Love, sex and interminable pop-culture references

Tag: tmi tuesday (Page 1 of 2)

TMI Tuesday: ‘Tis The Season

You look at yourself, you’re an elf, and the shelf is just full of disappointing memories
Trends come and go, and your friends wanna know why you are just happy
Making crappy little gizmos
Every kid knows they’ll just throw this stuff away…

Stylised text reading "'Tis the Season"
Fa la la la la, fellatio!

I am in no way ready for Christmas. I’ve bought one present for one person, even though I calculated today that I should be having eight more. I’m not even sure what’s happening, with who, or when. Today’s TMI Tuesday is absolutely one hundred per cent mocking me for my lack of preparation.

Christmas has always been a difficult time for me, for a multitude of reasons. I almost always end up crying at Christmas – I’ve even got a song about it – hopefully this year will be better. But then again, I say that every year, and…

1. Would you rather have a cold December holiday season or a warm holiday season?

I discovered the answer to this today.

I don’t deal well with “cold”. Every year I suddenly seem to remember this around this point, but this year it seems to be even worse. It’s one of the chilliest Decembers we’ve had in a long time, my central heating only goes on for a couple of hours and only really appears to work effectively in the bathroom, and Peter the Heater – so my wife tells me – no longer works.

All of this adds up to a very cold ILB and he genuinely can’t take it. Even as I sit here typing, wearing three layers and in a room with closed windows and curtains drawn, I still feel like icicles are forming in my blood vessels.

I don’t like being too hot either, but at least you can combat that. Take off as many clothes as you want and eat some ice cream. I could deal with “warm”. Cold is genuinely beginning to hurt.

2. Would you rather help Father Christmas deliver presents or help Father Christmas in his workshop?

To really understand this question you have to have seen the film Arthur Christmas. It’s a good movie for many reasons, the main one being that it’s perhaps the only Christmas film with a viable explanation for how he does it all in one single night. I don’t have the physical strength to help out, but I’d very much like to stand on the deck of the ship and watch!

Hands aren’t my thing (my year 8 DT teacher told me so), so I’m fairly sure many, if not most, of the toys I made would be defective. While I do have fond memories of Raggy Dolls, I’m not entirely sure making my own version would be what I’m going for. It might be interesting, though!

3. Would you rather wear nice clothes all Christmas day or wear pyjamas?

My parents once bought me, quite unexpectedly, a Mario onesie. It was snuggly and warm, and I wore it on Christmas night and for most of the following morning. I even took it to 47’s house, in lieu of pyjamas, when I was staying there once.

Of course I’d prefer to wear something comfortable; that’s my preference. I also have no style or fashion sense, so putting on a Mario onesie is probably the closest you’ll get. However, there appears to be a trend within my family of buying me some variety of blue or grey jumper every year, so I have no excuse for not wearing something nice for Christmas…

All I got for Christmas was this Poundland Jumper, on a jumper.
I mean, look at it, just look!

Last week was “Christmas Jumper Day” at work and, in desperation, I went to Poundland and bought a jumper there. I’m not entirely sure what it’s made out of, but I might be a massive troll and wear that all day.

4. Would you rather eat fruit cake for two days straight or eat candy canes for two days straight?

I don’t like fruit cake, so I’ll go for candy canes.

My second girlfriend was surprised when I told her I don’t like fruit cake, and absolutely aghast to find out that I don’t like custard either. I once made her, on her request, a bowl of custard (and nothing else) to eat. She had a very “you’re going t eat it and you’re going to like it” attitude towards her family’s fruit cake recipe, but she never got around to making it and therefore I never had to eat it.

My family has a tradition of stirring the mixture for Christmas cake while making a wish. My uncle then brings the cake out on the day and lights it on fire.

No, I don’t understand either.

5. Right now would you rather eat gingerbread cookies or drink hot chocolate?

I’m cold, so I’ll go for hot chocolate. Hot chocolate reminds me of a couple of sex blogging friends, including Rose (for whom I once made some) and Bunny. Just to tie this post to the rest of the blog, y’know, since there hasn’t been a lot of sex in this.

Rose sat on my sister’s bed, drinking her hot chocolate, having just had a shower and wearing very little on her famously long legs…

Ahem. Anyway.

I recently bought some special hot chocolate which is allegedly salted caramel flavour. It doesn’t taste of salted caramel or hot chocolate, but it is a warm, milky drink, so I’ve found myself quaffing it in large quantities. It’s not quite as good as the hot chocolate my Dad used to make me every morning at breakfast, but…!

TMI Tuesday: All About Me

You know Madonna ain’t got nothin’ on me
Beyonce ain’t got nothin’ on me
Christina ain’t got nothin’ on me
Everybody knows that it’s all about me

I haven’t had the time to do this meme recently, so it’s worth making the time to revisit it when I can. That may as well be now.

Today’s TMI Tuesday doesn’t appear to have much of a theme, aside from the questions, which are all about the participant (aren’t they always?). I suppose, in some way, that makes the questions more open. On the other hand, there needs to be a fair amount of justification insofar as your answers are concerned. But maybe that’s the point of the meme?

I just took a sip of Mountain Dew for the first time ever. It tastes of absolutely nothing. This isn’t relevant to the meme; I just thought you ought to know. Mineral water has more taste.

