When I need it, it’s always there for me.
Appearance: Virgins of Sherwood Forest (2000)
Characters: Ondrea & Alvin
One of the things I like the most – that scratches an itch as I rub one out – is how I’m always noticing new things about the scenes I like. Things I think I know backwards still find ways to surprise – there’s something about the décor, the dialogue, the characters, mise en scène, or even the motions of the sex itself that will find a new way to beguile me.
Virgins of Sherwood Forest is one such film. Up until recently I didn’t notice that Horatio puts one foot up on a chair during what is admittedly my favourite sex scene ever. In this one… possibly my second favourite sex scene ever, although I wouldn’t know about that… there are certainly a few things I have noticed. Let me share them with you.
This is the first sex scene in the film (and it happens very quickly, as well – thanks, Surrender), and it’s a classic. The framing device for the story involves a music video being made for “a rock star who’s here but you can’t find”. Said rock star, Alvin (Brian Heidik, credited here as “Dave Roth” and now working as a used car salesman), genuinely doesn’t want to be found. When he eventually is, it’s by sexy sexy sexy makeup artist Ondrea (yes, seriously, Ondrea, not Andrea), played by sexy sexy sexy sex on legs level sexy Amber Newman, who is very sexy indeed.
THING I’VE NOTICED: Ondrea is named after a real person, the actual makeup artist for Virgins of Sherwood Forest. The more you know…
After a bit of moderate flirting (not bad acting, actually, from the actors involved here; Brian Heidik is believable as self-centred Alvin) ending with the incredibly cringey lines
ALVIN: Have you seen my six-shooter?
ONDREA: You’re not wearing a gun.
ALVIN: Well, who said anything about a gun?
the result is a foregone conclusion. While the rest of the crew tie themselves in knots looking for Alvin, he’s busy making love to Ondrea backstage, and who can blame him? She’s played by Amber Newman.
As sex scenes go, it’s fairly routine, but as I’ve said above, it’s the little details that make it. Alvin and Ondrea share a knowing smile; he pulls her to him, they melt into a kiss, the music chimes in and they start disrobing.
THING I’VE NOTICED: Alvin pulls her forwards by her belt buckle (which is later unbuckled). It’s a way of indicating his intentions without saying.
OTHER THING I’VE NOTICED: The first stab of electric guitar coincides perfectly with Alvin cupping Ondrea’s bum, and her slap keeping his hand in place!
This is rock music, actual rock music, and even though there are no lyrics, I can totally believe this is one of Alvin’s songs. As a bonus Thing I’ve Noticed, when they cut back to the crew on set, the song is playing through the speakers, so there’s no interruption to it – very clever!
I also like the way they get their clothes off – Ondrea even removes her hair clip at the very start. It’s swift, but steady – not too short, not too long. It’s even broken up at points – Alvin lifts her up onto the table that’s there BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE’S A TABLE THERE, kissing her breasts as he removes her bra. The music shifts again (it’s a middle eight, people! Keep up!) as Ondrea removes her jeans and sinks to deliver a soft porn blowjob, and we get a nice wide shot of them both enjoying themselves.
THING I’VE NOTICED: Behind Alvin is a camera and microphone setup pointing at what appears to be a bluescreen. As Alvin is going to be appearing as various characters in his video, is this for the spaceman fantasy later on?
And then my favourite bit happens and I forget about everything else. Ondrea, once again on the table, is smoothly and sexily taking pelvic thrusts from Alvin, one arm supporting herself while the other runs through her hair (or holds Alvin’s shoulder; it changes from shot to shot). Her bare legs are wrapped around his waist and she is pulling a face ranging from keen to unconcerned – like “yeah, I’m having sex with this famous rock star, what of it, bitchezzz?”.
THING I’VE NOTICED: The light behind them is positioned between their bodies. Not only does this illuminate them against a busy background, but it appears to emanate from their crotches, where they are what I used to term “connected”.
The last Bit of Sex™ happens in the standing doggie position (71, I think? Alvin is leaning over a bit too much to represent a straight 1, but I’m fairly sure that’s what this is). While I will admit that this isn’t as hot as the previous Bit of Sex™, there’s a fair amount of energy, and you get to see Amber Newman’s fingernails, which have been done nicely, so there’s that too.
Like I said, details.
THING I NOTICED OVER A DECADE AGO, BUT I DON’T THINK ANYONE ELSE EVER HAS: At exactly 03:26, Amber Newman briefly rolls her eyes. Whether this is intentional “I’m enjoying the sex!” or an accidental “Christ alive, this is taking a while…” I’ve no idea, but it gets me every time!
There’s even a bit which clearly indicates orgasm, and a cooling-off period during which Ondrea and Alvin share one final kiss. She’s even touching up his makeup in the following scene.
But for all the minutiae, and my bluster and overenthusiasm (commission me to write a BFI guide to softcore YOU ABSOLUTE COWARDS), this is a scene which (like the rest of Virgins of Sherwood Forest) is impossible to dislike. The setting, the iconic rock soundtrack, the infectiousness of the characters and the commitment the actors put into it – and, as a bonus, one of them is Amber Newman (plus the plot device, including the crew standing a few metres away and not knowing what is happening!)! There is genuinely very little to criticise here, and that’s rare, even in this genre, for which we can make exceptions.
Plus, I got to watch this all over again to write this, so I hope you don’t notice too much of what I’m about to do…
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