it temporarily replaced Exotica Erotica, so I can’t be sure). I remember the scene, though – a detective-type character having sex with a horny, large-breasted female suspect, shower raining down on them, her boobs pressed against the glass as the camera rotated slowly around them.

If you twisted my arm, I’d have to admit that (with the above as an exception) shower scenes aren’t really my thing. I’ve never had sex in the shower myself, despite trying to work out the logistics; to all intents and purposes, these are said to be very difficult scenes to film.

But what if one were to film a shower scene with no actual sex? Would that work? No idea. Let’s see. Step forward, then:

Appearance: Co-Ed Confidential, Series 1: “Clothing Optional” (2007)
Characters: Karen & Jeb

I’m struggling to remember if I’ve ever mentioned Michelle Maylene before. She’s certainly hot enough. Her character, Karen, graduates from “the party girl” in the first series to “the hottie” by the third, so although there’s no development of character there, at least her tagline is different. She also has a lot more sex in later series, including a continuous lesbian storyline in series two; in the first, sex with Karen is a rarely-seen spectacle.

I haven’t mentioned Moulton either, as I have absolutely no idea who he is. He appears as “Jeb” (this is American, see?) in two episodes of Co-Ed Confidential and then vanishes. His profile on IMDb doesn’t mention any other work and I have no idea what his real name is. Maybe he’s related to Judy Moulton… probably not, though; that’d be all types of coincidence.

Anyway.

This scene takes place in the shower. Lovable, beautiful party girl Karen is getting naked with horny idiot Jeb. It actually starts out with both of them naked (this is a Co-Ed Confidential trope; they may as well have called this episode “Clothing Not Necessary” for all they do), with Jeb kissing his way down Karen’s body. She’s wet, her hair certainly is; Jeb appears bone-dry, but who really knows?

The central crux of the scene itself is that Jeb is giving Karen head while she showers. That’s about it. It doesn’t really go anywhere else – I was expecting simulated sex, which has already happened once in this episode, but we don’t get any.

What we do get, and this is important, are shots of an increasingly shiny Karen accompanied by the back of Jed’s head. At certain points she’s standing up; at some, she may well be on a shower seat. The shower décor is very… well, shower-y; there’s even one of those spongy things that doesn’t really work. The water stays on, as well, throughout the entire scene.

This is a more radical thing than you’d think. In a lot of these – the ones in Emmanuelle in Space leap to mind – the water mysteriously turns itself off after a while, so the characters can have sex in the bath. Here, not only are they not having sex, but they’ve left the water on (or at least the sound effect is going on).

Which reminds me. As well as the continuing tinklesplash of the shower, we get a soundtrack to this too. Michelle Maylene’s moans and gasps (which are plentiful, and loud) wrestle for prominence with a catchy pop song which I don’t recognise. A quick Google of the lyrics doesn’t reveal anything either, which makes me wonder if it was the creation of the programme itself. The theme tune, Never Better Than Me, has never had a band credited for its performance either.

The more I think about it, the more I’m coming round to the opinion that Co-Ed Confidential has one of the best soundtracks from soft porn. There’s an essay in that somewhere…

“That was a big splash,” says Karen, because of course she does.

There’s an epilogue to this, too. Freddy (who has a crush on Karen) walks in on them towelling off. Her excuse for the presence of a naked Jed is that he was fixing her plumbing; his classic exhortation that Freddy take a picture is his last line in everything ever, and he disappears into the nethersphere having mysteriously gained a shirt.

Why, then, this short scene, without sex and a fairly forgettable, if hunky, male lead? Is it sexy? Is it worthwhile? Does it make me horny, which is basically the point of this entire meme? It certainly bears no relation to the rest of the episode (it’s mostly abut stripping).

Well, yes. Karen has always been my favourite character in the series. Her cheerful, carefree sexiness is addictive and charming. Michelle Maylene herself is absolutely beautiful, too. A wonderful body, pretty face, lovely tummy piercing and great hair (wet or not!), she is a sight to behold. She’s a great actor, too – believable, and putting in a huge amount of effort.

And sexy moans.