1. Defend your splurge. Tell us why you bought that thing — we won’t judge.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of money on soft porn.

Like a lot of sex-positive folk, I always try, if I can, to pay for my porn. Scenes I review for Soft Porn Sunday are almost all from films I legitimately own, and/or from individual sex scenes I’ve downloaded, rather than the entire flick. I have quite the memory for this stuff, hence the collection I have amassed.

Most of this I paid for. I even signed up for a couple of sites and bought credits for downloading scenes. I’ve got DVDs, VCDs and even VHSs on hand in my big red box.

One of the most ostentatious porn purchases I’ve made was the entire Emmanuelle Through Time series, direct from the director himself. Most of this is now behind the DVD rack because my wife got really angry and threw something onto it, knocking the DVDs backwards and into the void. £150+ of hard-to-find porn and I can’t now watch any of it!

2. What is one thing you always take from a hotel room?


If you’ve used any of them, it’s unhygienic to leave them behind. I also appear to have a constant shortage of things to use in the shower, even if I do buy the stuff. It just… vanishes, and even if the little bottles you get in hotels are very little, they’re good for a couple of showers, saving me having to scrabble around for shower gel and shampoo I may not actually own.

Homer Simpson stealing a table from the free hotel!
“You’re stealing a table?”

That’s pretty much the only thing I take (although once I took a pen), but I know others who take a lot more. I once stayed in a hotel in Manchester with my first girlfriend, who took everything she could find, including a hotel dressing-gown! As Homer says, they expect you to take a few things!

3. What is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long?

I don’t really have a pantry (and I can only think of one person who ever has), but I do have kitchen cupboards, and the answer to this is simple: non-perishables that I am never, ever going to use.

I also can’t explain why they manage to follow me to every new location. Unopened black beans, dry rice, quinoa and freekee wheat. I know they’re all useful, but I’ve just never wanted to use them in any capacity… I use plenty of pasta, lentils and risotto rice, so why isn’t there more of that?

On a side note, there’s also quite a lot of peanut butter around. I keep thinking that I don’t have any and buying more, only to discover another jar in some cupboard somewhere. I really ought to look before I do this…

4. Which game show sums up your life?

Hmmm. The options for this one are:

a. Jeopardy!
b. Family Feud
c. The Price is Right
d. The Dating Game

I’m at a loss to what most of these are, although Brucie hosted The Price Is Right over here, I never watched a single episode. In all honesty, I’m only really vaguely aware of the concepts of all the others.

I’m very fond of Knightmare – it’s my favourite programme of all time – but I’m not entirely sure a fantasy game set in a completely unreal dungeon sums up my life (although probably my choice of fiction genre!).

Maybe it could be University Challenge? I’ve been to university and I’m constantly finding life a challenge.

5. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

Oh, I have an answer for this one!


TMI Tuesday: Pain and Pleasure

You’ll be a dentist
You have a talent for causin’ things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane

Time for another meme to blow the cobwebs away. I have a few things to write this week, but let’s start with this.

This is TMI Tuesday again and it’s about pain and pleasure during sex… which isn’t something I have a lot of experience with. It’s also a complete retread of a previous set of questions by former (but now inactive) sex blogger Bi Likes Sci-Fi (who I remember!).

I may have to dig into my memory for this. It’s a challenge, at least.

1. Which do you enjoy more in bed: pain or pleasure?

This is a complete no-brainer: pleasure.

I’m hypersensitive, and although I feel a lot of things, I’m particularly sensitive to pain. I can’t stand it. This may sound odd from a former self-harmer who occasionally walks into walls and has spectacular falling episodes, but I really can’t handle pain.

You also may have to take into account that most of my sexual upbringing involved softcore porn, which always highlights pleasure above anything else. That was, in my mind, what sex is.

2. Do you like being tickled during sex, and where?

No, I can’t stand it!

I am incredibly ticklish. Mostly around my midriff, under my arms, on my neck and the soles of my feet. I can tickle myself, too, which is something you’re not meant to be able to do. Being tickled completely disables me; I flail and crease, but I can’t do anything else.

47 and H will attest that I make noises when tickled – something between a laugh and a scream. I will admit that it is amusing, but probably more so for them than it is for me!

3. Have you ever used feathers during sex?


My girlfriend, now my wife, once bought a feather to stroke me with (the term they used was “sensation play”), although not a real one – rather a vegan alternative they got from a sex shop.

I quite enjoyed being stroked, but as a more relaxing sensation than a sexy one; eventually, however, it strayed into Tickle Territory, and I had to call stop with a fair amount of urgency!

4. Do you like to be blindfolded during sex?


Not me, anyway. I’m not sure I could handle being in the dark so much – I’m afraid of the dark, and I’m too curious. I’d want to solve the mystery.

I have blindfolded people, though. I once went through a whole session – fingers, tongue, cock, orgasms – with my ex as she was both tied to the headboard and blindfold (with two bits of different cosplay outfits: check me out, Mr Resourceful), and she was really enjoying not knowing what was coming next!

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

5. Have you ever used cold or heat as part of your sex play? What provided the cold or heat?

With my ex again. We used some massage melt products by Durex (there’s a review here if you’re interested!) and they were Cold AF. But I’m not sure that really counts.

I’ve also once lit candles and dropped hot wax onto my wife, but again, that was for decoration purposes rather than heat play. And very colourful it was too.

