Tag: tmi tuesday (Page 1 of 2)

You look at yourself, you’re an elf, and the shelf is just full of disappointing memories
Trends come and go, and your friends wanna know why you are just happy
Making crappy little gizmos
Every kid knows they’ll just throw this stuff away…

I am in no way ready for Christmas. I’ve bought one present for one person, even though I calculated today that I should be having eight more. I’m not even sure what’s happening, with who, or when. Today’s TMI Tuesday is absolutely one hundred per cent mocking me for my lack of preparation.

Christmas has always been a difficult time for me, for a multitude of reasons. I almost always end up crying at Christmas – I’ve even got a song about it – hopefully this year will be better. But then again, I say that every year, and…

1. Would you rather have a cold December holiday season or a warm holiday season?

I discovered the answer to this today.

I don’t deal well with “cold”. Every year I suddenly seem to remember this around this point, but this year it seems to be even worse. It’s one of the chilliest Decembers we’ve had in a long time, my central heating only goes on for a couple of hours and only really appears to work effectively in the bathroom, and Peter the Heater – so my wife tells me – no longer works.

All of this adds up to a very cold ILB and he genuinely can’t take it. Even as I sit here typing, wearing three layers and in a room with closed windows and curtains drawn, I still feel like icicles are forming in my blood vessels.

I don’t like being too hot either, but at least you can combat that. Take off as many clothes as you want and eat some ice cream. I could deal with “warm”. Cold is genuinely beginning to hurt.

2. Would you rather help Father Christmas deliver presents or help Father Christmas in his workshop?

To really understand this question you have to have seen the film Arthur Christmas. It’s a good movie for many reasons, the main one being that it’s perhaps the only Christmas film with a viable explanation for how he does it all in one single night. I don’t have the physical strength to help out, but I’d very much like to stand on the deck of the ship and watch!

Hands aren’t my thing (my year 8 DT teacher told me so), so I’m fairly sure many, if not most, of the toys I made would be defective. While I do have fond memories of Raggy Dolls, I’m not entirely sure making my own version would be what I’m going for. It might be interesting, though!

3. Would you rather wear nice clothes all Christmas day or wear pyjamas?

My parents once bought me, quite unexpectedly, a Mario onesie. It was snuggly and warm, and I wore it on Christmas night and for most of the following morning. I even took it to 47’s house, in lieu of pyjamas, when I was staying there once.

Of course I’d prefer to wear something comfortable; that’s my preference. I also have no style or fashion sense, so putting on a Mario onesie is probably the closest you’ll get. However, there appears to be a trend within my family of buying me some variety of blue or grey jumper every year, so I have no excuse for not wearing something nice for Christmas…

Last week was “Christmas Jumper Day” at work and, in desperation, I went to Poundland and bought a jumper there. I’m not entirely sure what it’s made out of, but I might be a massive troll and wear that all day.

4. Would you rather eat fruit cake for two days straight or eat candy canes for two days straight?

I don’t like fruit cake, so I’ll go for candy canes.

My second girlfriend was surprised when I told her I don’t like fruit cake, and absolutely aghast to find out that I don’t like custard either. I once made her, on her request, a bowl of custard (and nothing else) to eat. She had a very “you’re going t eat it and you’re going to like it” attitude towards her family’s fruit cake recipe, but she never got around to making it and therefore I never had to eat it.

My family has a tradition of stirring the mixture for Christmas cake while making a wish. My uncle then brings the cake out on the day and lights it on fire.

No, I don’t understand either.

5. Right now would you rather eat gingerbread cookies or drink hot chocolate?

I’m cold, so I’ll go for hot chocolate. Hot chocolate reminds me of a couple of sex blogging friends, including Rose (for whom I once made some) and Bunny. Just to tie this post to the rest of the blog, y’know, since there hasn’t been a lot of sex in this.

Rose sat on my sister’s bed, drinking her hot chocolate, having just had a shower and wearing very little on her famously long legs…

Ahem. Anyway.

I recently bought some special hot chocolate which is allegedly salted caramel flavour. It doesn’t taste of salted caramel or hot chocolate, but it is a warm, milky drink, so I’ve found myself quaffing it in large quantities. It’s not quite as good as the hot chocolate my Dad used to make me every morning at breakfast, but…!

You know Madonna ain’t got nothin’ on me
Beyonce ain’t got nothin’ on me
Christina ain’t got nothin’ on me
Everybody knows that it’s all about me

I haven’t had the time to do this meme recently, so it’s worth making the time to revisit it when I can. That may as well be now.