Which is, I suppose, one reason we need to keep track of side characters. They all have their part to play, and it’s often those that get the best reaction. Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf, Big Mac in My Little Pony and Larry Duff in Father Ted are all incidental characters that made a return due to audience appreciation. So why not Karen in Co-Ed Confidential? She certainly has something to do.

If only she could eventually find some clothes.

Doing Soft Porn Sundays suggested by readers is always a bit of a challenge. On one hand, occasionally I like the scenes, and it’s always good to add to my (admittedly labyrinthine) knowledge of softcore. On the other, however, I do like the familiarity afforded by actors, writers, directors and series I know. For that reason, when friendly reader SA suggested I do this one (thanks for the recommendation, SA!), I was immediately intrigued.

The reason? Not only am I already aware of the Sex Files series, I am also familiar with some of the names here. Writer Justin Ritter served as production assistant on Emmanuelle in Space and was “second second assistant director” (I’ve never known what that means) on Justine. The cast contains Regina Russell, Nancy O’Brien, Brandy Davis and “good ol’ Jason Schnuit”. It’s even casted by Robert “lots of money but a real dickhead” Lombard and executive produced by an uncredited Alain Siritzky.

This is nice. It’s okay. I’m comfortable with this. I’m home here.

Appearance: Sex Files – Pleasureville (2000)
Characters: Ms. Winters & Ralph Lucky

Like the other flicks in the Sex Files series, a thin plot justifies all the shagging here: a video store is being run by aliens, whose videos brainwash people into having sex with… whoever. It’s not the most involved of storylines, neither is it particularly explained to any great extent quite why they are doing this. Lots of people watch the videos and then have sex and that’s it. That’s pretty much the movie.

Among the milieu of people having random sex we have Ms. Winters (played by von Flotow, credited here as “Michelle Hall”), and Robert Donavan (also a regular) as generic man Ralph Lucky. Lucky (her boss) and Winters are intending to stay “professional”. You know this because Lucky says

How much more professional can we be?

and then proceeds to run the sex tape anyway. A few snatches of repurposed footage from other Sex Files productions happen (seriously, it’s about a second), there’s a gasp, then Winters says, “oh, Mr Lucky”. Mr Lucky responds with “Ms. Winters.” Then they have SEX!!! zOMG I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!!!!!1one

Okay, maybe I skipped a bit. They don’t immediately have sex. They start by kissing and then taking their clothes off (they are both wearing business suits… professional, you see). Winters is wearing a strange and ethically questionable leopard-print bra and knickers combination (I don’t know, but maybe the fact that they match makes it more professional) before delivering…

…what I assume is meant to be a blowjob. Immediately after this is a mix to a scene in which Lucky is still very much wearing shorts. Why he’s wearing shorts under a business suit I have no idea, but that’s okay, because they suddenly and magically vanish the instant he takes off Winters’ underthings. Just as well, really, because she immediately starts riding him.

While doing so she finally takes her bra off. That’s fairly efficient. Professional, in fact.

The cowgirl sex doesn’t really go anywhere, by the way. It lasts for about sixteen seconds before there is an (admittedly clever) transition to missionary sex (filmed as if in one shot – maybe it was…). That doesn’t last too long, either, replaced as it is by Lucky giving her oral sex. At least I think that’s what he’s doing. It’s difficult to tell. That isn’t important, anyway, as they then jump back to missionary sex for five more seconds before there’s more astride and seriously what the fuck’s going on with this scene?

I mean, really. It’s less of a coherent sex scene than it is the component parts of a sex scene edited in an intentionally disjointed way. The latter half of the scene is more of the same – sex in a variety of positions – but the bits are presented with very little clarity and no accounting for continuity. If you’re finding one bit hot, then you’re going to be thrown off after a few seconds anyway, so what’s the point?

The best bit of the scene, by far, has to be the fact that the whole thing is set to a ’90s-esque pop song (evocative of Alanis Morissette or LeAnn Rimes) sung by a professional-sounding woman with a nice enough voice. I’m listening to it while typing this paragraph and, since the actors never utter a sound beyond three very quiet moans, it doesn’t make for that bad listening. (There’s no credit for this on IMDb, so if someone knows who this is, tell me!)