I don’t recall having ever used, for example, ice, or hot stone, or anything. As I said before, I’m hypersensitive, and none of my eight sex partners have ever indicated that they have ever wanted to use such a thing.

Or, if they did, they never said!

6. Do you enjoy being spanked, giving spankings, or both?

Neither, although I’ve got a few stories about this.

My ex-lover Alicia used to spank me very hard while getting railed by me – both as a way of telling me to keep going and for want of something to do with her hands, I suppose. The pain was, of course, almost too much to take, but she was so enthusiastic and the sex was so good I didn’t really care. Catherine, my ex, did much the same sort of thing in a way that left a distinct handprint on my arse.

I even took a picture of that once.

The only real forays into planned, fully consensual spanking I’ve ever done have been with my wife, although as I’ve said, we haven’t had sex for a very long time and this has also fallen by the wayside a little. I don’t like dealing pain almost as much as I dislike receiving it, but they went though a phase wherein getting spanked was the main way to help them feel relaxed.

So I did so. Mostly with my hands, but I even used a few implements now and then. Mostly freebies from Eroticon, BUT STILL…!

7. Do you have a safeword? Have you ever used it?

“Stop!”. It’s very effective.

Bonus: Tell us in 3 to 4 sentences the most painful or pleasurable sexual experience you have had.

Late night in Bristol. Lots of pent-up energy. Girlfriend on ceiling. 😏

TMI Tuesday: Doin’ it on the line

On LiveJournal, LiveJournal
Makin’ fun of your friends behind their back
LiveJournal, LiveJournal
Chronicle your gerbil’s heart attack on LiveJournal

Oh boy, oh boy, oh (innocent lover)boy. This has been a really busy week so far and it’s only going to get busier. Bashing out a few blog posts was something on the back of my mind – say, one every day leading up to my wedding and one the day afterwards – but that may not be the most realisable thing. We shall see.

Anyway, here’s the meme I’m using in lieu of writing any real content. Today’s TMI Tuesday is almost entirely about online dating.

LiveJournal: Because you can't masturbate all the time.
My first
started here!

I’ll point out here that I haven’t actually done a lot of online dating. It is true that I have met all four girlfriends online, and even then it’s been via blogging rather than dating sites – LiveJournal, Blogger and WordPress are my dating sites. In a few days’ time I’m marrying someone I nominally met on Twitter.

But I have set up profiles on dating sites – mostly adult ones. I’ve also had a stab at some of the more conventional ones. Were I single now, I’d almost certainly be trying one of the hookup apps… but then, I’m not single, am I?

1. What is your go-to question to ask in online dating?

This is difficult, because I don’t like asking questions; I’m much better at answering them. That’s not just an excuse to talk about me, it’s just something I’m more comfortable doing!

I like popular culture, so sometimes I’ll ask a question in that direction. The French au pair I once met on a dating site wasn’t very forthcoming with conversation until I asked her if she had seen The King’s Speech. She hadn’t, but she liked Natalie Portman and wanted to see Black Swan.

In the end I went to see Black Swan on my own. She moved back to France shortly after this.

2. How old is the picture you use for your online dating profile?

Since I don’t have an active profile, I can’t really answer that fairly.

Here’s something fun. When I was about 25, I got a picture taken of me in which I looked perhaps my best ever. It wasn’t truly representative of what I actually look like, but I did look pretty good in it, so for a while I used it for everything – Facebook profile picture, MySpace avatar, LiveJournal icon, and, yes, dating site image.

On my about page is a digital recreation of that very picture – it’s the one I sent to Boots for reference. I even once tried to use that as my profile picture on (but they weren’t happy about that!).

So, yes, that was my dating site image.

3. What is your biggest dating pet peeve?

Ghosting. I can’t stand it.

I’ve been ghosted many, many times – by people I’m talking to online, people who I’ve arranged to meet and haven’t turned up, and of course I’ve been a jobseeker, so I’m used to potential leads just vanishing into the ether.

It probably isn’t too difficult to say something like, “I’m sorry, but I’ve found someone / I’m not interested / I’m too busy / You are about as attractive as a buffalo’s bum,” or maybe that is difficult (I’ve never turned someone down so I wouldn’t know!), but it’s much politer than to just leave someone hanging.

I tend to invest a lot in romance, and I put a lot of effort into this sort of thing, so to be casually cast aside without being told I was cast aside did a massive number on my self-confidence.

At one point in my life I was responsible for hiring. I wrote back to every single applicant, even if they were applying on-spec when there weren’t any vacancies. I felt like I should be able to do for them what I wish had been done for me.

4. What are your goals with online dating?



On the few times I set up online dating profiles, I was really just looking for sex. Anything else would have been a bonus.

This was, once, relatively successful. The… whatever I had… with Alicia was the result of flirting on an adult dating site. We had great sex and shared good company with nice food. It was never going to be a long-term thing, but for what it was, this was a brief success story for me.

It also broke my years-long dry spell, so I was grateful to find that I still had the knack.

5. Have you ever slid into a stranger’s DMs? Did they respond?

“Slid” sounds wrong. I’m aware that “slid” is both the simple past and past participle of the verb “to slide”, but it sounds wrong. Mind you, so do “slad” and “slud”.

What was this question about again?

