Now, unlike some members of the glee club who come and go for months at a time with no explanation, you two losers are always in that choir room. Even if, for an entire week, the only thing you have to do is say something inconsequential, like “Kitty’s right,” or “Blaine, are you serious?”
Sue Sylvester
Appearance: Co-Ed Confidential, Series 2: “The Hunt is On” (2008)
Characters: Minx & James
Which brings me to the question of Minx – although, as a guest star, she actually has an in-universe explanation as to her months-long absences. This isn’t actually Glee, so it doesn’t need to think up plotlines to explain things away – nor can you suddenly sing and dance your way out of any given social situation – but, here, it does so.
Minx (Kaylani Lei) is an internationally famous rock star. That’s the plot. She isn’t, and never has been, a student at the university, so why she turns up at least once a series is never quite explained. Her job is to sing (even though this isn’t Glee) and fuck James (Kevin Patrick); a lot of people in Co-Ed Confidential end up fucking James, so that’s not particularly unforeseen.
Minx and James end up in flagrante delicto five times over the span of three series. Here’s the very first time.
The Hunt is On is that necessary stock episode of every American teen show (and The Appentice): the scavenger hunt episode. The prize for winning the scavenger hunt is, of course, tickets to Minx’s upcoming gig in the set which doubles as the union bar strip club James’ sister’s bar local dive handy music venue, and since everyone in the entire world knows who Minx is*, this is the big ticket item.
James, of course gets to go, because he has a big penis.
The sex takes place in a fancy hotel, which James – as the scallywag he is – has gained access to by dressing up as a bellhop. Minx is also wearing clothes, but twenty seconds into this scene she isn’t, so I’m assuming they are slightly irrelevant. James is certainly enjoying this, as Minx is engaging in casual smiley frottage and he’s definitely touching various bits of her. We can’t see his face, because she is in the way, but I’m sure we can imagine.
In fact, a lot happens in fairly quick succession. Minx rubs herself against Bellhop James before he starts kissing her boobs (and very nice boobs they are, too) and then giving her softcore oral sex (you know the type). There’s no real transition between these bits – they are all quick instant cuts – but that adds to the slightly rushed urgency of the scene. (That, or they had to film this in a hurry like the shop scene in The Room.)
Minx promises to give Bellhop James “one hell of a tip”, and this is aptly demonstrated by having her suddenly riding him. On the bed. With her high heels still on. There are few things that turn me on more than not taking one’s shoes off for sex, although quite how she got all her clothes off…
Sex in Co-Ed Confidential tends toward being quite active – more energetic pumps than the standard bump and grind – and including a lot of moans and yells. Minx even gives us a couple of “oh yeah!”s during this, and speeds up appropriately. What this is, of course, is Minx and Suddenly Naked James giving each other what they want, and also giving the audience what we want – some hot, frisky sex in a luxury hotel, and all in under two minutes. Now that’s what I call service!
And then, of course, we get Minx saying
You fuck like a rock star
and James replying
And you know what else? I rock like a fuck star
which makes absolutely no sense, but at least Minx seems to appreciate it, as she then has some more sex with James, on the chaise longue this time, in the sitting position. More hip-thrusts and grunts turning into actual honest-to-God screams at points, and it all comes to a definite conclusion with both participants twisting themselves into impossible shapes and…
…well, it’s a conclusion, what else do I need to say?
There’s some “hilarious” banter after this, with James finishing with “Musical!” and Minx saying something about him being one hell of an opening act, but by this point I’d come (at the same time as James) and was cleaning myself up, so I wasn’t really listening. On viewing the scene again, I’m pleased to say I wasn’t making things up. They do actually say that.
After that sort of sex I’d prefer a drink of water and maybe a snack, but you do you, I guess.
The genius of this scene, however, is the fact that the entire thing is intercut with shots of Minx gyrating in one of her music videos, and overlaid with one of her songs (actually sung by Kaylani Lei herself). I do like that sort of thing, even if the song is a bit meh. Sing the actual pop punk song which is the theme tune to Co-Ed Confidential and I’d be into it.
I mean, I’m into it anyway because Minx is smoking hot, but yeah.
The upshot of this is that the entire scene does end with some scattered applause. I know that’s meant to be part of her video, but I’d like to imagine it’s the crew showing their appreciation for a job well done.
Hey, I can dream, can’t I?
*Except for Emma, aka Really Smart Tart, who doesn’t even know who Beyoncé is and does not want to know. Zounds, I miss her.
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