Today’s TMI Tuesday doesn’t appear to have much of a theme, aside from the questions, which are all about the participant (aren’t they always?). I suppose, in some way, that makes the questions more open. On the other hand, there needs to be a fair amount of justification insofar as your answers are concerned. But maybe that’s the point of the meme?

I just took a sip of Mountain Dew for the first time ever. It tastes of absolutely nothing. This isn’t relevant to the meme; I just thought you ought to know. Mineral water has more taste.

1. Defend your splurge. Tell us why you bought that thing — we won’t judge.

I’ve spent an inordinate amount of money on soft porn.

Like a lot of sex-positive folk, I always try, if I can, to pay for my porn. Scenes I review for Soft Porn Sunday are almost all from films I legitimately own, and/or from individual sex scenes I’ve downloaded, rather than the entire flick. I have quite the memory for this stuff, hence the collection I have amassed.

Most of this I paid for. I even signed up for a couple of sites and bought credits for downloading scenes. I’ve got DVDs, VCDs and even VHSs on hand in my big red box.

One of the most ostentatious porn purchases I’ve made was the entire Emmanuelle Through Time series, direct from the director himself. Most of this is now behind the DVD rack because my wife got really angry and threw something onto it, knocking the DVDs backwards and into the void. £150+ of hard-to-find porn and I can’t now watch any of it!

2. What is one thing you always take from a hotel room?

Toiletries.

If you’ve used any of them, it’s unhygienic to leave them behind. I also appear to have a constant shortage of things to use in the shower, even if I do buy the stuff. It just… vanishes, and even if the little bottles you get in hotels are very little, they’re good for a couple of showers, saving me having to scrabble around for shower gel and shampoo I may not actually own.

That’s pretty much the only thing I take (although once I took a pen), but I know others who take a lot more. I once stayed in a hotel in Manchester with my first girlfriend, who took everything she could find, including a hotel dressing-gown! As Homer says, they expect you to take a few things!

3. What is one thing in your pantry you know you keep for too long?

I don’t really have a pantry (and I can only think of one person who ever has), but I do have kitchen cupboards, and the answer to this is simple: non-perishables that I am never, ever going to use.

I also can’t explain why they manage to follow me to every new location. Unopened black beans, dry rice, quinoa and freekee wheat. I know they’re all useful, but I’ve just never wanted to use them in any capacity… I use plenty of pasta, lentils and risotto rice, so why isn’t there more of that?

On a side note, there’s also quite a lot of peanut butter around. I keep thinking that I don’t have any and buying more, only to discover another jar in some cupboard somewhere. I really ought to look before I do this…

4. Which game show sums up your life?

Hmmm. The options for this one are:

a. Jeopardy!
b. Family Feud
c. The Price is Right
d. The Dating Game

I’m at a loss to what most of these are, although Brucie hosted The Price Is Right over here, I never watched a single episode. In all honesty, I’m only really vaguely aware of the concepts of all the others.

I’m very fond of Knightmare – it’s my favourite programme of all time – but I’m not entirely sure a fantasy game set in a completely unreal dungeon sums up my life (although probably my choice of fiction genre!).

Maybe it could be University Challenge? I’ve been to university and I’m constantly finding life a challenge.

5. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you have done?

Oh, I have an answer for this one!

Yes!

I opened the door
The place was crawling with dwarfs
I said, “what is this, some kind of orgy?”
But she just smiled at me as she picked up a dwarf and greased him up
Then she started wanking off Dopey…

For want of content your perusal, I’m once again doing this meme. Yes, I too was slightly disturbed by the title of this one. I have, incidentally, once been in a production of Snow White and Several Dwarfs (we had eight), but I’m fairly sure that’s not what this is about.

My fiancée is fairly short; let’s go with that.

1. What is one thing your significant other could do to you to rock your world?

Sexually, or generally? This is one of those open questions, so I’m not sure how to answer that.

If we’re talking sex, then the thing that affects me the most is having my nipple sucked while I wank myself off. I like having sex, of course, but since that isn’t happening, this is as close as we’re going to get. Not that this has happened, either.

On a more chaste, but no less intimate, note, they could let me spoon them in bed. We used to do this all the time, but it doesn’t happen any more.

2. You have been granted the super power you always wanted. How will you abuse that power? Why?

I’ve always wanted to be able to fly. Ever since I was very young, that’s been one of my desires – as a child, I was obsessed with the concept of freedom. Being able to take off from the ground and go anywhere was a way of escape.