So, yeah. This is a curious scene in a series of films of which I’m otherwise quite fond. It moves forward at a fair clip, the actors are giving it a good go, and the music is great… but it’s confused in its presentation. The little vignettes aren’t long enough to hold any attention (even the lengthier ones make you wonder when they’re going to change). There isn’t even any passion in this, and the scene ends without any reconciliatory dialogue (it could do with some!).

Good idea, and all – and it fits the brief – but it isn’t very…

…wait for it…

…professional!

Be still, my beating heart!

It happens sometimes. I think I know more than I do – I can catalogue most of Passion Cove, put the Confessions films in order, list each of the films in the Emmanuelle series GIVE THE 2024 ONE A UK RELEASE YOU ABSOLUTE COWARDS – and then something blindsides me at the last minute.

Featuring Joe Estevez (brother of Martin Sheen), Don Swayze (brother of Patrick) and Joey Travolta (brother of John) – and bonus Jackie Stallone, Burt Ward, Nikki Fritz and C.C. Costigan – Beach Babes from Beyond is one such thing. I’m genuinely surprised, thinking I knew everything Surrender put out in their entire catalogue… and then I find this!

It even won an AVN Award – I mean…!

Appearance: Beach Babes from Beyond (1993)
Characters: Dave & Xena

Plot-wise, this one follows the standard formula: intergalactic babe Xena (Roxanne Blaze) “borrows” her dad’s ship to go… somewhere… with her two pals Sola (Nicole Posey) and Luna (Tamara Landry) but they run out of fuel, crash-landing in California. Into the mix come three guys (wouldn’t you know it? Three! How fortunate!), Dave, Jerry and Ziggy (Michael Todd Davis, Ken Steadman and Michael Roddy). Sex happens Stuff happens.

There’s some more stuff – Uncle Bud is about to lose his beach house; the beach babes enter the bikini contest to win repair money; the evil fashion designer will stop at nothing to win – but it’s mostly salad dressing. It gives you a plot to cling to (I will admit “we crashed so let’s fuck” is a little flimsy, even for Surrender). Consider, however, that a total of 08:75 – over 11% of this film’s 79:44 runtime – is given over to Baywatch-style bikini-clad beach montages… not to mention the 06:03 bikini contest routine towards the end, and it’s fairly clear somebody thought that whatever they filmed needed a little padding.

In any case, the sex

Although the sequel (yes, there’s a sequel) indicates that all three girls lost their virginity to the guys during the events of this one, you wouldn’t know it. The cut-between-sex montage featuring Jerry, Ziggy, Sola and Luna depicts those beach babes as particularly well-versed in exactly what to do in bed with an Earthling. Maybe it’s Xena who was a virgin. Let’s find out.

Her sex scene with Mike doesn’t actually start too badly. It’s actually fairly romantic, in a way (a “terrible sound design but the dialogue is all right” way): a hissy Xena doesn’t want to leave Mike, but a hissy Mike is insistent that they’ll find a way – quite an LDR, two galaxies away, but maybe they can use Zoom or something.

In any case, their kiss is quite sweet and WHAT THE FUCK JUMP CUT?

This was in full colour with some unobtrusive music! Why is it suddenly blue? Where did their clothes go? Why did somebody suddenly overlay the exact same music from Tales of the Saddle Tramps?

Where even are they, anyway? This isn’t Uncle Bud’s beach hut. Have they suddenly checked into a hotel? What happened to Xena having to get back to her planet before her parents find out she nicked their ship? EXPLAIN, MOVIE! EXPLAIN!!!

All right, so can I make out what’s happening through all the teal tint? After the necessary breast licking, which is definitely the way to go according to every softcore movie ever, we get a fair amount of oral sex. Fair play here: with the exception of Bedtime Stories, not a lot of soft porn attempts to show cunnilingus, but this one dwells on it for quite a while. We have to put up with Davis’ bum, but I’ll let that one go.

What’s less explainable, if one can see at all through the Oxford overlay, is that the scene then mixes to a standard softcore blowjob, with hair getting in the way. Fair enough that Xena may want to be giving a blowjob as she is still a virgin – I’m sure lots of people do, my first girlfriend certainly did – but, unless she is preternaturally talented, shouldn’t it be a little more awkward and experimental than this? Has she been practising on space dildos or something?

You were saying?