Oh, yes. I’ve never sent a DM to a stranger with some sort of ulterior motive, and never really to flirt, If I want to talk to someone I know on social media, I’ll follow them first, at least. If I’ve got a lot to say, e-mail is there for that purpose!

mIRC logo, complete with Pac-Man-lookin' smiley face thing
I didn’t use this to date. But to flirt, sure…

When I used to spent a lot of time on sexchat, I got a lot of unsolicited DMs (known as “PMs” or “queries” on IRC), mostly from angry, horny men who didn’t realise that I wasn’t a lady, since I had a fairly gender-neutral IRC handle and was both chatty and smart in the channels, which was usually a sign of someone not being a dude looking for cyber.

These I mainly ignored.

Bonus: Do you think a couple’s finances should be together or separate?

This question came up recently. I was aghast at the assumption that my fiancée and I had a joint account.

I’ve actually got three: my current account (which is always overdrawn), my savings account (empty), and a third account to pay rent and bills with (which is – as of today – also empty). My other half has two, although I’m not sure how much is in either of those.

We’re going to need money for our honeymoon. I’ll puzzle that one out later.

I genuinely don’t see the point of going through the rigmarole of setting up a shared bank account for two people earning different amounts of money at different times. Having separate accounts, where one of us bails the other out, has saved our lives at a few points.

Plus, I don’t think I’ll ever do it. My sister did it with her ex, and they broke up shortly afterwards. She lost a lot of money from that.

TMI Tuesday: Costello

Look at this sandwich! It’s made of cheese!
Cheese is the best kind of sandwich!
(We do not have toasting facilities.)

Stephen Colbert and Elvis Costello
Two people I don’t know much about.

I have lots to say, but very little time to say it. In the meantime, please make do with this here meme.

A bit of trivia before we start. I actually have the complete works of Elvis Costello. My parents bought me a box set for my birthday once (and, if it wasn’t the complete works, it was damn well near, even including B-sides and the like), despite me not really knowing who he was. A couple of weeks later the box set vanished, and I only found out where it had gone when Elvis Costello songs started appearing on my parents’ mix tapes.

Today’s TMI Tuesday is lifted entirely from questions asked to Costello by Stephen Colbert. I don’t know who Stephen Colbert is either.

1. What is the best sandwich?

Here’s another bit of ILB Trivia: cheese sandwiches are my favourite food.

I will diversify, of course. Cheese and tomato. Cheese and spring onion. Cheese and chives. Cheese and (vegan) ham (alternative). Cheese and egg. My very favourite treat in the world, surpassing even my beloved sherbet lemons, is an honest-to-God cheese toastie.

Harris + Hoole do a really good one, but the sandwich shop just around the corner from us will do basically the same thing at a fraction of the price,

And now I’m hungry. Obviously.

2. Scariest animal?

I like all animals, and I can’t honestly say that I’m scared of any of them.

When I was a very young child, I was scared of spiders, or at least I thought I was. I had a quasi-nightmare once in which I would see a crowd of spiders and shout “SPIDERS!” at them until they ran away. I was once asked why I was scared of them and said, truthfully, that I wasn’t; I was just scared that I might hurt them if I got too close.

I was also terrified by the animatronic dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum, even though I like animatronics, I like dinosaurs and I like the Natural History Museum. Again, I was very young at the time.

3. Ever asked someone for an autograph?

Yes. I will admit to being a bit of an autograph hound, or at least I was in my teens and early twenties. I’ve got the members of James several times, plus Mark Lamarr, Skreen from the Cuban Boys, Phillipa Forrester and CJ de Mooi.

My favourite experience of collecting an autograph was from Mel Smith. I was at a West End musical for my 18th birthday and he was in the audience. I asked him for his autograph and explained who I was and why I was there. He signed it with, “Happy 18th, from Mel Smith.”

I also once got one of the Jedwards at the premiere of Keith Lemon: The Film. As the signature was an illegible squiggle, I’ve still no idea which Jedward it was.

4. Favourite action movie?

Despite the fact that I’ll always tell you first that I prefer comedy, fantasy and sci-fi, I do have a lot of love for action as a genre.

Jason Statham vs. a shark. Yes, really.
Sharkboy, sans Lavagirl.

But there’s a lot of crossover there. Sci-fi films have a lot of action in them, usually. Are superhero films action, or are they fantasy or sci-fi themselves? What is Deadpool if not a comedy? Avengers: Endgame has a time travel plot, so is it more sci-fi than action? The live-action Cutie Honey adaptation is fun, but is it just that: fun?

For that matter, where do the Star Wars movies go? There’s plenty of action in them and I could watch all nine over and over again.

In fact, the only movie I can think of which is “just” action that I enjoy the most is the Jason-Statham-versus-shark flick The Meg! And even that’s funny!

5. Favourite rom-com?

My first instinct is to put Four Weddings and a Funeral, because my uncle is in it, but then again, my uncle’s been in a lot of stuff. Anyway, it’s not really my style.

I quite like When Harry Met Sally, Love, Simon and Warm Bodies. But I’m going to go for Muppets Treasure Island. Yes, it’s totally a rom-com. I’ll be taking no further questions.

6. Window or aisle?

These questions don’t give a lot of detail, do they? They may as well be asking whether I prefer the aesthetics of the word “window” or “aisle”.

