Love, sex and interminable pop-culture references


[Girl on IRC] I’d like to have you in the shower…
[ILB on IRC] That might be quite tricky.

[Girl on IRC] Maybe the bath?
[ILB on IRC] I have had sex in the bath…

While I didn’t go into details, that statement was indeed true. I have had sex in the bath. It was, like I imagine shower sex to be, incredibly difficult.

I can’t really take baths (although I can have sex next to them). My skin doesn’t like warm water – it tends to flare up on contact – so I can’t have a long soak in a bath, play with Matey like I used to as a small child, or post those obnoxious “here are my legs in the bath” selfies that unreasonably hot women on Instagram do. The last time I actually took a bath, I itched so much that I swore, rolled out onto the bathroom floor, and cried for a while wishing I could peel my skin off and send it to a lab for dermatological testing.

Sex in the bath happened a few years earlier.

The fact that it was a success I can attribute to the fact that my girlfriend at the time was very short. As anyone who’s met me can attest, I’m tall, and trying to position myself on top of someone the same height – while remaining in a confined space, as opposed to a double bed or somesuch – would have been a logistical nightmare.

But, this way, it was easier. I drew the bath myself; she settled herself into the water, relaxing against the far end with her legs (which only reached part of the way to the tap end) spread. I got in, my feet up over the taps (the only way I would fit), positioned myself the same way I usually did when we had sex, and after I got consent, slid into her.

The sex itself was quick and dirty, if not the most comfortable. All the familiar sensations were there – the throb of my cock inside her, the tightness of her inner walls around my shaft, the softness of her folds as they pulled back – the water was just an extra bonus. Even our movements were familiar; the water itself made a pleasing slosh with every thrust, and there was more of a slap of body-against-body contact. It just didn’t feel majorly different.

What was different was the fact that I was increasingly stiff throughout (my whole body, not just…). I was jammed into a confined space which, while it fit my 5’2″ girlfriend, wasn’t really optimised for me. After a few minutes of passionate thrusting, I wasn’t really feeling it any more, and she was more than happy to get out and have sex on the bathroom floor, for which I was grateful.

We then decided, in our infinite wisdom, to go to her bedroom and have sex there as well – which we did. This time, we both came – she shuddered and jerked and sighed beneath me; I tensed up, reared back and shot rope after rope of cum into her, and we collapsed, together, into a happy, sticky mess atop her crumpled bedsheets.

“I need a bath,” she said after a while.
“Oh, right,” I replied. “I’ll go and draw you one.”
“No need,” she said, looking around for a towel. “I think it’s full already.”


  1. Mrs Fever

    The logistics of bathtub/shower sex have always been complicated beyond my level of give-a-damn. *laugh*

    Hot tubs are easier. And large jetted tubs. But really, it’s still difficult.

    And I’m much too interested in my own comfort to put myself to the trouble anymore. πŸ˜›

    This was a delightful read though. πŸ™‚

    • Innocent Loverboy

      I’ve kind-of had sex in a hot tub (I’m reticent to call it a jacuzzi because it probably wasn’t made by Jacuzzi, although it was billed as such), insofar as there was genital-to-genital contact and orgasms happened – but there wasn’t full-on penetration. I guess that counts as sex, right?

      Strangely enough, my skin doesn’t mind hot tubs or swimming pools (or the sea, for that matter), so I’m able to stay in those for much longer than your average bath – whether for an illicit shag with someone pretty or not!

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