The word was displayed on the screen in huge, bold white letters. In the background some stock footage showed an idyllic, empty beach. There came a whoosh as a wave made its way across the vista.

“Sun,” said a sultry female voice, possibly for the benefit of partially-sighted viewers, but I suspect not so.

Where’s this going? I wondered.


Anakin Skywalker telling Padmé Naberrie Amidala that he doesn't like sand.
You and me both, Anakin.

I’ve never been a fan of sand. I mean, I used to own a sandpit when I was a very young child, and I’m sure I’ve built sandcastles in my time.

But I’ve never really liked it. I find sitting on beaches, in particular, incredibly boring. I once went on holiday near a beach, and left Robinson et al. there while I went into the town to find a postcard to write (and a plastic bag to protect my Walkman so I could actually listen to something).

Gone off on a tangent there. Fantastic.

Whoosh, said the sea.

“Sand,” said the sultry female voice.

I think I might know where this is going


This one blindsided me. I was genuinely expecting SEA. Maybe someone decided that SURF was more enticing. I’ve never been able to surf.

The stock footage aptly shifted to a picture of some large, cresting waves.



If this isn’t going where I think it is, I daresay I shall scream.


Called it.

…”and sex,” said the sultry woman. I could practically hear her grin.

The scene cut immediately to a montage of clips from sex scenes which I didn’t recognise then and still don’t, the whoosh replaced with generic electric guitar riffs.

“Babewatch,” she continued, “with Exotica Erotica. Here at 10:30pm, only on L!VE TV.”

This was exciting. I was already well aware of Exotica Erotica, but it had only really ever shown bog-standard softcore erotic thrillers like Mirror Images, Animal Instincts or Indecent Behaviour. The best stuff we got ranged from Leaving Scars to the Emmanuelle series, and even that bore the Exotica Erotica wraparound.

But this trailer suggested that there would be new stuff. Perhaps beach-themed stuff. I could get down with that. I’d even shrug off my dislike of sand if there was sex involved. From the second I saw, it looked like the first sex scene featured took place in a beach hut, which piqued my interest. On account of the fact that the episode that night was yet another repeat of Sins of the Night, I assumed the new stuff was forthcoming.

But, gentle reader, that’s not what got my attention.

As a teen, my attention was grabbed by the word “SEX” in huge letters on a television screen. The indication that something as humdrum as a day on the beach could be linked to something as desirable as sexual intercourse was what really got me. And so, every time that trailer came on, I would immediately sit up, paying the closest attention to every whoosh of the sea, huge white text and soft female voice.

Waiting, with no small amount of glee, for the SEX.

It was as close as I was going to get, anyway.