It’s not often done particularly well, but when it is, there’s a lot to be said for the erotic thriller genre. It certainly filled up Channel 5’s Friday evening slot, at the very least… and it kept a fair few studios afloat. I’d struggle to think of anyone who would watch one of these for the thriller elements, but when you think about the stars – ladies like Lisa Boyle, Shannon Whirry, Kim Dawson and Shannon Tweed – it’s difficult not to love the attempts to shoehorn in a plot.
Having said that, I haven’t seen Allyson Is Watching since the noughties, so let’s refresh my memory. Allyson (Hammon) goes to LA to take acting classes; okay, I remember that bit. I also sort of remember Horan’s character, arrogant drama teacher John Eric Constantine, and Caroline “every episode of Passion Cove” Ambrose as beautiful sex worker Bridget.
I fail, however, to remember much else, so evidently the voyeurism, masturbation, coercive control, rape, missing person and murder subplots either completely passed me by – or they have faded from memory. More likely, however, I probably just got an erection and then went to do something else. I did that a lot.
Appearance: Allyson Is Watching (1997)
Characters: Allyson Roper & John Eric Constantine
This scene takes place between innocent Allyson and the aforementioned Constantine, as opposed to her drippy boyfriend Peter or any of the other creepy men in this thing. It starts with James Horan doing his best low, gravelly Barry White impression to deliver lines like
I want you very much.
That’s all you need to know.
And I think…
I think…
before they kiss. Because of course they kiss. It’s probably just Allyson going mad with desire after all this scintillating dialogue. To Constantine’s credit, and in a hat tip to the advocates of consent everywhere, he does break the kiss to check if this is okay. Allyson asserting that it is “very much okay” does two things: clearly state her feelings, and give the keyboard player a cue because they start the music at this point.
I’m in a band in which most musicians start playing on a “best guess” principle. This is pinpoint accuracy with a speed which is honestly a little scary.
Anyway, the keyboard player does a few things which sounds like they are practising their scales while they have a go at another kiss before Constantine disrobes at something approaching the speed of sound, Allyson starts kissing down his semi-hairy, semi-barren chest, and a drummer appears out of nowhere, so by the time Allyson is in her underwear, we are accompanied by something existing in the territory between late-night Ceefax music and the opening theme to any syndicated TV programme set on a beach.
Decisions were made.
There follows a montage of Allyson and Constantine just sort of touching each other. I mean, I like touch but – in all honesty – they look a little confused, like they’re not sure which bits to touch. There is, of course, a perfectly nice sofa on which to have sex, but it takes a minute and a half for anyone to sit on it (Constantine; Allyson then kind of semi-mounts him and then her bra comes off). Considering how quickly this escalated, it’s taking them a while, innit?
We then get a shot of Jennifer “Star Trek: Yoyager” Hammon’s boobs, which are pleasantly normal-sized as opposed to the enhanced spheres of enlightenment we got on other female stars of the time. It’s only a brief shot, though, because Constantine does a sort of kamikaze dive into them – seriously, it’s completely reckless, he’ll bruise her sternum. He starts licking, anyway.
I’m not quite sure who did the interior design, but there’s a fridge in the corner of the room, which may be handy for getting the snacks afterwards.
Where was I? Oh yes. At 02:12 there’s an attempt at a soft porn blowjob, with the necessary application of too much hair and some very odd looks on Constantine’ face – I guess he’s meant to be enjoying it, but who can tell? Allyson takes this moment to do a series of really creepy grins. At 02:50 she finally gets around to taking her pants off, then he does, and then they start fuckin’.
The sex is just about what you think it’s going to be – it couldn’t be anything else. We get continuous mixes of Allyson riding Constantine, with a sort of “let’s do whatever” with the camera approach (close-ups, pans, roundabout shots, shots designed to enhance Jennifer Hammon’s bum, that sort of thing). It doesn’t really deviate from this formula; apart from Allyson getting faster and something that might be an orgasm…
…might be, it’s difficult to tell; it’s an ending, in any case…
…there isn’t really any variation. There wouldn’t be time to do so, anyway, with fifty-nine seconds of sex (that’s my new band name); I’m just finding it a bit of a stretch to believe either of them are reaching ecstasy through a minute of mediocre bouncing. Channel some of that urgency from the beginning of the scene and use that, maybe? It would work better!
What I haven’t mentioned is that the whole thing is overlaid by the (very) sporadic sex noises (which are very quiet in the audio mix), occasional giggling from Allyson (or Jennifer, possibly!), and someone going increasingly ham on the keyboard. It’s so insistent in the last twenty seconds that I’m wondering if the keyboardist got bored and started trying to fill space!
Allyson ends the whole thing with a laugh. Good to see you’re taking the whole thing in good humour, Allyson.
And that’s the scene.
As I said in the introduction, and I say this in the full knowledge that very few people will have read down this far, it has been decades since the first and only time I saw Allyson Is Watching, and this is the first time I’ve revisited it since. I was bored by this scene, and while that isn’t really the movie’s fault – the direction and camera work is fine, the music is hilarious, both Hammon and Horan are trying their best, and there’s even been some effort put into the décor! – it is, essentially, a had-to-be-there one.
What do I mean by that? Well, in some cases, there are sex scenes that happen as a necessity to advance the plot (and I’m all for that; there’s a limit to the number of times characters have sex simple because they can!), and this is one of them. I know it’s about Allyson and Constantine working out their sexual tension or whatever, but it’s very much by-the-numbers for a sex scene, the pacing is odd, I found my mind wandering…
…and this didn’t arouse me one iota!
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