Assuming that this isn’t the case and that I’m meant to be thinking about seats on public transport, my default answer is probably “window”. Whether I’m gazing dreamily out of a coach window, seeing the only oxbow lakes I’ve ever been aware of while speeding through countryside on a train, or even on a bus to work, I like to see the rest of the world from my little travel bubble.

Last week I took a plane (for the first time in years) to Germany and back. On the return trip I had a window seat. I intended to spend the flight looking down at Germany and France, then the Channel, until I touched down in Stansted. This worked well enough until clouds got in the way.

I’d forgotten about clouds.

7. Favourite scent?

I have a few of these, and some are the classics – fresh bread, newly-cut grass, brewing coffee, that sort of thing. I also like lemon, as I’m a citrus person, and wood smoke, as I’m a camping person! It’s very calming to me!

My favourite perfume is Flower by Kenzo, although that’s probably bias because the Seamstress used to wear it (she probably still does!). It’s a nice scent nonetheless.

But my very, very favourite scent is new books. I love it, and I especially love it when I’ve bought some to breathe in as well!

8. Least favourite scent?

Cigarette smoke. I genuinely can’t stand it.

The Seamstress (again!) once accepted a cigarette from a friend when offered one, a decision I found difficult to parse since she was, nominally, a non-smoker. Her rationale was that it was difficult to say no to a friend, which I also felt sounded weird – even if it’s a friend, what you’re saying no to is sticking a roll of burning leaves in your mouth, pouring tar into your lungs and dramatically increasing a risk of several interestingly-named deadly diseases.

She didn’t see it this way. It was only years later that I realised that, for a person who spent a lot of her time telling me to be more assertive, this was a moment of weak will from her, for the sake of something she probably didn’t enjoy anyway!

9. Most used app on your phone?

Twitter. I don’t really use my phone for anything else. I keep in contact with people, mostly, through WhatsApp, but Twitter is genuinely the app I’ll open first, even if purely by habit.

Unlike a lot of people, I don’t game on my phone. I’m a console gamer, mostly, and can’t really justify paying even a small amount for a momentary distraction when I could be playing Kirby and the Forgotten Land on my Switch, which is about two metres from the place I usually use my phone!

10. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life, what is it?

Wow, this is a long meme.

I genuinely can’t answer this question. I’d get sick of any one song, even one of my favourites, if I had to listen to it over and over again for however long I’ve got to live. I’d probably end up choosing one of my own, if I had to, as long as I didn’t inflict that on anyone else, as being in my presence they’ve probably suffered enough!

Bonus: Describe the rest of your life in five words.

“The rest of your life” already is five words, genius.

TMI Tuesday: Writing

Why do you write like you’re running out of time?
Write day and night like you’re out of time?
Every day you fight like you’re running out of time
Keep on fighting in the meantime…

Attractive woman somehow able to read books while wearing very dark sunglasses.
I like books, and I like log cabins, so I ought to be in this picture.

I am a lazy blogger, but one of the things I like to turn out is a good meme.

Some of the memes I find difficult to write as I have little to no interest in the subject(s), but I have been trying to do this meme every week, even if sometimes I find the questions hard to spin out answers for. This one should be easy, though, since it’s about writing. I’ve written stuff.

1. When you need to get serious, good writing done, where do you go?

I do practically all my writing at my desk, so I don’t really have a place.

What I do have to have when I’m writing is an atmosphere – preferably a silent one. I don’t write well when there’s noise, and as a lexical person I can’t write alongside songs. If I want to have anything on, it would have to be classical music, but I prefer to write in a silent, calm room.

It also helps if I have a drink and/or snack with me. Usually tea, of course.

2. Where do you look for inspiration to write?

You can’t wait for inspiration… you have to go after it with a club.

A lot of my writing is based on things that have happened to (or, more commonly, around me). I’ve got a good long-term memory, which manifests in posts about things that happened in sixth form or thereabouts – which you will probably have noticed if you’ve been following my blog for any amount of time. So, if I’m really stuck, I’ll plumb the depths of my memory.

It doesn’t always happen like that. Every now and again I’ll come across something related to sex, love, dating, etc. and I’ll make a mental note: sometimes the best content comes out of nowhere!

3. If you could add anything to your office what would it be?

I don’t really have an office. I write in my living room, because that’s where my desk is.

I could benefit from:
– a much tidier room
– a clearer desk
– a repaired light (the bulb has blown)
– a clear side table

But I think I need to attend to all these myself; it’s not really something I can add!

I also need a remote for my DVD player. There’s only so much you can do with play and stop.

4. Are you an app calendar/planner kind of person, or do you still prefer a physical planner?

Raised eyebrow here at the use of the word “still”.

I am very much the kind of person that prefers something physical, and I am pretty much wedded to getting a new academic year diary every August. It’s comforting to be able to handwrite something in, it’s an easy reference, it doesn’t rely on battery life, and – apart from anything else – I can use it to log my wanks.

I’ve had a number of ‘phones that have a planner function – I’m using Android at the moment, which has a few built in, and the BlackBerry had a really good one – but I’ve never used one for anything more than morning alarms and “Doctor Who is on” reminders…

5. When you jot down notes, do you use pen and paper, or put it into an electronic device (eg. tablet, smartphone, etc.)?

As above, I much prefer pen (or pencil) and paper, and in fact I have a pot of random pens and a pad of Post-It notes for that very purpose.