I’d abuse this power by going places. I’ve always wanted to visit Japan and probably never will, so that’s the first place I’d go. I’d also be able to visit all the people I know abroad, like my hairy friend in the USA and my cousin in Australia. I’d also do a few good deeds, like Moe at the end of The Homer They Fall.

Of course, I’d save a packet on commuting too.

3. For sexy play, would you rather be tied up or tie someone else up? Why?

As regular readers will know, bondage really isn’t my thing, although I have been talked into it.

On the few times that I have indulged, I’ve always been the one doing the tying up. I can’t stand being constrained – it does odd things to my brain – and, anyway, I don’t like pain, and the tight knots experienced practitioners use always look painful.

4. What is your best physical and non physical asset?

My best physical asset is, unequivocally and without doubt, my eyes. They’re a lovely shade of medium blue and shine ‘just so’ in the light. They even look pretty when I cry, which is a feat all on its own. I’m not happy with the rest of my body… but I have good eyes.

My best non-physical asset is probably my honest, unwavering heart.

5. Referring to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, if they were naming new dwarfs beyond the seven, what would your name be and why?

Trivia time! Disney had a long list of dwarf names before deciding on seven; he rejected a lot of alternate adjectives before making his choice.

I think I’d probably be “Pretentious”. You don’t really need to do much except reading my blog to see why.

It’s the second week of 2022 (possibly – time has very little meaning any more) and the first time I’m doing this meme. Hmmm, that isn’t as snappy a sentence as I thought at… wait for it…

…at first.

When you’ve finished rolling in the aisles and being carried out helpless with mirth, would you mind reading the rest of this post? Cheers.

1. First app you check in the morning?

This is Twitter. I don’t have any other apps on my phone – I use Facebook, but rarely, and primarily on my computer, and I don’t have any other accounts – ie. I don’t use Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok et al. (edit the preceding sentence according to the year). I routinely check Twitter, since it genuinely is my only link to the outside world.

I’ve got WhatsApp too, which I guess is an app of a sort, but I’ll check Twitter first.

2. First kiss location?

In her bedroom, on her bed, just after asking her to be my girlfriend. I’d never been kissed before, and I had no idea how to do it. It was messy, deep and surprising – I didn’t even imagine that there would be so much tongue – but so, so good.

She kissed me again afterwards, which was also a surprise!

3. First major purchase over £1,000?

I don’t think I’ve ever bought something that cost over £1,000 (not even rent – the rent here is £950 per month and the deposit was paid by my grandparents)… and, even if I wanted to, I would never be able to afford that!

My biggest purchases have been video game consoles. My Switch set me back a couple of hundred.

4. First song choice in a karaoke song book?

For someone who can’t shut up once he’s started singing, I’ve got very little experience with karaoke. I know all the lyrics to the greatest hits of James, so I’d go for those (as long as it isn’t Sit Down), and I’d sing anything by Smash Mouth by virtue of them being my second-favourite band. But, generally, I’d sing anything.

The first and only time I’ve ever tried karaoke, I sang Gangnam Style. No, I can’t read Korean, but I knew the words phonetically… to a point, at least.

5. First internet screen name?

Benvolio. We were studying Romeo & Juliet (and I was reading Doctor Faustus, in which he also appears), and it seemed an appropriate enough sobriquet.

6. First break-up reason?

Oh, well done on opening up that wound.

This is still unresolved, and won’t ever be. I think the most simple reason is “dumped me for someone else”, but I’m fairly certain there were multiple other reasons for what happened. She was reading The Ethical Slut before breaking up with me, and I’m pretty sure that was a contributing factor.

The fact remains that I was being cheated on (and I knew it was happening and didn’t say anything on the assumption that it would end soon), and as a result, I find it incredibly difficult to trust my partners, especially if they have a celebrity crush.

It’s a silly thought, but it stems from how my first relationship ended. One word from anyone else and they’d be out the door.

7. First concert and how old were you?

Green Day 2002. I was 17.

I’ve been to a lot of concerts (I almost saw Staind before Green Day, but Music Man also promised the ticket to his then-girlfriend), and prior to this I saw a lot of classical music at the Barbican. I am assuming that you mean rock concerts, though, and therefore The Mad Hatter’s Tea Party at the age of 12 probably doesn’t count.