Oh yeah, the scene. Well, we do then get missionary penetrative sex through the azure ambience. It starts with a close-up (in which you can genuinely see the sweat on Davis’ back), pulls out to a full-body wide shot and then mixes back, a slow pan to facilitate arse-grabbing. Another mix throws us into doggy style (presumably; it’s very dark and very blue so it’s difficult to see), also shown through a few close-up shots, then sitting up, then riding…

…and we end with a kiss, which would be erotic if I could see the bloody thing!

JUMP CUT WHAT THE FUCK FULL COLOUR? My eyes already hurt enough! What is this, The Krypton Factor?

In any case, that’s the end of the scene. Eighteen more minutes of pissing about on the beach and then they leave Earth. Fantastic.

Why haven’t you made a Xena: Warrior Princess joke yet?

Because I’ve only ever seen one episode. Anyway, yes.

Have I been a bit critical here? Possibly. Full disclosure: all the other sex scenes in Beach Babes from Beyond are a little dark (and in some unspecified location), but this is the only one that’s the colour of my teenage bedroom. It’s a bit of a shame you can’t see much, because Xena is genuinely attractive and Dave is… well, he’s a generic ’90s idiot, but at least a believable ’90s idiot. I remember the ’90s, we all had hair like that.

There’s also a bit of a missed opportunity here. This could be a great scene and something I’d have an orgasm to if there was a better colour scheme to it. It’s got everything I like in it, and even if the music is over-familiar, at least it’s music that works. Neither Xena nor Dave has had any form of full nudity earlier, either, so it’s nice that they finally get to DO IT!

However, the loud music, the cerulean cinematography, and the fact that a jump cut takes us both into and out of the whole shebang does make it all seem a little incongruous. If they’re going to have sex, why not do it outside? California’s certainly warm enough. Why not on the beach, since that’s in the movie’s title? The balcony outside Bud’s hut? Hell, why not Xena’s ship? It’s just sitting there not doing anything!

But the one thing I can’t get past (and this genuinely is just me, but it’s my blog, so…) is how smooth the sex is! The sequel clearly states that this was Xena’s first time! My first time was a few minutes of clumsy cowgirl after it took me ages to get it up! How is she suddenly able to do everything, including three different sex positions, when all she had to get her going was thirty seconds of foreplay?

I call intergalactic bullshit!

It happens, occasionally. You’re investigating something, you find out what you’re looking for at the bottom of a page hidden down the back of the Internet, and then that leads you somewhere else, and suddenly you discover the entire oeuvre of an actor and director named Paul Thomas.

Nicknamed P.T., Thomas is married to Judy Epstein, and has produced such pieces of cinematic history as Live!!! Nude!!! Girls!!! (2010) and Orgy: The XXX Championship (2011). He’s also Saint Peter, according to Jesus Christ Superstar (1973).

So why he wasn’t credited for this after playing the first ever Pope is a bit of a mystery…

Appearance: Emanuelle, Perché violenza alle donne?, aka Confessions of Emanuelle, aka Emanuelle Around the World (1977)
Characters: Emanuelle & Ivory Vanlines Driver

It’s probably best to also repeat the same thing everyone known by now: this isn’t an official Emmanuelle film (of course it isn’t; there’s only one N in the character’s name). It’s part of the (Italian) Black Emanuelle series starring Laura Gemser (who isn’t black), and like many others in the series, it has a scary title (Why violence against women?) and very little plot to speak of.

I mean that this time. There’s little other than a few different vignettes in exotic locales. You could come in at any time. It could be a loop.

The setup’s quite good, though. Emanuelle fare-dodges her way around the world sleeping with various people. She manages to take in San Francisco, New York, India, Hong Kong, Italy, San Francisco again, and the Middle East, all while foiling people-trafficking, forced bestiality and a guru who makes false claims. Mostly without wearing much.

I suppose that explains the Around the World title and Why violence against women?. Where the Confessions bit comes in I’m not sure. Maybe she’s going to admit all her sins to a Catholic priest. I mean, Saint Peter is right there. Get onto it, P.T.

Right, so. In a teaser to the actual movie we are treated to a sex scene between hedonistic photojournalist Emanuelle (Gemser) and a nameless, uncredites and largely merit-free trucker (P.T.) in the back of his truck. She’s going to ‘Frisco, see, and apparently the best way to hitch a lift with someone is to shag him, so that’s what she does.