Every now and again (because thanks, brain) I get an idea somewhere that isn’t practical – on the Tube, at a party, in the middle of a conversation at work – and I’ll have to resort to using my ‘phone. Even then, it will be nothing more than a couple of keywords, and I’ll still e-mail it to myself, so I’ll have a backup reminder.

It’s also cute that you think I jot down notes. I just open the compose window and go, you know that.

Bonus: March 15 is National Shoe World Day, a holiday that illuminates the need for quality footwear for millions of people around the world who go without. What quality pair of shoes would you pick to gift to someone?

It’s very difficult to buy shoes for me, because I’m a staunch vegetarian and don’t do leather (or silk, so I have to check fabric shoes as well). I have one pair of breathable rubber black loafers for work, one pair of multi-layer fabric trainers for the gym, and one worn pair of my favourite shoes – Converse All-Stars – for everyday wear.

Blue high-top casual footwear
I originally bought these because they’re not leather… and I’ve never looked back.

While I’m tempted to go with Converse for that reason, I realise this isn’t too practical as they are susceptible to rain, wear out quickly, and are tied by shoelaces, and not everyone can tie shoelaces. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to do so as my disability catches up with me.

What I would gift, then, is something practical, hard-wearing, easy to put on (slip-on loafers or fastened with Velcro) and – of course – vegan. Since my local branch of Shoe Zone recently closed down, it’s hard to find that sort of thing any more!

TMI Tuesday: Savour

Say I love you, girl, but I’m out of time
Say I’m there for you, but I’m out of time
Say that I’ll care for you, but I’m out of time
Said, I’m too late to make you mine, out of time

Attractive curly-haired black lady eating a cupcake and looking like she is thoroughly enjoying it.
An appropriate picture since I’m the King of Cake.

Wow, okay, it has been a while since I did a blog post.

Time has not been on my side. I have spent two weeks caring for a fiancée with incredibly debilitating COVID-19 (worse than when I had it; I just slept most of mine off). The art project I’ve been doing has been pretty stop-start as a result of this, and although it started well, I genuinely don’t think I’m going to finish it before the deadline. I’m also still looking for a job and, every now and again, have a trial day somewhere that fails, or get given a start date somewhere that ghosts me.

I genuinely want to blog – it’s one of my favourite things to do, even here partway through year fifteen. However, with everything going on at the moment (even though it seems like I have a lot of free time, I genuinely don’t), blogging has had to fall on the back burner.

It’s fitting, then, that one of the few snatches of time I’ve got to knock out a post is on a Tuesday, when there’s a handy meme to get the fires burning. I don’t know if there’s a theme with this one (it appears to be “savour”, as evidenced by the image), but it genuinely allowed me to get my geek on.

1. What did you last savour and when?

Three Batman-themed OREOs. Just now.

OK, I will explain. There are now OREOs with Batman’s face on them, to tie in with the upcoming release of The Batman. They don’t actually taste any different from normal OREOs, nor do they cost more. But I am a gullible fool, and yesterday I was having a Batman marathon thanks to a box set I got for Christmas, so in the evening I saw a pack and bought it.

J'onn J'onzz sitting in a chair holding a glass of milk surrounded by OREO cookies.
J’onn and his one true love.

I’m still not going to get over the fact that they’ve never made Martian Manhunter OREOs. I mean, he’s the superhero who actually manages to savour them.

2. Athletic, mind-blowing sex or slow, sexy romantic sex, what do you want right now?

Can’t slow, romantic sex also be mind-blowing?

In any case, having not had sex for about six or seven years now, any type of sex would be good for me. I’ve put on a bit of weight and lost the use of my left arm since, though, so I’d be a little nervous about not being that good any more!

(Is my excuse, anyway. I’d probably just get her to orgasm via oral and then see what happens.)

3. You are being interviewed and asked to comment on sex work. What do you have to add to the discussion?

Nothing that hasn’t already been said, although I have plenty to say about sex work.

I was once stopped by a madam in Soho who offered me girls, and when I politely declined, boys. She also said that I didn’t actually have to have sex – she could offer massages with or without happy endings to savour – but I again politely said no, thank you, I was in a bit of a hurry anyway, but thanks for thinking of me.

I couldn’t fault her sales patter – offering viable alternatives according to the customer’s needs – but I think she was as surprised as I was that I stopped to talk to her!

4. Should sex work be decriminalised?

Yes, and it should have been already.

I’m astounded that it hasn’t been. From what I can tell, criminalisation is dangerous, the Nordic Model is overly regulated, and because there are so many different types of sex work (full-service isn’t the only type – do you count a porn star or an erotic masseuse as a sex worker?), it would be impossible to introduce a law to protect them all.

Decriminalisation is the only way, and it’s only really because of the social stigma that this hasn’t been given a higher agenda. I’m saying this now: if I ever become an MP, it’s the first thing I’m mentioning.

5. Fill in the blank. Don’t…

…throw fruit at the computer.
Don’t what?
Don’t throw fruit at the computer.
Don’t what?
Don’t throw fruit at the computer.

Who do they think I am? Some kind of fool?

(If you know what this is, I love you.)

Bonus: Are you bored with people who are successful and unhappy? Why?

No; people who are successful and unhappy are fascinating. It’s interesting to see exactly why people can be emotionally down when economically up, and it’s also a refreshing antithesis to the “greed is good” philosophy of the ’80s and the already-rich silver-spoon élitism of the Tories.