It took me long enough to get to a concert. I had tickets for blink-182 the previous year, but then 9/11 happened and all the flights got cancelled. Then Tom broke his back. I eventually saw blink-182 in 2004… I was going to go with my girlfriend, but – well, see above…

8. First crush?

My first crush was a very quiet girl who sat in the most inaccessible corner or every classroom. I had a crush on her for a very long time, actually, and until the end of school, I still sneaked a few looks at her. We eventually became friends.

At the time, I gave all my crushes code names. Hers was The Zebra Project.

Bonus: What was the title of your very first blog post?

It was “I really don’t understand some people.” The first sentence was:

It’s so unfair, sometimes. I try my damn hardest not to get so upset about everything and yet some things just whistle by. 

2001 ilb

Most of my earliest blog posts were angsty teen rants from a boy who desperately wanted a girlfriend – more intimate and love-fuelled posts than I had in my paper diaries, but still on a public space and intended to be read. My early blog posts weren’t good reads, but looking back on them, they do provide something of an insight into the teenage male mind, and maybe that proved useful…

…to a point?

I’m not even sure if the theme of this TMI Tuesday is money. It seems to attach itself well to the first few questions, but then peters out. Still, it lets me answer questions, and if there’s one thing I like to do, it’s answering questions.

Ask ILB is still an option, btw.

You went to dinner on a first date, and your date took care of the bill. But when you get home you get a text from your date that is a Venmo request for half the cost of dinner. Do you…

a. Pay the Venmo amount in order to up your chances of a second date?
b. Only pay for what you actually consumed?
c. Pay nothing because the date supposedly picked up the tab and did not discuss halfsies when you were face-to-face?
d. Call the date and yell, “WTF?!”?

Hmmm. There isn’t an option here that matches what I’d actually do. I’d never expect someone else to pay the bill on a first date anyway – going Dutch is always my preferred method, but given the choices here, option A is the closest thing to what I’d do.

I wouldn’t pay my half to increase my chances of a second date, though; I’d do so because it’s the right thing to do!

Does anyone owe you over twenty pounds? How many different people?

A few people, and I’m never expecting to get that back. Two come to mind – the housemate I had at uni, who needed £30 to go to Germany and never mentioned repayment once he returned, and the £100+ I was owed by the lady I went for a sex date with in Brighton and vanished halfway through the night. It transpired that she had never paid the hotel bill (as she said she had done) and I shelled out cash I couldn’t afford for one night of sleepless worry and no sex.

She ghosted me and I’ve never heard from her again.

Are you one to sneak food into cinemas?

No – I’d buy food from the kiosk or the Starbucks my local cinema contains. In fact, that’s what I do do, since I go the cinema a lot and… well, do this.

There’s a Pizza Hut next door to the cinema, which is a popular source of comestibles for the local youth. Rapscallions often go through to the cinema screens with boxes containing side orders from the Hut, or even full pizzas to eat with their film! They’re never challenged for this by the staff, so it’s my assumption that, were I to sneak food in, it wouldn’t be a problem.

What do you want to brag about?

I rarely brag. Let’s think.

[Thinks.]

I’m a very considerate lover.

This is something I’ve been told, rather than something I’ve pulled out of my arse. I will genuinely go out of my way to do something for someone I love (romantically, sexually or otherwise), even sometimes doing something I’m not comfortable with. I’ve been told (again) that it’s apparent I’m very focused on my partner’s pleasure, and won’t stop until she does, unless I’m told to stop, in which case… I stop!

What do you get in trouble for the most?

I have no filter. It takes a huge amount of effort to remember that not everyone is part of a liberal, sex-positive community and that sometimes I have to moderate my conversation to not drop in casual references to sex shops or soft porn actresses.

In my professional life, I can’t do this; it’s a point-black no-go area (as opposed to something in an office which might raise a few eyebrows at most). As a result, I’m slightly more free with my words outside. Most of my friends are relatively chill with my innuendo (which has increased since I started a sex blog); a few are exasperated but tolerant. I can’t think of anyone I still see who’s genuinely offended by my sex talk.

Most of my friends have children now, so I’m assuming that they’ve all had sex themselves at least once.

Bonus: What is in your attic?

I genuinely have no idea. I live in a rented flat. There is an attic, but there’s no stick to open the stairs or ladder to ascend to the loft with, so I haven’t a clue. Most of the overspill from my life is in my parents’ attic, and due to my disability I’m finding it very difficult to get up there any more. My sister may have to sort out my shit at some point, and some of it could be very valuable if she does!