JS: How did the flat viewing go?
ILB: Oh, yeah, good. Lucie (our agent, who looks like Chelsea Clinton) is going to send me a form to fill in. I think we can get it. I hope we can get it.
JS: All right. Tell me more when I get home.

There wasn’t anything more to tell when they got home. Lucie had clearly clocked off for the day and, since we’d been ghosted by one agency already after a viewing, this didn’t bode too well. (I actually got the form from her this morning, so maybe there’s a chance here.)

“Why did you think to say she looked like Chelsea Clinton?”
“That’s more of a guess. I mean, she does look a bit like Chelsea; she’s tall, blonde and pretty. But she’s got the wrong shaped head. It’s more like an oval. She reminds me more of…”

There was a pause.

“…of… well…”
“It’s a porn star, isn’t it?”

It took my brain a while to parse that. I’d just done the first active thing in the whole week since becoming laid up with a massive cold on Monday. I wasn’t really fully awake yet.

“Yes?” I decided upon.

In all fairness, when I recognise people it’s usually because I’m recalling someone from porn. Some of them, like Krista Allen and Lisa Boyle, are both incredibly hot and totally unique in looks, and although I’ve met a fair few people who remind me of Amber Newman, this one escaped me. Who, exactly, did this Lucie remind me of?

Softcore actress Erika Jordan looking creepy.
ARGH! SHE’S COMING TO GET ME!

Erika Jordan leapt out of my head the instant I sat down this afternoon, followed almost immediately by a crunchy reel in my head of basically everything I’ve ever seen her in, although I’d temporarily forgotten, it seems, that this is also her. That’s certainly somebody I’ve had a fair number of orgasms too.

Poor Lucie. She has no idea what she’s managed to awaken within me, although realistically, I’m not entirely sure she noticed me much, on account of the fact that my parents wouldn’t leave her alone. And I’m sure that she isn’t that similar to Erika. I mean, I thought of Chelsea Clinton at first.

Until my mother said, “what is she doing?”

And now I’m never going to not be able to see it. Cheers, mum.