I’m more bored with those who are successful and happy, or even worse, successful and smug about it. Even if (and this is overall not the case) they have actually worked for it, the way they overtly savour their wealth is sickening.

Of course, a lot of the most interesting people I don’t know have no idea what they want to do with their life. There are a lot of cultural riches to be found within the average Joe, and so many more than you will find behind the vacuous smile of someone so often in the spotlight.

TMI Tuesday: Bondage & Dwarfs

Oh look! Birdies!

I opened the door
The place was crawling with dwarfs
I said, “what is this, some kind of orgy?”
But she just smiled at me as she picked up a dwarf and greased him up
Then she started wanking off Dopey…

For want of content your perusal, I’m once again doing this meme. Yes, I too was slightly disturbed by the title of this one. I have, incidentally, once been in a production of Snow White and Several Dwarfs (we had eight), but I’m fairly sure that’s not what this is about.

My fiancée is fairly short; let’s go with that.

1. What is one thing your significant other could do to you to rock your world?

Sexually, or generally? This is one of those open questions, so I’m not sure how to answer that.

If we’re talking sex, then the thing that affects me the most is having my nipple sucked while I wank myself off. I like having sex, of course, but since that isn’t happening, this is as close as we’re going to get. Not that this has happened, either.

On a more chaste, but no less intimate, note, they could let me spoon them in bed. We used to do this all the time, but it doesn’t happen any more.

2. You have been granted the super power you always wanted. How will you abuse that power? Why?

I’ve always wanted to be able to fly. Ever since I was very young, that’s been one of my desires – as a child, I was obsessed with the concept of freedom. Being able to take off from the ground and go anywhere was a way of escape.

I’d abuse this power by going places. I’ve always wanted to visit Japan and probably never will, so that’s the first place I’d go. I’d also be able to visit all the people I know abroad, like my hairy friend in the USA and my cousin in Australia. I’d also do a few good deeds, like Moe at the end of The Homer They Fall.

Of course, I’d save a packet on commuting too.

3. For sexy play, would you rather be tied up or tie someone else up? Why?

As regular readers will know, bondage really isn’t my thing, although I have been talked into it.

On the few times that I have indulged, I’ve always been the one doing the tying up. I can’t stand being constrained – it does odd things to my brain – and, anyway, I don’t like pain, and the tight knots experienced practitioners use always look painful.

4. What is your best physical and non physical asset?

My best physical asset is, unequivocally and without doubt, my eyes. They’re a lovely shade of medium blue and shine ‘just so’ in the light. They even look pretty when I cry, which is a feat all on its own. I’m not happy with the rest of my body… but I have good eyes.

My best non-physical asset is probably my honest, unwavering heart.

5. Referring to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, if they were naming new dwarfs beyond the seven, what would your name be and why?

Trivia time! Disney had a long list of dwarf names before deciding on seven; he rejected a lot of alternate adjectives before making his choice.

I think I’d probably be “Pretentious”. You don’t really need to do much except reading my blog to see why.

TMI Tuesday: Lord knows, it’d be the first time

Swirly colours with text "First Time for Everything" superimposed
*Doctor Who Theme*

It’s the second week of 2022 (possibly – time has very little meaning any more) and the first time I’m doing this meme. Hmmm, that isn’t as snappy a sentence as I thought at… wait for it…

…at first.

When you’ve finished rolling in the aisles and being carried out helpless with mirth, would you mind reading the rest of this post? Cheers.

1. First app you check in the morning?

This is Twitter. I don’t have any other apps on my phone – I use Facebook, but rarely, and primarily on my computer, and I don’t have any other accounts – ie. I don’t use Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok et al. (edit the preceding sentence according to the year). I routinely check Twitter, since it genuinely is my only link to the outside world.

I’ve got WhatsApp too, which I guess is an app of a sort, but I’ll check Twitter first.

2. First kiss location?

In her bedroom, on her bed, just after asking her to be my girlfriend. I’d never been kissed before, and I had no idea how to do it. It was messy, deep and surprising – I didn’t even imagine that there would be so much tongue – but so, so good.

She kissed me again afterwards, which was also a surprise!

3. First major purchase over £1,000?

I don’t think I’ve ever bought something that cost over £1,000 (not even rent – the rent here is £950 per month and the deposit was paid by my grandparents)… and, even if I wanted to, I would never be able to afford that!

My biggest purchases have been video game consoles. My Switch set me back a couple of hundred.

4. First song choice in a karaoke song book?

For someone who can’t shut up once he’s started singing, I’ve got very little experience with karaoke. I know all the lyrics to the greatest hits of James, so I’d go for those (as long as it isn’t Sit Down), and I’d sing anything by Smash Mouth by virtue of them being my second-favourite band. But, generally, I’d sing anything.

The first and only time I’ve ever tried karaoke, I sang Gangnam Style. No, I can’t read Korean, but I knew the words phonetically… to a point, at least.

5. First internet screen name?

Benvolio. We were studying Romeo & Juliet (and I was reading Doctor Faustus, in which he also appears), and it seemed an appropriate enough sobriquet.

6. First break-up reason?

Oh, well done on opening up that wound.