Genius.

The scene, and therefore the whole film, starts with feet. That shouldn’t be much of a surprise; to anyone who’s seen these things, it’s a Black Emanuelle film so you know what you’re in for. You’ll get a number of edited cuts of nudity put together to indicate sex with a repetitive piece of music overlaid. Any bare skin is a good way to start, so why not naked feet? It’s also quite fortunate that P.T.’s truck is used for long-hauling furniture, as there’s a convenient bed for them to use.

Of course, this is an example of LUCK! It’s so INCREDIBLY LUCKY that there’s a fully made bed in his truck!! What a LUCKY thing to happen!!!

Anyway, where was I? Yes. This is a Black Emanuelle film so you’re going to get a lot of quick cuts. There’s plenty of kissing, rubbing and nudity, and you see P.T.’s bum quite a lot, but I’m fairly certain that up until 01:03 there isn’t any actual sex going on. We certainly get some, in the end – nineteen seconds of missionary action with P.T. on top, Laura Gemser grabbing at his abundant behind and slow, but steady, movement.

There are even some occasional sound effects, but I’m fairly sure that’s just Laura Gemser breathing. You can’t hear any sex noises anyway, because the most abundant thing here is a bassist playing the same 14 notes over and over again (there was a synth at the beginning, but their budget ran out, or something), joined occasionally by a wind player. Maybe it’s Karolina.

Once the sex is over (I guess; there’s no real indication that it is), there’s a jump cut to P.T. and Emanuelle leaving the truck. They talk a bit, and then he gives her a lift to San Francisco, because of course he does.

So, it’s quite a brief sex scene, it’s poorly-lit, you don’t see much and the music is off-putting… the question remains, then, why does it make me come so hard?

It took me a while to puzzle this out, and I think the answer might be manyfold:

• There’s no indication throughout the scene that this is inside a truck. It could be a warehouse. You only see the truck afterwards when they are leaving it.
• Although the playful banter is awful, you can tell that both P.T. and Emanuelle enjoyed themselves…
• …and that Emanuelle does this sort of thing a lot. I can’t resist someone who so freely and shamelessly has sex with people just because she can.
• The bit where P.T. finds a toothbrush between her boobs (she’s travelling light, y’see?) genuinely made me laugh!

And, overall, it really isn’t a bad scene. The whole reason I’ve chosen this one, as opposed to any of those later in the film, is that I think it’s the best one! It’s very loose, it doesn’t do much, and it’s hardly necessary… but so what? P.T. was an actor needing work, they had a camera crew ready, and Laura Gemser is sort of “effortlessly sexy” (I can’t really define this, she just gives off a vibe).

Plus, Emanuelle is an openly sexual character. That’s central to her character… so why not open with her having sex?

Answers on a postcard…!

You want a swingers’ party
We’ll all chuck in our car keys
Maybe try bukkake
Now it’s always you, and me, and Dave…

You’ve never heard of Monique DeMoan, have you? Maybe you know her by her birth name, Cheyenne August Camarillo? No? How about Cheyenne, the name she’s credited by in Love Exchange?

I’m slightly more familiar with Eddie Jay, although mostly from things like cultural event of the century Hotel Erotica and that absolute cinematic masterpiece Personals 2: CasualSex.com. I couldn’t pick him out of a line-up, though. He’s skilfully also used a pseudonym here: the unidentifiable “Eddy Jay”. Wonderful.

What’s my point in life here? Well, said Claire, if you’ve been following this meme since I started it (or if you’re into soft porn yourself), you may well recognise some of the other names. Holly Sampson is a former Emmanuelle. Shannan Leigh is in a fair few things, including Virgins of Sherwood Forest, with David Usher, who’s also in The Exotic Time Machine 2, with Holly Sampson, who’s in Platinum Blonde, with Stella Porter and Tre Temptor, and Shannan Leigh.

Holly Sampson also once had sex with Tiger Woods. Just throwing that out there.