This is still unresolved, and won’t ever be. I think the most simple reason is “dumped me for someone else”, but I’m fairly certain there were multiple other reasons for what happened. She was reading The Ethical Slut before breaking up with me, and I’m pretty sure that was a contributing factor.

The fact remains that I was being cheated on (and I knew it was happening and didn’t say anything on the assumption that it would end soon), and as a result, I find it incredibly difficult to trust my partners, especially if they have a celebrity crush.

It’s a silly thought, but it stems from how my first relationship ended. One word from anyone else and they’d be out the door.

7. First concert and how old were you?

Green Day 2002. I was 17.

I’ve been to a lot of concerts (I almost saw Staind before Green Day, but Music Man also promised the ticket to his then-girlfriend), and prior to this I saw a lot of classical music at the Barbican. I am assuming that you mean rock concerts, though, and therefore The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party at the age of 12 probably doesn’t count.

It took me long enough to get to a concert. I had tickets for blink-182 the previous year, but then 9/11 happened and all the flights got cancelled. Then Tom broke his back. I eventually saw blink-182 in 2004… I was going to go with my girlfriend, but – well, see above…

8. First crush?

My first crush was a very quiet girl who sat in the most inaccessible corner or every classroom. I had a crush on her for a very long time, actually, and until the end of school, I still sneaked a few looks at her. We eventually became friends.

At the time, I gave all my crushes code names. Hers was The Zebra Project.

Bonus: What was the title of your very first blog post?

It was “I really don’t understand some people.” The first sentence was:

It’s so unfair, sometimes. I try my damn hardest not to get so upset about everything and yet some things just whistle by. 

2001 ilb

Most of my earliest blog posts were angsty teen rants from a boy who desperately wanted a girlfriend – more intimate and love-fuelled posts than I had in my paper diaries, but still on a public space and intended to be read. My early blog posts weren’t good reads, but looking back on them, they do provide something of an insight into the teenage male mind, and maybe that proved useful…

…to a point?

TMI Tuesday: Munie

I’m not even sure if the theme of this TMI Tuesday is money. It seems to attach itself well to the first few questions, but then peters out. Still, it lets me answer questions, and if there’s one thing I like to do, it’s answering questions.

Ask ILB is still an option, btw.

You went to dinner on a first date, and your date took care of the bill. But when you get home you get a text from your date that is a Venmo request for half the cost of dinner. Do you…

a. Pay the Venmo amount in order to up your chances of a second date?
b. Only pay for what you actually consumed?
c. Pay nothing because the date supposedly picked up the tab and did not discuss halfsies when you were face-to-face?
d. Call the date and yell, “WTF?!”?

Hmmm. There isn’t an option here that matches what I’d actually do. I’d never expect someone else to pay the bill on a first date anyway – going Dutch is always my preferred method, but given the choices here, option A is the closest thing to what I’d do.

I wouldn’t pay my half to increase my chances of a second date, though; I’d do so because it’s the right thing to do!

Does anyone owe you over twenty pounds? How many different people?

A few people, and I’m never expecting to get that back. Two come to mind – the housemate I had at uni, who needed £30 to go to Germany and never mentioned repayment once he returned, and the £100+ I was owed by the lady I went for a sex date with in Brighton and vanished halfway through the night. It transpired that she had never paid the hotel bill (as she said she had done) and I shelled out cash I couldn’t afford for one night of sleepless worry and no sex.

She ghosted me and I’ve never heard from her again.

Are you one to sneak food into cinemas?

No – I’d buy food from the kiosk or the Starbucks my local cinema contains. In fact, that’s what I do do, since I go the cinema a lot and… well, do this.

There’s a Pizza Hut next door to the cinema, which is a popular source of comestibles for the local youth. Rapscallions often go through to the cinema screens with boxes containing side orders from the Hut, or even full pizzas to eat with their film! They’re never challenged for this by the staff, so it’s my assumption that, were I to sneak food in, it wouldn’t be a problem.

What do you want to brag about?

I rarely brag. Let’s think.


I’m a very considerate lover.

This is something I’ve been told, rather than something I’ve pulled out of my arse. I will genuinely go out of my way to do something for someone I love (romantically, sexually or otherwise), even sometimes doing something I’m not comfortable with. I’ve been told (again) that it’s apparent I’m very focused on my partner’s pleasure, and won’t stop until she does, unless I’m told to stop, in which case… I stop!

What do you get in trouble for the most?

I have no filter. It takes a huge amount of effort to remember that not everyone is part of a liberal, sex-positive community and that sometimes I have to moderate my conversation to not drop in casual references to sex shops or soft porn actresses.

In my professional life, I can’t do this; it’s a point-black no-go area (as opposed to something in an office which might raise a few eyebrows at most). As a result, I’m slightly more free with my words outside. Most of my friends are relatively chill with my innuendo (which has increased since I started a sex blog); a few are exasperated but tolerant. I can’t think of anyone I still see who’s genuinely offended by my sex talk.

Most of my friends have children now, so I’m assuming that they’ve all had sex themselves at least once.

Bonus: What is in your attic?

I genuinely have no idea. I live in a rented flat. There is an attic, but there’s no stick to open the stairs or ladder to ascend to the loft with, so I haven’t a clue. Most of the overspill from my life is in my parents’ attic, and due to my disability I’m finding it very difficult to get up there any more. My sister may have to sort out my shit at some point, and some of it could be very valuable if she does!

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