Appearance: Love Exchange, aka Romance Roulette (2001)
Characters: Lizelle & Ben

Judging by the above and how incestuous this all sounds, it makes complete sense that Love Exchange is all about swapping partners. Jackie (Sampson) and Ben (Jay) are a married couple who move into a new neighbourhood, where they are almost immediately propositioned by the very creepy Lorenzo (Ben Brown, aka Anthony Skordi, who’s now voicing Star Wars video games), who runs a regular “sexual card game” which inevitably results in everyone shagging everyone else.

Except for Helen (Leigh), who doesn’t get to do much, or Bill (Richard Neale), who also doesn’t do anything, or Josh (Usher), who gets about two seconds of sex at one point. Holly Sampson gets her kit off, but even then, most of her sex scenes are with Gloria (Taylor Moore, from pieces of high art like I Love Lesbians 11). In fact, Gloria may as well not wear any clothes, judging by the amount of time she spends enjoying half the cast.

Into this domestic order we throw a new variant: on the first night, Ben draws Lizelle, Lorenzo’s wife, who is more than happy to go into a darkened room with him and yes I can also see where this is going let’s just get on with it shall we

Grab your partner, now let’s swing

Lizelle (who’s very game, it seems) leads Ben to a room which she describes as

It’s so sensuous… so surreal, don’tcha think?

but evidently not sensuous enough, as she proceeds to light nine soft porn candles and a joss stick to add to the ambience. Then, of course, she starts disrobing. Ben, naturally, doesn’t say a word; he just sits there with an inane grin, then starts kissing her while the camera pans around to reveal another twelve candles (do they have shares?), then after a couple of mix shots, we end up with one of those hairy softcore blowjobs.

Moving fast, then. Surrender doesn’t usually do this; their sex scenes usually involve quite a lot of disrobing before getting down to the action. Mind you, this scene is exactly halfway through the film (it’s a genuine mid-point); we’ve seen a lot of sex already, so maybe they’re expecting us to be desensitised by this juncture. I’m not complaining.

The music ratchets up a notch at this point. I think I ought to mention this, as it’s very curious – with various zither-like string arrangements it has an Eastern flavour, but it’s underscored by conga drums and features an electric guitar. It’s hardly the new In The Steppes of Central Asia by Borodin, but it suits the slightly new-agey setting and is sexy enough.

Talking of sexy enough, look at Lizelle. She’s absolutely stunning. There’s a kind of sensuality to her in the way she moves her body and uses her facial expressions which plays off Ben’s generic “hooray, I’m getting laid!” look. She manages to carry herself through the inevitable brief-sucking-nipples bit, end even a slightly overlong rubbing-her-body sequence is sexy.

Sing, sing, sing (with a swing)

The actual sex starts with Lizelle on top, with her riding Ben, her hands on his knees for support (a nice touch) and the cameraman briefly passing out because the shot suddenly angles strangely before righting itself. It’s not hard sex, but there’s a certain type of energy to it, and certainly a rhythm. It isn’t slow, and then neither is the following scene, a mix to doggy style, again with a fair clip of speed, but not too much.

Lizelle even looks over her shoulder to hold Ben’s gaze while he’s at work with the backshots, also a nice touch, and at what is (presumably) the point of orgasm she even bites her lip, not something I’d imagine most softcore actresses would think of (although maybe this was the director’s choice? I don’t know.). It’s all very pacey, very sensual, and nice to look at.

For a movie with so many scenes, why did I pick this one? Because it’s the one I keep coming back to. Love Exchange is a relatively new discovery for me and it’s practically packed with sex – there was plenty for me in the pic’n’mix. This one stands out because:

• the setting is pretty
• the music is pretty
• the cinematography is pretty
• Monique DeMoan is incredibly pretty
• Eddie Jay is… all right, actually

Swing and a miss

That isn’t to say that all the other scenes in Love Exchange are lacklustre. Most of them are good for a wank, or at least worth a watch. In fact, if you’re going to seek this out I would recommend you watch the entire thing from beginning to end, as it all makes a lot more sense that way. It gives the Surrender cast a chance to act, a rare occurrence. There’s clearly been a lot of thought put into the plot. Even some of the characters are fairly rounded, which adds a bit of weight to the “who are these people and why are they having sex?” background, which I need.

And, of course, now I’m going to go and seek out more things with Monique DeMoan in.

You know, for research.